A bit of 2012

I had great intentions of writing more over my Christmas holiday. Of course, I left my journal and my laptop back in Utah. The journal.. well that's hard to replace. I could have gotten on any computer to blog, but I didn't. I definitely did some reflecting at home, thinking over the many ups, downs, twists, and turns of 2012. I was absolutely happy for the last bells to chime its death, closing that chapter and turning to the unwritten pages of 2013. You know what makes me really happy about my prospects this year? It is guaranteed to be better than 2012!! After a year like 2012, there really is nowhere else to go but up. I started off last year with various ailments for the first three months. I'd lost weight due to stress. I wasn't happy in my relationships or in my job. I wasn't happy much at all, in fact. September was the beginning of turning the corner, but that process still took time. But as of the waning days of December, I'm healthy, have some jiggly bits back (which I hope to eradicate through exercise instead of stress), have a job, and am really really happy. I've had several people say that 2013 will be my year. 

I was driving home tonight from visiting with Chad/Michelle/kiddos/Jeff/their neighbors the Wards listening to some great music. (I've been having family withdrawals since coming back to Utah.) It reminded me of one of the cute girls in my 1st grade class last year: Katina. It was towards the end of the school year and my life was basically unraveling by the moment. She was a trendy girl, always up on the latest songs and cool pencils. I remember one day when we were outside at recess, she came up to me singing the chorus line of this song. I'm not sure if she was singing it to me, or just singing the song, but every time I hear this song, I think of her. 

                                  

Of course, once I think of Katina I am reminded of her best friend, Maddy. I feel a little bad about how the end of the year went with Maddy. She was a bit of a favorite... She really latched onto me as a teacher and I enjoyed her as my student. She was a handful quite often, but mostly because she was very bright and creative and friendly. Anyways, I felt bad when the year ended because she left school a week before classes ended. And I was at home canceling plans and making arrangements for my newly upturned life and crying on the last day she was at school. I never got to say goodbye to her. I just hope I remembered to write a note in her yearbook. She'd left it at school for the class to sign... of course, that last week of school I was in such a mire of my life that it's a miracle I managed to teach and maintain the classroom. I'm so thankful misery doesn't kill people. Anyways, when I think of Maddy, I instantly think of the gift she gave me at the end of the year. 

Maybe one reason I felt so close to Maddy is because she reminds me of myself when I was young, in some ways. Blonde girl, a little tomboyish at times, loves reading, loves horses, loves school. I'm not sure I was as spunky or mischievous (hey that was one of our spelling words!) as she was, but I think those similarities were part of our bond. And who doesn't love to feel loved by a child? I have maybe two regrets from 2012,  and one of them is that I wasn't able to love my students as much the second half of the year, through no fault of theirs. I sincerely wish I had been able to break through whatever happened that changed so profoundly once the new year kicked in. They were all beautiful, intelligent children. I'm really thankful I had the experience to teach them. For months I struggled with trying to understand why I was going through this challenging teaching experience (though I doubt now that it had anything to do with teaching), and I distinctly remember the day I got my answer. Circumstances played out for me to be a teacher last year so I could learn to love children more and prepare to be a better mother. 

I hope 2013 is the year I realize some of those dreams -- marriage to the RIGHT guy, finding fulfillment in a career -- but it's okay if none of those happen. When 2012 comes down to the end, it reveals me as happier than I have been in years. Perhaps a little more sensitive, a little more aware of others, a little more in tune with the Spirit, and definitely happier. I know 2013 still holds challenges, tears, trials, and hard days ahead, but it will be my year. It already is. I am back. I am happy. I am more the person I know I am meant to be. And I'm looking forward to the journey through this new chapter and new year. 

87 Days!!

87 days left till the wedding!!! Wow, it's crazy how fast and how slow the time is going. Things are working out great for Joan's new job venture. He is signing a contract this week to work with them for the next few months on a project basis, and it also has a commitment to bring him on full-time by December1. As a start-up business it's a little bit scary, but we both feel good about the prospects and it's the best time for us to be taking this kind of leap of faith. 


Things with my job have taken a turn as well.... and based on how awful last week was that means it's a positive turn! It was quite the work for my supervisor and me to change around the whole schedule, but we put math in the morning instead of right after lunch. Between the overall change of pace and having math when they're still fresh, our scores improved WILDLY this week! As in, we just had a few days to make the change last week, but our test this morning showed extremely improved scores. I was happy, my supervisor was happy, and my kids were proud of their success when I let them know how well we all did on the test. It felt great to leave school happy. 


In other news, I spent several hours yesterday reading (and finishing) Book 1 of the Hunger Games. It was good! I need to exchange it with my friend for the next book, because I'm really curious to see what happens next. I'm working on my wedding fitness plan... okay so I'm just working to create a plan right now. But you gotta start somewhere. And engagement pictures are this weekend, along with wedding dress shopping, finalizing planning, and tons of other wedding stuff. And the day off on Friday!! Woohoo! Soon I'll have more fun pics to share of my honey and me. 


