Dave's Baptism

I had the best long weekend last week!! I went to Washington D.C. to see my amazing boyfriend, Dave, get baptized. He is such a wonderful man. We met earlier this year, before he had really begun investigating, and even then I was impressed by his moral character, integrity, and especially his kindness and generosity. I feel incredibly blessed to be dating such a great guy, and doubly blessed that his investigation of the church led to a conversion within him. It's a great story, but for now here are some pictures of the day. 

Colin, our mutual friend who introduced us, baptized Dave. 

Linda, Dave's mom, came up from Florida to support him. 

Not pictured are my parents, Elder and Sister Gillespie from the D.C. Temple Visitor's Center, and all the ward family that came out to support Dave on this special day!

Sunday thought

I'm so thankful for my patriarchal blessing. I'm thankful that I've been able to come closer The Lord since the start of the new year. I feel like I've gained additional trust in The Lord and his plan for me. It's one thing to be promised something and bother thing to trust those words. I feel like my trust has grown. I believe it. I've seen some aspects come true already. The rest will come. Marriage to a righteous young man. Children. A strong and happy family focused on The Lord. Continued opportunities to serve, learn, and grow. I know it will come to pass. And I know it in a way that I don't think I believed in beforehand. I'm thankful today for this realization, this growth in my testimony, and for the lords continued hand in my life. 

The mighty 400

This is my 400th post! I was going to put a cool picture on here to celebrate that, but most of them were of motorcycles and schmancy cars. And I'm a little bit off-put by motorcycles still, thanks to the X, and fancy cars remind me of someone I'm currently working to forget. So.... no pictures on this one. 

I did want to say a little something about how thankful I am for faith and hope. It still isn't easy, and hasn't been easy, to feel the familiar sting of a mis-timed or mis-matched relationship. It's because it's familiar that makes it hurt more. Re-opening the old wound, scratching at the scar... well, you get the image. I've been striving very much to move forward, and to do so with faith and hope. The gray days of February make it hard sometimes. I'll openly admit that I get a little SAD (seasonal affective disorder) during the winter. And when sad things happen during the cold, drab, dreary winter months, the challenges honestly do seem to be amplified. I was extremely thankful to see the sun pop out from behind the clouds today as I drove in to work. My mood immediately lifted. 

Faith. Hope. Faith that the Lord has a plan for my life. Faith that it is a better plan than mine. Hope that He's working things out for my good right now, not just making me wait for the sake of waiting. Hope that it's true - when the right one comes, it will be easy and natural and it won't have hiccups and it won't get derailed. Faith has to come first. Then hope. I think what it comes down to is I always have faith in these things. I know the Lord directs my paths. But hope: that is when I feel happy and positive about this knowledge. Faith seems to be the last shred of reason and sensibility that I cling to when I'm at my lowest and saddest. Hope seems to be the positivity and forward-looking that peeks through the darkness and motivates me to push through. 

One of the girls I visit teach recently got engaged. She's beautiful, smart, talented, down to earth... and she'll be 30 this year. I felt a little selfish as we visited yesterday, because it's my stewardship to aid her, not the other way around. However, as I asked about her engagement and the fun details of her life right now, I found myself asking and hearing from her the story of faith and trust that brought her to this young man. It wasn't anything spectacular or even very different. She wasn't trying to do one thing or another to secure a man, but was simply living her life and pursuing her dreams. One thing she said stood out to me above the rest.

He wasn't the kind of guy she expected or thought she'd end up with. But, he is everything that she needs. In ways that she didn't even realize at first. 

I know it's coming. Something's coming, something good, if I can wait..... I am continually buoyed up by my family. My friends. My deepening relationship with Heavenly Father. My interactions with the scriptures and talks. I'm thankful I have hard times to wear off some of my rough edges. 

Growing pains

January has brought along some interesting experiences and tons of opportunity for personal growth! I could probably count on one (maybe two) hands the number of days I haven't cried, but a lot of that has been from spiritual influences and feeling the Lord so close to me. I've definitely grown much closer to Him these past few weeks. 

At first it was a matter of survival - ain't no way I was going to "endure" the circumstances without some divine help! Well, I say that, but I just knew that I needed the comfort and peace that comes with seeking the Lord. Emotions are gnarly and tricksy and all sorts of trouble, sometimes. Peace calms the negative feelings and allows the positive feelings to shine through, no matter how weak they are. That's why the gospel makes us happy.... it let's the Lord shine His light through us without the pain blocking its power. The pain is often still there. The trials are often still there. But the light still floods through us and makes the difficulties less noticeable and less burdensome. 

Honestly, which day makes you feel happier: an overcast, cold snowy day, or a bright, sunny, cold snowy day? 

Yeah, that's what I though. It doesn't matter if it's cold and snowy, as long as the sun is shining brightly. Some things in my life have changed that bring in the Lord's light, and I couldn't be more thankful for that!

