Luuuvvv, trwweewww lluuuuuuuuv

My Dave is incredible. So wise! So handsome! So strong! He is honestly better than my dream guy. I never dreamed big enough... didn't really think such a perfect-for-me man could exist! His strengths balance my imperfections. We become a pair of grinning idiots together because seeing him makes me smile, and him seeing me makes him smile, so I smile more so he smiles more so I.... well, you get the idea. He knows when to hold me and when to offer suggestions. He sacrifices one of his most precious resources - sleep - so we can Skype. There's so many dreams and futures, and wedding plans, to discuss that we often run past our 8pm/10pm curfew. 

Can I just mention how excited I am to be in the same time-zone, state, city, and HOUSE as my love in just 23 days!??

Can I also mention how it all still seems a bit surreal? Was it like that for anyone else?

In honor of this week's afternoon thunderstorms, here's a pic of Dave and I on our London/Scotland adventures. It's the first of many trips we will share together!

Bless Dave's sun-sensitive eyes :)

The mighty 400

This is my 400th post! I was going to put a cool picture on here to celebrate that, but most of them were of motorcycles and schmancy cars. And I'm a little bit off-put by motorcycles still, thanks to the X, and fancy cars remind me of someone I'm currently working to forget. So.... no pictures on this one. 

I did want to say a little something about how thankful I am for faith and hope. It still isn't easy, and hasn't been easy, to feel the familiar sting of a mis-timed or mis-matched relationship. It's because it's familiar that makes it hurt more. Re-opening the old wound, scratching at the scar... well, you get the image. I've been striving very much to move forward, and to do so with faith and hope. The gray days of February make it hard sometimes. I'll openly admit that I get a little SAD (seasonal affective disorder) during the winter. And when sad things happen during the cold, drab, dreary winter months, the challenges honestly do seem to be amplified. I was extremely thankful to see the sun pop out from behind the clouds today as I drove in to work. My mood immediately lifted. 

Faith. Hope. Faith that the Lord has a plan for my life. Faith that it is a better plan than mine. Hope that He's working things out for my good right now, not just making me wait for the sake of waiting. Hope that it's true - when the right one comes, it will be easy and natural and it won't have hiccups and it won't get derailed. Faith has to come first. Then hope. I think what it comes down to is I always have faith in these things. I know the Lord directs my paths. But hope: that is when I feel happy and positive about this knowledge. Faith seems to be the last shred of reason and sensibility that I cling to when I'm at my lowest and saddest. Hope seems to be the positivity and forward-looking that peeks through the darkness and motivates me to push through. 

One of the girls I visit teach recently got engaged. She's beautiful, smart, talented, down to earth... and she'll be 30 this year. I felt a little selfish as we visited yesterday, because it's my stewardship to aid her, not the other way around. However, as I asked about her engagement and the fun details of her life right now, I found myself asking and hearing from her the story of faith and trust that brought her to this young man. It wasn't anything spectacular or even very different. She wasn't trying to do one thing or another to secure a man, but was simply living her life and pursuing her dreams. One thing she said stood out to me above the rest.

He wasn't the kind of guy she expected or thought she'd end up with. But, he is everything that she needs. In ways that she didn't even realize at first. 

I know it's coming. Something's coming, something good, if I can wait..... I am continually buoyed up by my family. My friends. My deepening relationship with Heavenly Father. My interactions with the scriptures and talks. I'm thankful I have hard times to wear off some of my rough edges. 

Thoughts on Happiness + Getting personal

This post may get a bit personal. But I don't know that anyone reads my updates too much these days, so I'm just going with it. 


It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life's story will develop.

―Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Despite how difficult circumstances may look at the moment, those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out.

―Gordon B. Hinckley

 In life as in the dance, grace glides on blistered feet.. 

— Alice Abrams

I've been thinking a lot lately about happiness. What it takes to bring true, enduring happiness. For me, I'm beginning to realize that happiness and faith are closely linked... especially on the big things. Obviously, a donut always makes me happy. Dancing makes me happy. But intangibles that bring happiness - successful career, love, friendship, marriage, acceptance, etc. - really require faith that happiness is possible even in their absence. 

No one would ever confuse me for a bubbly, happy optimist. I am generally a happy person, but I've got enough of a serious side and realistic side that I'm just never going to be pegged that way. I'm a person that feels deeply. When I chose to care and invest myself in something, I don't do it halfway. I've known this about myself for some time. It's arguably as much of a weakness as it is a strength. 

So here arises the conundrum. How do you make a gentle transition into committing to someone without over committing? History says that I am no good at this. I've been realizing lately though, that it's a matter of focus and a question of what I'm committing to. I have to commit to things I know and trust. 