:)

busy bee

well, you may have wondered why i fell off the bloggingplanet lately. to be honest, life is so crazy busy right now! school is super super stressful and has been taking my health on a downhill run for a while now. since january, really. it's not exactly a good thing when your skinny jeans don't fit snugly... especially fresh out of the dryer. aside from getting the life sucked out of me on a daily basis, my own personal life is thriving thriving!! which in turn keeps me busy and occupied constantly, thus i have little time to update my blog. there's only 100 other things to be doing right now. like sleep. and laundry. and lesson plans. and unpacking my room. yes, it's been months and i still have not completely arranged my living quarters!! one day i'll have time to put it together, probably just in time to move again when my contract is up. oh well, bridges for another day. if you are really interested in what's happening in my life, stay tuned. i'll try to keep ya posted as things happen. look at this year already! january is already over and february is chugging away quickly. school honestly can't be over soon enough for me. i hope i can sing/speak again normally after it ends. and i hope the stress stops taking such a big toll on my physically... sick for 3+ weeks and counting, dropping weight, sleep, etc. this administration has set me up for failure and i don't care for it much. nor do i have my stress-relief of dancing in place anymore. 


anyone in SLC know of a good studio for adults? i found a place that does pole dancing but that's just not my thing. i need dance that will give me a sanity check and at least a small workout. hm. maybe i should join a gym or something? what do you think? i really need to add something to my life (yes, yet another thing to keep me busy) that will help me de-stress from the nutso job i have taken. (lest ye be worried, i do love teaching and i do love my kids. it's the administration and their hurdles of expectations and the circumstances they've placed me in that make me call it nutso. it's disaster in a classroom and i think we're all just surviving this year - students and myself.) so yes, thoughts appreciated!

Happy like a river

In case I hadn't mentioned it, I am in love. YES! For reals this time. And it rocks my world. It's interesting though.... in my "younger" days I always thought I'd be super giddy and starstruck and all that. I mean, I did feel all those things in the past when I was in "love." So either I've grown up and am a little more realistic, or love just feels different when it's actually mutual and good and working well, etc. 


My love is like a river. It's constant, and fairly deep. Abiding. Yes, perhaps that's a good word for it. It gently colors my world a beautiful shade of rosy pink. Most of the time there's not crazy fireworks and explosions and grandiose moments, but they happen often enough that I'm not worried about anything missing. 


The only downside? Distance. And time. Because the distance is just enough to make it inconvenient to see each other every day, we talk a lot on the phone. And that time flies way too fast. And when it is over not only do I wish we had more time talking, I realize I need more time to do my little tasks too. So instead of switching my laundry and doing lesson plans I blog..... yeah. Teaching this new year may very well kill me. Too many students. Too many "extras" to worry about (science fair, spring sing, grades, re-enrollment,  P-T conferences, valentines, etc). Lots of pressure/high expectations. Depending on if my mom's scale and my sister-in-law's scales are fairly similar, I've shed 5 pounds in the past 3 weeks since coming back from the break to teach. (And those aren't the healthy, oh I worked so hard to lose that weight pounds. No, they're the stressed, stressed, stressed lost pounds.) 


So to sum it up, I need to change the laundry and go to bed like 30 minutes ago. Because the grind begins early, and I'm still fighting my 2 week illness, and I need to work hard tomorrow so I can play with my man later this week. And that concludes one of my more random posts. 

Cool Art

One day I will teach Humanities again, and this will be a cool thing to talk about! Interesting, isn't it, how so much in life is all about perspective?

Night In - Soliloquy

A man dies as often as he loses his friends.

Francis Bacon(1561-1626)

I've gotten to do plenty of thinking lately... thinking about choices I've made in life. How the outcomes work themselves into intriguing shapes and important lessons. For example: I'm dancing at the Mormon Tabernacle Christmas Concert this year. I randomly saw an audition posting in September and decided to give it a shot, not having a clue where I would really be come December. (I did figure that I'd still be in Utah.) It went great! I made it, got to add some rehearsals to my weeks, and started meeting people in the area. It's been a very rewarding experience so far, even if it makes for extremely long days now that I have a job. That was a good choice. Even more interesting to me, though, is the choice my mom made about 21 years ago. She put me in my first ballet class. Over two decades later, I've danced all over the world in all sorts of venues doing all types of dance. In a few weeks I will add to my resume the massively huge Conference Center, where I will end up dead front and center in front of everyone.
Wow. I'm glad I had Folk Dance and the Marriott Center performances to prep me for big audiences. And to teach me to perform to the top row in the way back, not the illustrious figures in the front rows. It's the ones in the back that really deserve your absolute best: it takes the most effort to get your energy to reach all the way to them. 

An interesting tangent to that thought and my staging (which was mostly a happenstance thing) is that the girls dancing around me are several years younger than me. As in, I've danced longer than they have been alive and breathing on this beautiful earth. Sure, they started dancing at age 3. But I was dancing before they even made it through the veil. Sometimes I truly relish those thoughts, acknowledging the dedication and work that has gone into my dancing. A lot of those choices have been mine. But I'm forever indebted to my mom for making the first brilliant decision that started my feet dancing. 