1. I read the scriptures in the morning before I get out of bed. It has absolutely slowed down my morning routine, but I feel less rushed and more at peace. 
2. Because I've read my scriptures, I tend to pray either right when I wake up or at some point before I leave for work. Again, it's not a conventionally "perfect" prayer, but I converse with the Lord. Sometimes it's even just driving in the car. But we talk every day. 
3. I was never good at either of these things. Now they're become habits. 
4. I am a weak person. I doubt and second-guess. I've turned to prayer and scriptures during the day and evenings to counteract my weakness. It's a great restorative for faith. 
5. My friends and family are amazing. I already knew that, but I love getting reminded of it.

Thoughts on Happiness + Getting personal

This post may get a bit personal. But I don't know that anyone reads my updates too much these days, so I'm just going with it. 


It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life's story will develop.

―Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Despite how difficult circumstances may look at the moment, those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out.

―Gordon B. Hinckley

 In life as in the dance, grace glides on blistered feet.. 

— Alice Abrams

I've been thinking a lot lately about happiness. What it takes to bring true, enduring happiness. For me, I'm beginning to realize that happiness and faith are closely linked... especially on the big things. Obviously, a donut always makes me happy. Dancing makes me happy. But intangibles that bring happiness - successful career, love, friendship, marriage, acceptance, etc. - really require faith that happiness is possible even in their absence. 

No one would ever confuse me for a bubbly, happy optimist. I am generally a happy person, but I've got enough of a serious side and realistic side that I'm just never going to be pegged that way. I'm a person that feels deeply. When I chose to care and invest myself in something, I don't do it halfway. I've known this about myself for some time. It's arguably as much of a weakness as it is a strength. 

So here arises the conundrum. How do you make a gentle transition into committing to someone without over committing? History says that I am no good at this. I've been realizing lately though, that it's a matter of focus and a question of what I'm committing to. I have to commit to things I know and trust. 

I know that I am a catch. 

I know that I've been promised that I will get married. And I know it's coming. That means that I'll have to meet a young man who wants to date and court me first. I know that will happen, too. 

I have an amazing job.

I have been blessed with numerous talents.

I have more friends than I think I do.

I have a fabulous family and extended family. 

And I trust that:

If I commit to the Lord, then I can commit 100% like I always do. And He can take care of the rest. 

And He will. 

Good morning, 2014!

I must say, 2013 was a good year. Honestly, there was some inevitability of that happening... the previous year was probably the worst year of my life. This time last year I was still pushing onward with faith but uncertainty, and probably not tons of happiness. This New Year, I am so blessed and thankful that it's hard to remember those tough memories! 

I have a wonderful job that keeps me busy and pushes me to learn and grow. Every day I get to work with compassionate and creative people. Together, we make a real difference for hospitalized kids across North America. 

I am taking steps towards my goal of getting published - I'm expanding my thesis and broadening it out to address some important topics in more detail. I will be presenting a portion of my new research this February in Washington D.C. 

I'm healthy and strong. I am motivated to work out and stretch my limits again... maybe even get back into ballet shape with the goal of performing on pointe! I am also continuing my dance pursuits with a competitive clogging team - a whole new experience for me to compete in dance!

I live in a cute house with great roommates who are caring and fun. I am looking forward to the adventures we'll have once we all get moved and settled in. 

Also I had a special someone to kiss at midnight. :)  Thanks, Jake, for wonderful New Year's Eve, New  Year's, and birthday! 

We went to see the Secret Life of Walter Mitty recently..... I loved this quote and want to live my life like this: inspired.

To see things thousands of miles away, things hidden behind walls and within rooms, things dangerous to come to, to draw closer, to see and be amazed and to feel, that is the purpose of life.

Reminders

Several years ago, this talk came out in the Ensign: Continue in Patience . I'm pretty sure it was written just for me, especially at the time it came out. I think one of the biggest struggles I've encountered as an "older" single woman in the LDS culture is figuring out what to do with myself in these circumstances. I fully believe there is a segment of LDS women my age (+ 5 years/-3 years) who sort of slipped through the cracks. When we were in the Young Women's program, the culture was still marriage at a young age. I don't think anyone anticipated that times were changing and that fewer of us would achieve that "ideal." I often look back and it's so easy to see how unprepared I was for facing an alternate future. 

Figuring out what it means to be single in a culture that still promotes young marriage ages has been a rewarding challenge. I've had so many remarkable experiences that I likely would never have had if I'd gotten married younger. I don't regret the path my life has take, not one bit. 

That said, patience has never been my strongest suit. And learning what it means to be actively patient - aka, not just lolling around waiting for life to happen - was a huge lesson I had to learn. I remember when I read this talk, it finally started to make sense. I began to understand what I needed to do. 

I needed this talk today. Even now, patience is hard for me. This talk is priceless. Don't give up on yourself. Don't forget that the Lord is patient with you. 