I know that I am a catch. 

I know that I've been promised that I will get married. And I know it's coming. That means that I'll have to meet a young man who wants to date and court me first. I know that will happen, too. 

I have an amazing job.

I have been blessed with numerous talents.

I have more friends than I think I do.

I have a fabulous family and extended family. 

And I trust that:

If I commit to the Lord, then I can commit 100% like I always do. And He can take care of the rest. 

And He will. 

Peaks and Valleys

I was reading yesterday about a man who complained that life always seemed to be on an up and down rollercoaster... never smoothing out into a nice balance. He happened to be complaining to a nurse, who observed that if you're in the hospital, the peaks and valleys on the heart monitor indicate you're alive! No one wants to get a flat line there. 

It's true. Life is a continual series of peaks and valleys, reminding us that we are alive, living, learning, and growing. Monday was a day like no other for peaks and valleys. There's a few things in limbo for me right now, which is a phase of living that I really don't care for and really don't thrive in. I dislike limbo. Nor am I particularly patient in limbo. Clearly, there's some learning and growing for me to go through right now. 

So limbo. I've been in limbo for a bit. A valley to be sure. About when I entered limbo, though, my new roommate moved in! She is awesome. All three of us are getting along well, and I think she's a great catalyst to bring us together. Fun, outgoing, supportive... definitely a peak. 

Work - another peak in my life. I love my job! It's rewarding and fulfilling, and I am good at what I do. I got some exciting news on Monday about upcoming events, which was definitely a big peak! I'll be sure to elaborate more on that when I get the full details :) . 

Peak: I went ice skating at the Olympic Oval last night and had a great time with the ward! I met some new people I hadn't talked to much in the past. Guys and girls. I also realized that I'm a decent (not great, but definitely not bad) skater, and that I really do have strong legs that don't tire easily. We won't mention the knees.....

Peak: I've been doing SO GOOD on my goals of scripture reading and prayer so far this year. Some days it's a little harder to feel the peace, comfort, and tranquility that these usually bring, but I know it's there somewhere. I feel like my relationship with the Lord is improving. That's very important to me. 

Peak: This one might be a questionable peak, but I hit and surpassed my weight goals for the holidays. I wanted to drop a few pounds (literally, like 2) by getting a bit more in shape. Over the two months of Zero Weigh In challenge, I actually lost a bit more than 5 lbs! I had fasted the day before the weigh in, so I think that might have dropped me a few more, but a solid 5 is very nice. My next goal is to work on muscle tone and cardio endurance. 

Peak: I have friends and family who love me and care about me. 

Peak: I am involved in a fantastic dance company that supports me individually and really cares about me as a person. We are also pretty dang good dancers, which doesn't hurt.

Peak: I finally went grocery shopping! I need to go again and get some menu ideas going on, but I am somewhat better stocked and finally have breakfast foods again. Yum!

Peak: I moved to the master room in our house and have a sweet bathtub in my bathroom. I love it. And I have a bay window. And hopefully I will find a few of my monkey hooks so I can hang a picture or two. 

Peak: I have good books on my Kindle! Admittedly, I'm currently reading an old one simply because I know it will be a good brain escape (it's very hard to find things that will occupy my brain so I can stop over-thinking), but I'm excited to start my new gift "And the Mountains Echoed" and a recommendation from my sister in law. Can't remember the name, but I did buy it!

Valley: Limbo. Always has been and always will be hard for me. Gone through some various stages of sadness on this one. I'm not sure where I stand at this point. All I know is who I want to be and how I want to live my life. 

Valley: Delynne Peay, one of my dearest dance professors in college, passed away last night. She had a major role in the course of my life through college, and even beyond. She was passionate about dance, culture, and the great good that comes through these facets. I danced on her team for two years, and remained close to her even after I finished my time with folk dance officially. She was vivacious, compassionate, and always pushed us to be our best. The Lord calls us to different missions at different times - she made a profound difference in my life and helped me discover a passion I didn't know I had. She believed in me and my skills. It has been so impressive to see the response from all the dancers whose lives she touched. I'm thankful to be part of her folk dance family and pray that her immediate family feels the peace and comfort they desire at this time. 

I feel like I suppose I will just do that

My good friend Meridith recently shared a blog post that is a poem of thoughts generated by this nifty app, What Would I Say? I read a tiny bit of her poem, checked out the app, and am happy to present the following. I'm sure I'll find more to add....

P.S. - the title was generated from that app. I frequently use the words "think, though, feel, Thursday, dance" and various references to writing. Please enjoy!

Come, come for an intervention...

2nd place and gifts. It's safe to say my first time ever playing hide and seek with my current mobility...

. And senior citizens excluding dress I can make up late, hurrying out a frisbee!!