Well, I've definitely strayed from the original quote by Sir Francis Bacon. But I wanted to do a positive thought first. His quote points out the importance of friends in ones life. Having moved recently in a bigger way than the past 7 years of moving, I have become acutely aware of the dynamics of friendships. They truly do so much in making a place feel like a home. In making life feel full. In promoting mental and emotional stability. Looking back over my college years, there are thankfully few times that I can say I literally "lost" friends. There was one watershed event before my senior year that did a lot towards unearthing those who were my real friends and those who were acquaintances. That was a rough time. But other than that, I have been blessed to have many wonderful friendships grow and develop. A lot of them I left in Provo when I moved away. And it's just not the same in Salt Lake. Probably the biggest reason is because I'm not in school anymore, which significantly changes the social dynamics. I've wondered lately if I really made the right choice in leaving Provo. I think I did need a break, but sometimes I very much miss my dear friends there. 

I sometimes wonder if I made the best choice when I decided to be a 1st grade teacher. Well, not that I even decided! I merely accepted the offer that was almost thrust upon me. Is it going to be a fulfilling career? It's definitely not one where I'll make major social connections and potentially find a spouse. (Not that marriage should be a consideration in work, but I work, yet again, primarily with females. That's all I'm saying.) I often feel like I have to verbalize my significance, qualify the statement that I teach 1st grade, as if that makes me not good enough. Who gets a Masters in Humanities to teach 6 year olds?? I always felt like being a teacher was more of a calling than a career and I admired those who went into that profession. But I just don't see myself as being all that special now that it's me being the teacher. 

I sometimes wonder if it was even right to move out of my grandparents' basement! I truly enjoyed living with them. I talked to them more than I talk to my roommates now, probably. It felt so homey with them. The spirit was always present, and when that's in a home it makes it extremely comforting. Most places I've lived I've felt the spirit there, but it's different when you're with a married couple. Visiting married friends, family of course... it seems more tangible. Probably because the household is extremely united, not a temporary fixture of disparate parts. (I know, waxing loquacious here with big words.) As long as my room feels comfortable, I know I'm doing what I need to to have a spiritual tone. But it's so much nicer when it pervades the house. I feel like I should have done more to show my grandparents how much I appreciated living with them. I left while they were out of town and then I was very busy getting re-settled and with school.... 

Well, you can't live a life of regrets. That's not living at all. I'm not sure where these choices will lead me: leaving Provo, being an elementary school teacher, moving out with roommates again. Moving to south Salt Lake rather than downtown like I had envisioned. Changing wards right when I had started getting into my last one. Moving away from an area where some boys were interested in me. I'm not sure if it was me or the new location that deterred them so efficiently. Now I wonder again if I'll ever meet anyone that fits the basic bill, let alone could be considered "great." The older I get, the more I realize that the great guys figured out they should marry a few years ago. The ones that are left.... in fairness some great guys exist in the older ages. But they are a rare find. It's like panning for gold in a river full of pyrite. 

Well, I meant to post pictures of the furniture I built. But apparently I needed to type. I miss writing papers. I miss typing words and saying important things for people to care about. Granted, only my teachers really cared about those essays, but... it was something. It was intellectual. And I really enjoy typing. And writing. Expressing myself through the written word and being intelligent in the process. I was one of those students that generally enjoyed writing research papers. I don't think I'll ever want to stop learning more. 

I do imagine though, dear reader, that you are ready to stop reading. I'm sure this is quite lengthy by now, and it really is just my own personal musings. I suppose I'll stop there and get ready for my big long day of rehearsals tomorrow. It starts at 8:30am and probably won't end until 11-12 hours later. And at least 6-8 of those hours will be full-on dancing. I think I'll pull a bath-n-book tonight to help prepare. Sleep might be more useful, but it's less of a sensory experience; and while my body may be tired, my brain is quite awake still. 

And there you have it. You made it to the end!! 

Diversity Day

That sounds like the title to an episode of  The Office.... Today in class we read a Persian folk tale. Three brothers are rug weavers and the prince of Persia has to marry the princess of Bagdad (their spelling, not mine) and he runs a competition for rugs... long story short, the brothers argue over who makes the best contribution (dyeing, designing, or weaving) and should get the prize. They finally realize they must all work together, not be selfish. Alone they are breakable like sticks, but united they can do much more!! (Go Processing Center!) Okay, obscure personal references aside, today was eye-opening. One of my students excitedly raised her hand and proclaimed that she is Persian! What?? Never would have guessed, although having seen her mom I knew she had some foreign ancestry. Persian. Now, my class of 26 is pretty diverse, so I asked how many of them, besides my Persian who speaks Persian (Farsi?) and German, spoke different languages. 


All but about 3 raised their hands. 3/26. One knows Egyptian. Another knows Russian. Urdu. Tamil. Mandarin. German. Spanish (this was the answer I got from a few of my white students). I didn't even have time to poll everyone. The other cool thing? Well besides having an extremely diverse class, I can say hi to most of them in their own language. Except Egyptian. And Farsi. And maybe a few others I haven't uncovered yet. But..... I said most, not all. Bam. Win for my students for being awesome.