To paraphrase the Psalmist of old, if we wait patiently for the Lord, He will incline unto us. He will hear our cries. He will bring us out of a horrible pit and set our feet upon a solid rock. He will put a new song in our mouths, and we will praise our God. Many around us will see it, and they will trust in the Lord. ¹⁴

I know this promise is true. The Lord has taken me out of horrible pits in the past and lifted me to solid places. It continues to take faith and patience as wonderful new experiences appear on the horizon. Even great blessings and opportunities push us out of our comfort zones. So thankful I found this talk today :) 

In Memorium... the victims of Sandy Hook Elementary

December 14, 2012 ...

Like most tragic and shocking events, the news of this elementary school shooting came by word of mouth. I was at work, thinking more of my performance that evening than anything else. I suppose we never really feel the full impact of these events unless we are personally tied to them. So many people experienced a tragedy that day that I can't even begin to comprehend. Despite being far from the events and the deep emotions of that day, I was profoundly touched that evening by what I consider to be the greatest tribute I've heard.  

That Friday evening, the official opening of the Mormon Tabernacle Christmas Concert 2012, Lloyd Newell began the evening with remarks on the tragic events of the day. We dancers were in our places in the aisles as the entire Conference Center bowed head and paused in a moment of silence for the victims and families. It was a somber beginning to the evening performance, though it didn't darken the mood. 

The day's events jumped poignantly to the forefront of the show, however, when Alfie Boe sang "Bring Him Home." I had heard the song several times before, between dress rehearsals and other shows. This time was different. In the musical Les Miserables, the song is often titled "The Prayer." When Alfie sang on Friday, December 14, 2012, it truly felt like a prayer for the beautiful children and teachers who had lost their lives. 

May our God always bring us home to Him. 

A year ago

I was watching my life fall to pieces 

I was saying all the wrong things, knowing I wasn't supposed to beg

I was wondering why crying didn't come faster 

I was wondering how to escape the emotions, willing my mind to far away places

I was at my brother's home, never to return and sleep on my bed in my Bountiful apt

I was calling my mom and telling her its over

I was calling work and claiming illness

I was on an air mattress, lying awake for hours because sleep was harder

I was broken in every possible way

Today, I am happy

I am watching my life continue to unfold in exciting ways

I am closer to my family

I am more humble and willing to accept guidance from my family

I am healthier 

I am closer to my Heavenly Father

I am making new friends

I am living old dreams that still light up my life 

I am stronger and more confident in what I deserve

I am settled in a new home

I am (90%) out of boxes 

I am single and learning again the joys that can bring

I am more loving and forgiving 

Happy anniversary to me and the beginning of the life God had ready for me. It's not been an easy first year, but the blessings have far outweighed the pains. I hope I can continue to live in a way that brings continued blessings, happiness, and perhaps even a desired miracle or two. 

Answers all around...

I believe that God guides our steps, especially when we are trying to follow him and asking for specific blessings. I don't think there coincidences in timing. I'm impressed by how inviting the Spirit into our lives more though small actions can influence the big things. I don't have proof right now, just inklings of thoughts. I still need to do that recap.... But if these new realizations and experiences are any indication of an internal change, then I think I will be eternally happy that I spent 26 days focused on improving my relationship with The Lord.

Day 18: Helaman 5:30, 46-47

It's getting personal tonight -- consider yourself sufficiently forewarned. Don't worry, it's pretty good stuff. :)

It shouldn't be this hard to find a place to live. 

It's been a rough night. I've been looking more diligently lately for a place in Salt Lake City. I feel like it's about time that I break out of the comfort zone of the grandparents' basement and push myself... and get a more active social life. I really do love it here, but I know that the clock is winding down. I have been trying to find the right place, the right location... maybe even the perfect place. I know very few people in Salt Lake. I am trying to move forward with faith, despite my fears of not making friends and being lonely. Searching, calling people, coordinating with potential roommates (it was a blow when that completely fell flat, not going to lie), figuring out what I'm looking for and where I'm willing to look. Truly, it shouldn't be this hard. But it is. I got lost driving to the place I checked out tonight. It's a decent place. Small but workable room. Plenty of storage. Semi-shared bathroom. But I didn't love the neighborhood. I didn't feel much connection to the one roommate I met. I didn't like the location. There's not much yard, there's no park nearby, and it's not really near much in the immediate surroundings. And I got lost driving there. 

So, my mind was kind of a jumble tonight. I've been trying to understand how the Spirit speaks to me. I think that's something I've been learning better during this walk with Christ. As the tears were overwhelming me, I knew I had to get help and I needed the scriptures. I've just been going through the Book of Mormon chapter by chapter, and I haven't been keeping up on it as well since starting this project. But wouldn't you know, I opened to my bookmark in Helaman 5 and started skimming through the chapter. I needed something, and fast. And there it was in verse 30. And 46-47. Three verse telling me how the Spirit talks and what I should feel when the answer is positive. He is quiet. Pleasant. Peaceful. And that is how I will feel when the answer is right: quiet, pleasant,  peaceful. 