It just rattled my nerves, thank goodness

Oh baby, it

I'm pretty nervous about teaching, but excited to flood me

Blog post is the last day can look forward to visit home for eating, shopping, and quilting.

Friday night with my parents are supposed to see what a long, weddingly day!

oh, and did in the same time.

Only 1.5 weeks until Thanksgiving break, then about 2 weeks until Thanksgiving break, then one of my piano, my thesis feels better, though??

I think it

is, in transit, maybe next

It's starting a performing dance

Just because it's true, we can't all be ice cream taste testers.

I think Thursday night...

11 this field stop throwing things are doing a fundraiser, do it!

I think Thursday lunch should be about 100 pages.

I'm pretty nervous about ammonia sweat.

I think I'll be in the mountains!

In a castle window, not only did I can actually fit as well I'm pretty cool

Saturday cleaning it's been a teacher weeks TO get tickets soon

Maid to Match...

Education is happening!

Well I'm going to participate in another day wedged in the making!

.. I''ll probably be there to see myself dance

Let's hope is HARD!

wishes this paper books I added to apply to come visit you

Sadly, I cannot express the many of these Middle Eastern nations. Take a student anymore?

Lets do it, Meridith!

Hey, it's hard to get better than that, the first SLC

Experiences are the left one calls the hair crimp...

I think my body is telling me

Proof see my students' reactions when I come visit you

Hopefully that means lots of unemployment. If anyone know

I think it's hope?? Either way, I can make no mistake.

that is full of thoughts...

Home for her to pick one calls the blog.

measures success in Nashville and pray its own forming as well, baby steps I breathed too

Sean was an iPad for all night with hummus!

Finally saw yesterday is truly got to talk with my computer decided to become something great.

Rock on for the answer?” “I haven’t the action

Time to hit GOLD and found a blog with an impromptu road trip with two interviews already for next

This bike with Nathan Gunn and especially block quotes MLA.

I think it

I'm pretty nervous about 5 different area or divers...

Calling all Indian Food Lovers I have to do next

Anyone who thinks the peach jam!

Slightly more flexibility back, ravioli for a ton of it?

Any recommendations on what I'm quite possibly the floor is an entire book from 1913 that

The author had a big impact.

And my powerful right toes/foot.

I've got my ticket home and bushy tailed...

We need to do it, Meridith!

and that in a most colorful ankle.

Laptop is in a crazy idea...

Let's hope someone takes good to great

but allergies, couldn't jump to do everything else before the weekend here

And so worried anymore about Proust and doctoral programs.

the special tap number we did in the future

our own choreographies of all MY academic career

I think my body fat, can't wait to chop off to happiness?

Now if I may have never had something to do it

I think a date tonight, and I have to replicate this

figuring out more than that, the first time to start my new life adventure can move and get a picture with Nathan Gunn and Irish reel step!

It's starting to get tour pictures in between two days

The author had a wide open window so

but allergies, couldn't I wait for having a job?

All you guess that

As always, and Erin, I'll be far far far it

The author had a successful day of unemployment. If anyone wants to hang out, give out!

I think it's with trvel and life!

These are paper abstracts to submit...

I think I glow when I dance.

I think I just need the insider access ;

seriously, how do we should try it!

Anyone who has finally come by not going, these days

Time to start working on for the better understand dance, specifically Irish dance.

Performing tomorrow night all changed recently, and it

Thesis Proposal officially signed and I feel like Gulliver among the peach jam!

So we all that

Off to Greece and family from God bless us, every one!

and that will be said I had a very first opera with photoshop.

First time for some light discussion on hell houses, saussure's relationship to dance, 17th century gender structures, and castrati.

I think I'll be able to bed early tonight.

and that my speakers and the roof for sheer happiness!

I'm pretty painted wall, you'll see oodles of pictures in Nashville and the parable of me

And my first I can conquer the police, agents, military, and especially block quotes MLA.

Anyone who wishes and great

I'm pretty nervous about the sky!

Just because I can move again for a few days

Filming shouldn't be able to getting shot tonight!

Can't wait and inner tube up here

packing packing packing...

Coming soon be up fliers for his family, my new job in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Around

Tour is almost every square inch. And what a concert

finally had one time when I dance.

Need a man who believes absolutely positively DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy me to hear back... there's no place like a writingdesk?” “Have you

the special tap dance!!

I'll get together, yeah yeah yeah, we can have to Utah!

.... but I can just brought the bruises to the river today, particularly the concrete pillar that

This bike ride it, Meridith!

Two months till 430, but yes, we make up to do some work now, though...

my little brother is officially NOT sure how we had to read through it.

The author had some bad I couldn't I have winter clothes on.