I didn't feel peaceful while contemplating the possibility of moving to this place. My mom could tell when I mentioned in a way that implied my doubts. My brother wisely asked if I felt at home at any of the places I've looked at. No. I haven't. That's pretty straight forward of an answer. I suppose there is some reason for me waiting. I thought I would have been moved out back in September! Or October. I do trust that there's a reason. I understand a little bit why I needed to be here during autumn. I had some great experiences and learned a lot. I truly hope I can figure out where I need to be next. I feel peaceful about continuing to look. If any of you unknown readers out there have suggestions about the Salt Lake scene or anything .... this is a good day to share :)

Day 15: Isaiah 40:31

Prayer is a much about answers as it is about the act of praying. This scripture seemed fitting, because so often the answer phase of prayer requires us to wait on The Lord. I'm single and 27, still waiting for the blessing of marriage. I have friends my same age who are married, by waiting for the blessing of children. I have friends my age who are waiting until the next life to see departed spouses, children. I think every human being waits to understand the "why" of various events in their lives. We must wait on the Lord. Thankfully, some answers come sooner and help us wait on the big ones.

Last night, I was trying to understand how I get answers to prayer. I chose to pray to better understand that process, and today at church I got an answer. One thing I have found during this process, is that it is easier for me to recognize when answers are being given. In chapter 4 of the Lorenzo Snow manual, there is a part that talks about being familiar with the spirit so we can understand the answers it is revealing to us. I realized that this was my answer! The way for me to receive answers to prayer is to be familiar with the spirit. Of course, that is easy to say and harder to do sometimes. I feel like this process has helped me recognize that spirit and see answers more frequently because of that. Some answers comes through reading the Scriptures. Some answers come in a feeling such as peace and calm. Some answers come in ways that will still take more processing to understand, but that are there for sure.

How do you recognize the Spirit and recognize the answers it gives you?

Day 14: Our Path of Duty by Keith B.McMullin

Lots of prayer thoughts today... in the chapel at the temple the first two songs were "Did you think to pray" and "Secret Prayer." While there I also had time to talk to God in prayer. Can I be really honest? I'm still working on the hearing and understanding the answers part. I think everyone gets answers in their own that speaks to them. Oh, I've figured out some key aspects of how I get answers, but.... I know there's more ground to be covered there. Anyways, I'll come back to that in a minute. Other prayer moments included me desperately praying out loud in my car as I drove less than a mile to the gas station because my re-fill light had just barely kicked on. Seriously, I kept begging that my car be able to make it to the gas station. Perhaps I worried too much, but for what it's worth, there was a point in that 5 minute drive - after about a minute of repeated please let my car make it to the gas station, please let my car make it to the gas station, please let my car make it to the gas station - when my gas light turned off!! And a few moments later I turned safely into the gas station and sidled up to a pump. Another prayer moment was when I talked to my mom and she mentioned that she has been praying for me to find the right place and situation to live so I can get more involved socially. I love living with the grandparents, but my current ward arrangements are.... atypical, and haven't brought about the social scene they way I'd like to have it. This journey has definitely made me more cognizant of prayer moments in my daily life. One thing I need to keep working on, as mentioned above, is the answers. 

I changed my prayer search tonight to look for info on answers to prayer. In fact, "answer to prayer" was the keyword search that yielded this wonderful talk by Keith B. McMullin. (PS I know his nephews.) He talks about our duty, and has a section specifically on prayer. I'd like to copy it here below for you, as it's longer than the typical verse or two reference. Before I do, I just want to mention a few things that stood out to me. 

1. The eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers.  1 peter 3:12
2. It is our duty to pray.
3. Prayers need to be harmonious with heaven (this is the challenge for us... to achieve that harmony!)
4. The Holy Ghost enlightens us while we receive answers to prayer. (Maybe this is the key for me to understand my answers better.)
5. These kinds of prayers bring forth the blessings of heaven!!! Sign me up!

How Do We Know Our Path of Duty in the Midst of Crisis?

We pray! It is everyone’s sure way to know; it is everyone’s lifeline to heaven. Said the Apostle Peter, “The eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers.” ¹⁸

Humble, sincere, inspired prayer makes available to each of us the divine guidance we so desperately need. Brigham Young counseled, “At times, men are perplexed and full of care and trouble … ; yet our judgment teaches us that it is our duty to pray.” ¹⁹

Jesus taught:

“Ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation; …

“Therefore ye must always pray unto the Father in my name; …

“Pray in your families unto the Father, always in my name, that your wives and your children may be blessed.” ²⁰

For prayers to be efficacious, they must be in harmony with the plan of heaven. The prayer of faith bears fruit when such harmony exists, and this harmony exists when prayers are inspired by the Holy Spirit. The Spirit manifests what our petitions should be. ²¹ Absent this inspired guidance, we are inclined to “ask amiss,” ²² to seek only our will and not “Thy will.”²³ It is as important to be guided by the Holy Spirit while praying as it is to be enlightened by that same Spirit while receiving an answer to prayer. Such prayer brings forth the blessings of heaven because our Father “knoweth what things [we] have need of, before [we] ask him,” ²⁴ and He answers every sincere prayer. Ultimately, it is the Father and the Son who promise, “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” ²⁵

I bear my witness that our path of duty is clearly marked by an undivided faith and belief in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the power of prayer. This path is to be traveled by all of God’s children who love Him and desire to keep His commandments. For the young, it leads to personal achievement and preparation; for adults, it leads to renewed faith and resolve; for the older generation, it leads to perspective and endurance in righteousness to the end. It equips every faithful traveler with the strength of the Lord, protects him from the evils of the day, and endows him with the knowledge that “the conclusion of the whole matter [is to] Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.” ²⁶ In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Sometimes the strong are weak

I don't want to mope or whine or relive the past. Truly. If you want to know more, well.... You will understand. Valentines Day 2012. Enough said?

I didn't think it would be hard this year. Most of the emotional hurt from him is completely gone. But given today and what my head and heart are doing.... I don't know if I'm strong enough for tomorrow. On top of work being busy and stressful. On top of my allergies slamming in full force.

This isn't the prayer post yet, but if you want to put your next 24 hours of prayer to a good cause, I'm happy to accept them. Just to get though tomorrow. And then it will all be fine.

In the immortal words of Peter Pan, "just think happy thoughts."

Day 10: Alma 34:17-27

My first thought of what to use as my prayer prompt was a website I came across: Sacred Spaces. At a glance, it is a website that provides users with the experience I've created for myself - daily scripture prompts, finding how to make prayer meaningful in your life, developing a true connection with God... brilliant idea, and I hope many people benefit from it! I  may have to give a test run, just for fun. As I thought more on it, though, I really wanted to go very doctrinal today. 

I included verse 17 because it shows steps to follow. I'm kind of big on the whole organization, steps, order etc thing. We have obtain faith by experimenting on the word of God (see Alma 32), then grow that faith. In verse 17, we reach a point where our faith is unto repentance, which requires we call on God to communicate with Him about our repentant status. He is merciful and "mighty to save." Again, we are reminded of the how prayer and humility go hand in hand. Hmmmmmm there's some interesting thoughts to be had there. 

Prayer - humility.... which comes first? Chicken and the egg? Humble people pray. But prideful people also pray. And in prostrating themselves before God, either literally, figuratively, or both, they enact humility and attain more humility than when they began. Does it follow, then that we are able to retain a better sense of humility when we are consistently praying? I think that makes sense... constantly being in communication with such a powerful, supreme Being and acknowledging His hand naturally makes us more humble. On the flip side, does not praying indicate we are more prideful? I'm not sure.... at best it indicates we are forgetful. And I suppose that can be a type of pride, if we consider our state so well-off to not consider the hand God has had in making it easy for us. Once the trials hit, we tend to come to our knees much more often. 

Alma talks through the next several verses about where to pray and what topics are appropriate. Basically, everything is free game. Our world is slightly different from Alma's so I would revise my statement to read that everything that is virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, is free game for prayer. Our jobs, our relationships with co-workers, family, and friends, our spiritual freedom from Satan, the welfare of our enemies and the ability to withstand temptations.... all things that we should pray for daily, no matter where we may be. I had to go to the bathroom twice today to keep my head properly attached to my shoulders at work, and as soon as I had closed the door I began to pray. I suppose I didn't need to seek a secluded space, but I do better when I can shut things out and focus. And in this case I needed an escape from the situation as well, before I could face it calmly, with dignity, grace, and kindness. For what it's worth, I think it worked. 

I like how the Spirit works.. I definitely did not intend to write a long post tonight. In fact, I was feeling a little obligatory towards this tonight, but look where it has led me! That whole prayer-humility thing was completely spur of the moment, and it was a great insight to me about myself and prayer, and perhaps reasons why its easy to stay out of the habit once you stop being consistent in prayers. Ditto for scripture study too, I think. Ok, well I really must be getting to bed tonight. If you want to exercise some prayers, I'll take them in my direction. These allergies - I know, who gets allergies when it's barely above freezing oustide?? and yet they're here - are not so fun and make me feel not exactly 100%. When they muddle my brain, I know I'm in real trouble. So here's praying that I don't get much worse and get beyond them soon! 

Oh, I should follow up on Day 9's goal to wake up early for a prayer. ..... Let's just say, good intentions do not a goal fulfill. I have no illusions about that happening tomorrow. Let's extend the time frame to this week. And if anyone out there is reading this and doing something cool with your prayers, I'd love to hear your experiences too. If not, just enjoy and find a minute to pray. Prayer can change your life. 