Your uplifting comments have learned my lesson!

Lol just came running and see all the happy

Time to talk to get a future

I think so

Buy one of film history, theory, technique. The author had a maid who works out!!

Dude, and found a better way

Probably because your sidekick is coming to Provo this

It just came running across 3 am, bright eyed and I think.

I think I just have to change the mood of DANCE

Thank you should tune in sleep.

Seriously so in the countdown and survival has nothing to the owner tomorrow

I think using it

One book on Saturday may not the right one and we make two paper abstracts to know

and that I definitely recommend the show, not the windshield right?

How to actually have time to hurry home and Dancing masters and what to see/do while we're striving for more information about the opportunities I've gotten from all of a bigger SD card

I think I'm ready for editing. Thanks GoogleBooks for having another art high just the ...

Maybe next time I'm in the water.

read an umbrella, not my winter coat.

I've got mad skillz with books in one dream jobs to apply to!

now back with you once I get to Japan, though.

went to my bags and miscellaneous trash bag, but that's all my dance

Happy me at the waiting game like a whitetrash blonde, thanks for the Arts...

Also a plausible form of burning calories, in my 3rd interview with tap number we did in the job leads, please message me!

. fork and knife aren't for eating, they're for defense!!!

What fun is winter without a little guidance on my thesis rock on my awesome

not me. Oh yes I did!

Just not to bring the hammer?

Bathtub won't drain. Getting bored of living alone. Is the weekend with Amber!!

And so crazies couldn't jump to their quest for a place...

The cool dream about teaching, but I'm OUT of Cadbury Mini golf, and is supposed to the inside medial ankle???

Love is a giveaway…

Good thing about being a storm I may be the street!

Guess I'd need Captain America to come up by Colleen, of the last day of unemployment. If anyone want to get ready to Turkey!

Why do we Jimmer at BYU?

Really really tired of burning calories, in my pink coat with the weekend!

Sadly, I suppose I slept on earth thought you

who is winter without a little more hopeful!

Jumping for joy fill your day ahead of me

that is the best part of that

For the heat makes such an extra minute to start my blog?

Home for the big unpacking tomorrow!

Your uplifting comments have helped host the world!

had two cinnamon rolls and a Saturday lineup for fall housing in that

We seriously doubt I could use a few minutes ago

I feel like going?

You Venezuelans have to take running shoes with the upside, I have danced all night...

I've got one all on the upside, I have the Piano Guys rocked my world or not today.

Congrats Chad and Dancing masters and their contribution and origin. As one who may soon

I've got some accounts I really need any juice!

Instant recipe for sheer happiness!

Time to hit GOLD and they requested my resume!

Thanks to see Lincoln, see a break/fracture. I'll let you

Words cannot express the many emotions of burning calories, in the Assembly Hall during a wide open window so

And so far it's been thinking about trauma and hear a crazy sore!

Let me at ikea who helped host the road.

I feel about trauma and Irish dance.

has a sore shoulder, but I come to my family ever!

I feel about a job in May your new life calling all Indian Food Lovers I needed to run and his name is Carson and he's healthy and happy

The cool kids decided to show support I can't believe I never went well, so

Prob not tonight though...

I feel like I feel...

And so lucky and applied for two more specific questions!

Applied for HOURS last night foreign karaoke though...

One of the Colin Dunne Riverdance I can conquer the blisters I can use Dear HBLL online I love dancing!

Missouri is working on topics include Bollywood dance, perhaps Irish, and senior about paying for college?

Jumping for joy in seven days

You Venezuelans have got a linguistic approach to fit out again...

becomes Professor Burgin and life adventure can actually have to be gone. Today

I feel like I suppose I will just do that

Midnight Musings

I've often wondered what others see when they see me dance. Do I look goofy? Do I look elegant? Do I look like I'm embodying the dance I'm doing, or do I just look like a body doing a set of dictated movements? 

I've often wondered this, especially as I've gotten older and done so many different styles of dance. At some point in college I realized - quite vividly - that the dancer in my mind's eye is WAY better than the physical one I actually am in real life. I think I became resigned to that fact many years ago. And honestly, that's okay. I like to think it's my spirit dancing, and one day I'll have the body that won't limit all that glorious movement. 

As the years have progressed, I've become more limited. Time marches on, and the machine that is the body must be maintained more rigorously over time to keep all the range of motion and fluidity that once came so easily. No wonder professional dancers phase out young. I'm not even that good, but even I can recognize that there are natural limits, or at least increasing prices to pay to keep the limits at bay. 

As a senior in high school, I wrenched out my knee cap. Anyone who has had knee issues knows that knee cap problems are just as rough and painful as knee joint problems. It's never gone away. It doesn't have as much "spring" in it. It doesn't bend as far as I would like. And it tends to feel funky when it does. That injury happened ten years ago in October. 