Day 5: JSH 1:29

Joseph Smith offers one of the most comprehensive scripture passages in prayer and answers. Connecting with my thoughts yesterday of praying with faith, this passage brings up another very relevant point: at what point do we know we have fully repented of our sins and how does prayer help us gain that understanding? Like Joseph, I feel like my failing and sins are not of great severity, but rather an amassing of foibles and omissions, many minor things added up. I'm not sure I could set out in prayer with such firm, unwavering conviction that God would answer and report on my standing before Him. Prayer is part of true repentance, and I'm not sure one night is sufficient for that. At what point can we say, like Joseph, that we have full confidence? What is it like to pray with full confidence? How do we get to that point? My only clue is the sudden music lyric popping up in my head from Primary: Speak. He is there.

Tonight has more questions than answers, it seems. I think that is appropriate, because they are answers we must seek individually. I'd love to hear our thoughts on this topic. As for me, I need to pray and see what answers I get tonight!

PS. In the midst of evaluating the state of my soul, I had dinner with my dear dear friend. We grabbed some delicious Chinese food at Shoots. The following picture is what my cookie had to tell me. And no, I really don't think it was coincidence.

It has started!!!! (more gratitude)

My new life is finally taking a tangible step forward!! It has started!!! I accepted a full-time job offer today with Cornerstone Home Lending and I'm so thankful to be ending this year employed once again. (It really is time to address my sleep schedule now.) Throughout the past five months of searching for jobs, and searching for myself a bit too, I have always held to the belief that the right job would work out in the right place and the right time. Assistant loan processor is probably not the job I was chasing after in my dream-life scenario, but things work out for reasons. And it feels like the right move. Speaking of moves, I'm also planning to take my country, wide-open-spaces self into the heart of Salt Lake City and try out the downtown scene! I've never considered myself a city girl, but thankfully SLC is one of the smallest big cities you could run across, and it has grown on me a lot in the past few months. 

It's been quite the journey this second half of the year. Quite the journey. I'm so thankful for family that took me in and kept me housed and fed and feeling loved, no matter what. I'm thankful for friends who poured out their support in June, and who have continued to support me through my arduous job search. I really do have a TON of friends!!! I'm thankful for Amber, who helped me in the most difficult moments and is now a great friend for doing crazy/fun stuff! I'm thankful for Jenelle, who was basically a therapist to me through a lot of everything. I'm glad she got married so I could meet Dan, a great friend who helped me come to love SLC and believe in myself again. I'm thankful for my adopted ward in Farmington, who took me in even though I'm an outsider. I have made some great friends in that ward, including Annika, who referred me to this job! I haven't feel so accepted and loved in a ward in a quite a while. I'm thankful for dance - the opportunity to maintain at least one part of myself through thick and thin, stay connected with my friends, and perform. I'm thankful for oodles of down time that allowed me to doodle around and start developing a talent that I hope to one day market. Not to mention all the time I had to work on my cross-stitch project. I'm also extremely thankful for the time I've had to go to the temple regularly and feel peace. To build deeper relationships with family members. To better understand how family always loves you and wants to help you... that was a lesson I learned from so many of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. 

And finally, I am thankful that I can go home for Christmas this year. It just wouldn't be Christmas without my mom and dad and a handful of brothers, all of us doing our holiday traditions in Missouri.  

The desire to feel and know

I feel compelled to write. To fill a page with words that mean something. I feel... something. I feel like life is always darkest before the dawn. I remember a camp out way back when I was in Young Women's. Aside from the fact that I had somewhat slid into the fire pit by the morning, I distinctly remember waking up in time to see the rising sun change the shades of the sky. Ever brighter, ever more beautiful. From the comfort of my slightly singed sleeping bag, the world became bright. 

I feel so much right now. Not sure why. But I feel it. Something. 

I haven't written all that much on my blog this year. Writing is an outlet for me. Sometimes I like to re-read what I've written to see where I was at in the past, where I am now, and what has filled the gaps between those times. I suppose parts of this year have left me disappointed, to say the least. The first half of the year I was basically fighting myself, fighting reality. And then reality delivered its blow, for which I am so thankful! It knocked some sense back into me, which I desperately needed. But so much struggle, plus a wake up call of that magnitude... it changes you. It does break you for a while. And if you don't look carefully, you might go on thinking that you are still broken and not mending. I have spent the second half of the year mending. Growing. Rebuilding. It hasn't been easy most of the time, but there have been sweet moments all throughout it, if only I pause to reflect on them. It has been hard. It has been emotional. 

I realized something this week. I know, it's only Monday... how could I have already realized something?? It happened yesterday. The circumstances weren't exactly pleasant. But in my attempt to cling to hope, faith... anything that would keep me feet properly on the ground, my heart properly in my body, and my head properly attached, my internal voice shouted at me. 

It's always darkest before the dawn. It's always darkest before the dawn. It's always darkest before the dawn.