I've rolled both ankles a few times, though surprisingly less than one might imagine for a dancer. In 2009 I turned my left ankle quite severely. I managed to hobble around, although I did go get x-rays. Then in May I sprained my right ankle. Very badly. All my grown up body weight landed on it, and only it, from a lift in the air. I couldn't walk for three days. It was swollen for almost two months. It still hurts on occasion, still is a bit more swollen than it should be, and still has some distinct reduction in range of motion. 

I miss being a whole, physically capable dancer. I suppose I could have always worked harder and maintained more of my ballet skills and flexibility, achieved greater precision and technique in my feet, and developed better stamina and stage presence. I feel like I've matured mentally and become a better and better dancer as I've aged, but in some respects I've lost ground too. I may be able to characterize and portray better,  but only so far as my increased physical limitations will allow. 

I realize I'm not some decrepit old lady. I realize that I still perform on a dance team and will most likely find many more ways to continue dancing. But today I found out I didn't make an audition, which in past years I have made. I know they are changing direction and drastically reducing their cast size from previous years. I know there is really no sane or healthy way that I could have done that, clogging, and fulfilled my calling without sacrificing something. Given some of my past struggles with maintaining a healthy lifestyle, it's surely for the best for me to have a little downtime. But then perhaps I hid those and you didn't know I had struggles. 

I love to dance. I'm sad tonight that a door is shut. I know many  more doors and windows will be open to me still. I want to dance forever. I've danced longer than many people, and I'm impressed with the women I dance with now who have been at it even longer than I have! Perhaps I will be like them, if I can get my aging brain to hang on to choreography like it used to. If I can get my body to do what it's supposed to. If I can have a stage to fill with beautiful movement, with lights and music. For the love of dance...

Day 23: Helaman 5-7

I have missed doing my personal scripture study lately. This prayer blog takes enough time that I don't generally double up. No excuse, I know.... As I started the year another goal of mine was to write my thoughts after reading the scriptures, take my study more meaningful. Yeah, I am just full of goals this year, it seems. Anyways, I went back to my usual spot for tonight's reading. I have a few random thoughts that I'd like to share.

Have you noticed how many times the word remember shows up in Helaman 5? A lot. The word always makes me think of my graduate studies... I wrote my thesis partly on memory theory. Whenever I see the word remember, I want to stick a hyphen in to make it re-member. Re- create. Re-build. Re-construct. Re as a prefix means to do again. We know the things we must recall, but to remember can imply making those connections new to us, to re form them into a more relevant context. Make it mean something by examining it and re-fleshing it into existence. I could keep going but... It's pretty philosophical and I'm not quite ready to delve deeper tonight.

Another prayer thought that hit me was Helaman 7. This is when Nephi is praying on a tower and draws a crowd because it so unusual. I was struck by a footnote about the tower.... It links back to Alma when the city is fortified with lookout towers. This seems to be the tower Nephi is on, a tower of safety and protection. Prayer provides us fortification. It also protects others as we pray for them. He didn't go there to make a scene, but rather to protect his beloved, wandering people.

Prayer is all around us. It reshapes us. It protects us. And it keeps us close to God.

Day 21: Prayer Quotes

Today was a good day as far as prayers and answers go.... My recent primary request has been in regards to finding the right place to move/live. Through the past several months of seeking to be in the right place for one thing or another (namely, the right state and the right job), I've developed a working theory of... well, I'm not sure what to call it. As I thought about it earlier today, it brought to mind the talk by Pres. Uchtdorf about enduring to the end/waiting patiently, and how that not a passive process, but an active one. It was a talk my mom shared with me at some point in the past two years when I was trying to figure out my life. PS: moms are pretty smart. We should listen to them more often.  Anyways, my working theory is that if I do all I can to push forward, and I'm doing so with faith in the Lord and many prayers, the answers will inevitably come. The right things will work themselves out, and the wrong ones.... well, they have this way of ebbing out of sight. I'm not sure I would have been able to direct my life this way before I realized so profoundly for myself that God is extremely aware of me and will stretch out His hand to intervene if I'm about to do something foolish. I trust He also stretches out those hands to lead us to good things... but my testimony of that intervention came from being saved from something bad. With the job, I thought for sure I needed to get back to Provo and be around friends. None of the jobs I applied for down there worked out. Slowly, the Lord changed my heart towards Salt Lake and one day I realized that I wanted to stay up here. A similar thing has happened as  I've pushed to find where to move next. I was adamant about moving downtown. I began to grant some consideration to Sugarhouse after that, but only the areas north of I80. It wasn't until this past week or so that I felt like I needed to consider areas south of I80. Slowly but surely, my heart was changed and directed. I've found places to go look at, and thanks to the help of friends and family, I have good options to consider now. I know I'm a little stubborn sometimes, but I'm thankful that the Lord works with me in a way that helps me see His guiding hand. 

That became much more than I intended it to be... now on to the rest of the post! I decided to look for quotes about prayer and see what I could discover. I really love reading the words of wise people, and I'm a firm believer in the idea that truth surrounds us, regardless of religious affiliation. That's a subject for another day, though.   :)  Tonight, I present you with a few lovely gems that spoke to my heart and mind about prayer. I know I'm kind of always inviting comments on here, but if you have a good prayer quote to share, feel free to leave a comment with it! 

Mother Teresa

May God break my heart so completely that the whole world falls in.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

 Be not forgetful of prayer.  Every time you pray, if your prayer is sincere, there will be new feeling and new meaning in it, which will give you fresh courage, and you will understand that prayer is an education. (Brothers Karamazov) 

Phillips Brooks               

Pray the largest prayers. You cannot think a prayer so large that God, in answering it, will not wish you had made it larger. Pray not for crutches but for wings.

Epicurus                            

It is folly for a man to pray to the gods for that which he has the power to obtain by himself.

Soren Kierkegaard

The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.

Abraham Lincoln

I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day.

Gordon B. Hinckley

Let us never forget to pray.  God lives.  He is near.  He is real.  He is not only aware of us but cares for us.  He is our Father.  He is accessible to all who will seek Him.

A bit of 2012

I had great intentions of writing more over my Christmas holiday. Of course, I left my journal and my laptop back in Utah. The journal.. well that's hard to replace. I could have gotten on any computer to blog, but I didn't. I definitely did some reflecting at home, thinking over the many ups, downs, twists, and turns of 2012. I was absolutely happy for the last bells to chime its death, closing that chapter and turning to the unwritten pages of 2013. You know what makes me really happy about my prospects this year? It is guaranteed to be better than 2012!! After a year like 2012, there really is nowhere else to go but up. I started off last year with various ailments for the first three months. I'd lost weight due to stress. I wasn't happy in my relationships or in my job. I wasn't happy much at all, in fact. September was the beginning of turning the corner, but that process still took time. But as of the waning days of December, I'm healthy, have some jiggly bits back (which I hope to eradicate through exercise instead of stress), have a job, and am really really happy. I've had several people say that 2013 will be my year. 

I was driving home tonight from visiting with Chad/Michelle/kiddos/Jeff/their neighbors the Wards listening to some great music. (I've been having family withdrawals since coming back to Utah.) It reminded me of one of the cute girls in my 1st grade class last year: Katina. It was towards the end of the school year and my life was basically unraveling by the moment. She was a trendy girl, always up on the latest songs and cool pencils. I remember one day when we were outside at recess, she came up to me singing the chorus line of this song. I'm not sure if she was singing it to me, or just singing the song, but every time I hear this song, I think of her. 

                                  

Of course, once I think of Katina I am reminded of her best friend, Maddy. I feel a little bad about how the end of the year went with Maddy. She was a bit of a favorite... She really latched onto me as a teacher and I enjoyed her as my student. She was a handful quite often, but mostly because she was very bright and creative and friendly. Anyways, I felt bad when the year ended because she left school a week before classes ended. And I was at home canceling plans and making arrangements for my newly upturned life and crying on the last day she was at school. I never got to say goodbye to her. I just hope I remembered to write a note in her yearbook. She'd left it at school for the class to sign... of course, that last week of school I was in such a mire of my life that it's a miracle I managed to teach and maintain the classroom. I'm so thankful misery doesn't kill people. Anyways, when I think of Maddy, I instantly think of the gift she gave me at the end of the year. 

Maybe one reason I felt so close to Maddy is because she reminds me of myself when I was young, in some ways. Blonde girl, a little tomboyish at times, loves reading, loves horses, loves school. I'm not sure I was as spunky or mischievous (hey that was one of our spelling words!) as she was, but I think those similarities were part of our bond. And who doesn't love to feel loved by a child? I have maybe two regrets from 2012,  and one of them is that I wasn't able to love my students as much the second half of the year, through no fault of theirs. I sincerely wish I had been able to break through whatever happened that changed so profoundly once the new year kicked in. They were all beautiful, intelligent children. I'm really thankful I had the experience to teach them. For months I struggled with trying to understand why I was going through this challenging teaching experience (though I doubt now that it had anything to do with teaching), and I distinctly remember the day I got my answer. Circumstances played out for me to be a teacher last year so I could learn to love children more and prepare to be a better mother. 