And I realized in that moment that everything was all right. There is an end. And I think it is actually in sight, too. A fresh start. A new beginning. The dawning of a new day of possibilities for a girl who has also grown and changed through the night. This year has been one that I hope fades rapidly in my memory... at leas the hard parts. The lessons I've learned will stay with me a long time. The new friends I have met, the old friends who so quickly gave their love and support - they too will stay with me for a long time. 

I have grown. I have become stronger. This I also realize last night. I am more prepared to stand on my own feet. To pick up the reins and start directing my life again. To face the fierce future without needing someone by me to hold me up. I still want everyone by me, but I can stand on my own power. Which wasn't true for much of the past while. And there may still be days... Well, you understand. I am strong. I can do it. And I think I am finally really ready to do it, after all this time. 

This went somewhere completely different than I expected when I wrote the title and got started. Oh well. Here's a song that I feel fits the post and maybe that will help it all make sense. 

Another Monday

It's another Monday. Once again, I'm sitting here at my computer, looking for jobs. Applying for jobs. Doing miscellaneous work related to jobs and job searching. I may or may not be watching "The Office." I have emails to send to prospective openings, calls to wait for from past interviews, and an arguably promising offer to be a substitute teacher at a near (ish) school district. I think of ways I can be an interesting teacher, a dedicated worker in whatever role I take on... yet it is essentially all in my head. 

What am I supposed to be? Where am I supposed to be? Am I becoming what and who I need to be as I go through this seemingly endless period of ... waiting? 

I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned about finding satisfaction with who I am, regardless of outside impulses. It certainly does help that I'm dancing again and have that outlet, but I'm not sure it necessarily makes me happy. I've gotten to the point where rehearsal isn't nearly as thrilling as performing. But in other things I wonder a lot. Satisfied and happy aren't exactly the same thing. I want real happiness. I want to believe that I can have what I've dreamed of, and things I haven't dreamed of too. I want to believe that I will be gainfully employed. I want to believe that the Lord wants me to be as happy as possible. Well, I know that He does. But I want to believe that His way will align with my dreams in some part as well. 

I know one day I will be blessed with what I desire so much. It's a promise. It's a responsibility I have - to share the gospel with my family, especially my children. I am that I might have joy. Satisfaction is fine, but joy is another realm entirely. So I will press on, ever on. Joy surpasses all. Joy can be elusive. When it happens, it is amazing. I believe it is when your body, soul, and the universe all strike that same chord and resonate. Here's how I described that in my personal tour recap, July 24, 2011. 

"I'm so happy we closed with the double shows on Friday! I haven't felt that way dancing for a while... They talk about how music needs a vibrator for sound to resonate through - the feeling/reverberation I felt at moments during those two shows was magical and incredible." 

I believe that feeling is a special kind of joy, saved for special moments. I look forward to feeling it again, especially as my life unravels itself to reveal which path I will be on next. If anyone has a spare prayer, though, feel free to cast it my way for a job.  

 

Think happy thoughts

I've been thinking a lot lately. The house is relatively quiet without my mom here to keep me busy with errands and cooking projects... and sure, I can do those on my own, but then I'll eat all that yummy goodness! And we don't need groceries, which takes out the need to shop.  Anyways, the free time flows slowly, I guess.  I've been seeing pictures of friends weddings and engagements... 'tis the season, to be sure! I've been thinking a lot about moving back to Utah and trying to find a job. Trying not to think about getting into the dating world. Sadly, I know I can't avoid it either - that solves no problems. Thinking about why I stayed  in that relationship for so long. Wondering if I should share that with people. Thinking about other trials I've worked through in the past six months. Wondering if I should share that with people. Thinking about how I miss academia and have lost some self-direction since not being a student anymore. Thinking about how I'm really missing Clog America right now, too. 

Admiring the intellectuality of friends I have who make excellent, insightful connections that make me feel smart just for reading what they've said. Admiring the spirituality and depth of friends who always lift me up personally and live their lives in Christlike ways.  Looking forward to living with friends who relish every opportunity in life: creating, sharing, loving, existing with so much joy and clarity. Wondering what I offer... am I helping others by how I live my life? I won't say I'm not.... but I might could do better. Sometimes I get filled with ideas, like creating a blog to document my impending dating discoveries, or creating another blog to share intellectual tidbits about art, humanities, philosophy, etc. 

Or, what about really getting that dance company set up? Once a week mandatory rehearsal for group numbers, forum to connect and develop solos/duets/small group pieces, any dance style accepted. Provo/Orem is a land of dance studios. Wouldn't it be easy to reserve rehearsal space somewhere? At a reasonable price so that members can participate with low monetary and time requirements? I guess it gets tricky finding performance venues, but a little ingenuity would solve that problem too. And money. Hmm. 