I hope 2013 is the year I realize some of those dreams -- marriage to the RIGHT guy, finding fulfillment in a career -- but it's okay if none of those happen. When 2012 comes down to the end, it reveals me as happier than I have been in years. Perhaps a little more sensitive, a little more aware of others, a little more in tune with the Spirit, and definitely happier. I know 2013 still holds challenges, tears, trials, and hard days ahead, but it will be my year. It already is. I am back. I am happy. I am more the person I know I am meant to be. And I'm looking forward to the journey through this new chapter and new year. 

Why I disagree with "Mormon Feminists"

The following is a relatively free-hand rehearsal of my thoughts. It has been thought through, but not particularly edited much. FYI. 

There has been a great deal of hoopla going on lately in regards to "Mormon Feminists." Sunday marked a Facebook-wide push for women to wear pants to church. It garnered a lot of attention from many news outlets such as NPR and FOX. Personally, I was too busy with my life to really get caught up in things, but I knew enough of the movement to know that I would not be joining the ranks of pants-wearers. According to their comments, these feminists advocating pants at church did so in order to make a statement and push for united sisterhood. According to one of the Facebook groups: 

The creators of this event are feminists who recognize pants are a symbol of much larger issues that require addressing. This event is the first act of All Enlisted, a direct action group for Mormon women to advocate for equality within our faith. We do not seek to eradicate the differences between women and men, but we do want the LDS church and its members to acknowledge the similarities. We believe that much of the cultural, structural, and even doctrinal inequality that persists in the LDS church today stems from the church's reliance on – and enforcement of – rigid gender roles that bear no relationship to reality.

I must declare that I do not agree with this type of thinking. I do not think we should be using a place of worship as a place to stage, what amounts to, political posturing. I recognize that there are politic of faith, and many people have extremely strong emotions on both sides of the spectrum. I respect that we all do and should have differing viewpoints in regards to the cultural, non-doctrinal aspects of religion. I believe that these differences make our worship and religious cultural experiences richer through their diversity. They celebrate the individuality of each person, while highlighting the similarities that bond us together as followers of Christ. But I feel like what many of the "Mormon Feminists" do, particularly the most vocal ones, is divide to conquer. 

A cursory read of posts on blogs such as Feminist Mormon Housewives quickly reveals the agenda of its adherents. The tag line itself spells it out explicitly: "angry activists" (followed by various culturally common tasks such as "with peaches to can" or "with bonnets to sew"). I do not believe that a group founded on anger can properly solve any kind of problem. Anger muddies the water and distracts from the issues at hand. Many of the posts are from women expressing their deep frustration with the church system. 

I read one where the mother shared profound sadness and and sense of disconnection with her daughter regarding the receiving of her Young Womanhood medallion. The mother was supremely upset that her daughter's leader and bishop handled the matter so quickly and without the fanfare associated with a young man's Eagle Scout award. Her anger blinded her from realizing that Boy Scouts of America is not an LDS-based organization. Her argument couldn't hold water, because by nature the two awards would be different. What particularly bothered me about the story was the blame: it was the institution's fault. She was not culpable in making the experience memorable for her daughter. I disagree. I recall completing the requirements to receive my own medallion. With my good friend, who also received her award at the same time, we and our parents coordinated with the bishopric to create a special Young Women's activity. For our weekly activity, we had a special barbecue where all the Young Women could come and celebrate their accomplishments and our sisterhood. My friend and I received our medallions, which was the primary purpose, but it focused on our accomplishments as young women and helped to set an example for the rest of our younger sisters. Why didn't this mother talk with the YW president or bishopric to see if such an option was available? 

I believe that many of the perceived injustices against women could be alleviated if women proactively proposed solutions. There are ways to make the Young Women's program as fulfilling and empowering as the Young Men's program. Scouting is its own program, but why not have interested young women meet together to do those kinds of activities? I realize that these women might argue that it is the responsibility of the institution to provide equal programs for men and women, boys and girls. To them, I would suggest that they research how many of the Young Men's activities are actually for scouting, a non-LDS based group. I would also suggest that many Relief Society sisters are just begging for someone to propose target shooting instead of quilting nights! Go ahead and be that positive voice to suggest such activities. That is a proactive way to solve what you see as a problem.

Getting back on track with the pants and feminists though... I consider myself a progressive woman in the church. I am educated. I am single. I am confident to go to church and sit by myself if I want to. I worship in the ways that bring me closest to God. If you need to wear pants to feel connected to your God, then by all means do so. I support you. If you feel disconnected from sisters in your ward - I understand. I've been there. It's tough to navigate female relationships, particularly with cultural norms playing a role. I don't feel like wearing pants is going to help me connect with you though. I don't see how pants are demonstrating your pain and anguish with the church. I respect that you perceive yourself as a victim or lesser participant. I would suggest that you are an empowered woman who can do everything in your power to change that. 

One last thought on "Mormon Feminists" and why I disagree with them - unity versus divisiveness. One major claim of the pants movement was to unite women. In fact, many of their movements and arguments are based on the idea that we women need to unite and let our voices be heard. What bothers me is that the quest to have a resounding voice often results in subjugation of differing opinions. These feminists were thrilled (as was I) with the lower ages for missionaries. What a step forward for our sisters, daughters, etc! Truly it is a great opportunity. But what of the women who still choose not to serve? Will these feminists express them same love and understanding to women who consciously chose to remain more "conventional" despite the broadened options? I don't believe that the "Mormon Feminist" discourse leaves a place for women who believe in progress but desire the conventional expression of life, faith, and devotion. They distinguish themselves through their strong views, which naturally draw lines and boundaries. As long as they put themselves in opposition to other women, they will never achieve the ultimate goal of unifying all women together as simply women. Clothes don't make the woman. They really aren't even important at all. Your sister is important. I believe that if we focus our energies and efforts on getting to know our sisters and loving them, we will effect greater change than any pants movement could do. 

Rainy Monday

Okay, so I don't know if today is actually very rainy, but if sure feels like it is. I'm not sure what triggered it... maybe it started in Relief Society yesterday when I tried to make a comment in class and got attacked by the teacher for it. That was pleasant. Maybe it was when we drove past a neighborhood I don't want to be near still. Maybe it was the acknowledgement that I'm going to be one of those who gets married "later in life," in contrast to the "young marrieds" so prevalent in LDS culture. Maybe I just get sad sometimes, even on the best of days. I'd like to think that that's okay every now and then. It does get a bit more challenging when I add on a Monday like this though. 

Job searching is the bane of my existence right now. I've applied for probably 20-30 jobs in the past few weeks, and have heard approximately nothing from them. One in particular was exciting for me... an editor position near Provo. I was able to make some connections and start networking. The reply I got from one individual today felt like that Relief Society attack yesterday. I truly just wanted to network, of course with the hope that that would be advantageous in my job hopes. After "not implying" that my goal was to get a backdoor interview for a job, the person then got on my case for trying to talk to people while I had a job application in. Person again implied that I was just trying to get the inside track for this job I applied for. What do you say to that? Feeling attacked, I responded saying that I was looking into the industry with many contacts and did not want to create a conflict of interest. 

Is it really too much to ask that I obtain gainful employment? I have a Masters degree. I feel like that counts for nothing positive on my behalf. The one job that's seeking me out is answering phones for customer service..... I did that before I had bachelor's degree! I'm just really at a loss as to what to do, and my confidence is not where it needs to be to do more job stuff today. 

In case this read wasn't what you hoped to read, stay tuned for me sharing my recent missionary experience!! Now that is something to smile about. 

busy bee

well, you may have wondered why i fell off the bloggingplanet lately. to be honest, life is so crazy busy right now! school is super super stressful and has been taking my health on a downhill run for a while now. since january, really. it's not exactly a good thing when your skinny jeans don't fit snugly... especially fresh out of the dryer. aside from getting the life sucked out of me on a daily basis, my own personal life is thriving thriving!! which in turn keeps me busy and occupied constantly, thus i have little time to update my blog. there's only 100 other things to be doing right now. like sleep. and laundry. and lesson plans. and unpacking my room. yes, it's been months and i still have not completely arranged my living quarters!! one day i'll have time to put it together, probably just in time to move again when my contract is up. oh well, bridges for another day. if you are really interested in what's happening in my life, stay tuned. i'll try to keep ya posted as things happen. look at this year already! january is already over and february is chugging away quickly. school honestly can't be over soon enough for me. i hope i can sing/speak again normally after it ends. and i hope the stress stops taking such a big toll on my physically... sick for 3+ weeks and counting, dropping weight, sleep, etc. this administration has set me up for failure and i don't care for it much. nor do i have my stress-relief of dancing in place anymore. 


anyone in SLC know of a good studio for adults? i found a place that does pole dancing but that's just not my thing. i need dance that will give me a sanity check and at least a small workout. hm. maybe i should join a gym or something? what do you think? i really need to add something to my life (yes, yet another thing to keep me busy) that will help me de-stress from the nutso job i have taken. (lest ye be worried, i do love teaching and i do love my kids. it's the administration and their hurdles of expectations and the circumstances they've placed me in that make me call it nutso. it's disaster in a classroom and i think we're all just surviving this year - students and myself.) so yes, thoughts appreciated!