And I think of patterns. Circularity. Pitfalls. And I think I ought to say something about it to people, like here. But then I think, hey, I'm probably a little negative already, perhaps too personal already, and what will be accomplished by sharing? I haven't decided. It makes me think of spirals. The spiral is an ancient symbol. It suggests eternity, though I often find it relates well to my conception of life as I strive to draw closer to Christ. A finite spiral does have end points. You start at one and progress in circles to the other end. Life is so very circular!! It has to be. We gain knowledge, we act on that knowledge, and a consequence follows. Good consequences encourage us to repeat the acts that caused them, and sad consequences move us to repeat the process and use different actions or different knowledge. Ideally, our circular journey moves us upward and closer to our destination: living like Christ did. And ultimately, living with Him. 

Check out the spirals 

Budhha's got it going on

Ancient Celts had it figured out in the B.C's 

Nautilus by Edward Weston.
Spirals in nature: proof that's not man-made

Well, I suppose it's time to get to the real reason for the post. I saw a link to this great article on a friend's Facebook wall, and I thought it would be an excellent share! 

12 Happy Thoughts for Troubled Times By Marc

People and circumstances will occasionally break you down.  But if you keep your mind focused, your heart open to possibility, and continue to put one foot in front of the other, you will be able to quickly recover the pieces, rebuild, and come back much stronger than you ever would have been otherwise.

Here are a few happy thoughts to ponder on those days when the whole world seems like it’s crashing down around you.

1. Down days are completely normal, and not something you should feel guilty about having.  Happiness is never constant.  Surrendering to your sadness, or whatever negative emotion is trying to come to the surface, does not make you a bad person.  But remember, if you aren’t sincerely thankful for every smile, don’t be totally shocked by every tear.  Keep things in perspective.  Read Happiness Is a Serious Problem.
2. When you are at your lowest point, you are open to the greatest positive change.  Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the strength to deal with them.  Strength doesn’t come from what you can do; it comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t do.
3. There is a huge difference between giving up and moving on.  Moving on doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there aresome things that cannot be.  Moving on can mean that you’re making achoice to be happy rather than hurt.  For some folks, good situations last a lifetime, but for many, not knowing when to move on can hold them back forever.
4. Life rarely turns out exactly the way you want it to, but you still have an opportunity to make it great.  You have to do what you can, with what you have, exactly where you are.  It won’t always be easy, but it will be worth it in the end.  Remember that there is no perfect life, just perfect moments.  And it’s these moments you must cherish; it’s these moments that make the whole journey worthwhile.
5. Most people ask for happiness on condition, but long-term happiness can only be felt if you don’t set conditions.  Accept life unconditionally. Realize that life balances itself between the ideal and the disappointing.  And the disappointments are just life’s way of saying, “I’ve got something better for you right around the corner.”  So be patient, live life, accept what is, and have a little faith.
6. Too often, we carry around things from our past that hurt us – regrets, shame, anger, pain, etc.  Don’t let these negative points from the past rob your present happiness.  You had to live though these things in the past, and although unfortunate, they can’t be changed.  But if the only place they live today is in your mind, then let go, move on, and be happy. Read Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life.
7. You can choose to view things differently.  Pick one part of your life that you are unhappy with and look at it from a different point of view.  See the rain as nourishment for future growth.  Consider being alone for awhile to create the solitude you need to hear your inner voice.  Think of your lack of funds as an opportunity to experience the simple things in life.  Right now, you can choose to allow the light to shine in your life.  It is a choice.  Why not allow it?
8. Once you embrace unpleasant news, not as a negative but as evidence of a need for positive change, you’re learning from it and growing.  Whatever life throws at you, even if it hurts, be strong and fight through it.  Remember, strong walls shake but never collapse.  Life always offers you another chance – it’s called tomorrow.
9. When your flaws are stitched together with good intentions, your flaws make you beautiful.  It’s better to be true to yourself and risk being ridiculed by others, than to be false, and miss out on the beauty of being YOU.  Never be bullied into silence.  Never let someone else tell you who you are.  Accept no one’s definition of your life, except your own.
10. You have the ability to heal yourself.  Just like lava flowing slowly out of a volcano, you must create a healthy outlet for your pain and anger.  It’s important after you’ve been hurt to take some time to think about your pain, and address it calmly and consciously, so you can thwart the possibility of more pain brewing from your own negativity.
11. There’s a lot of life left to be lived.  The real tragedy in life is not death, but the passion we let die inside of us while we still live.  Remember, troubles from the past cannot define you, destroy you, or defeat you all by themselves.  As long as you keep pushing forward, they can only strengthen you.  Read You Can Heal Your Life.
12. You are a work in progress; which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.  Today is a brand new day – a fresh start.  Replace negativity with positivity.  Think happy thoughts.  Exercise.  Drink lots of water.  Fill your body with fuel.  Healthy is happy.  Inspire yourself.  Create.  Laugh.  Play.  Love.  Learn.  Give someone a compliment.  Perform a random act of kindness.  Take a chance on an idea you believe in.  You have the opportunity to do these things every single day – to make the necessary changes and slowly become the person you want to be.  You just have to decide to do it.  Decide that today is the day.  Say it: “This is going to be my day!”