Busy times

Life is super busy right now! 

We didn't really send these out, since invites are coming super soon.

I'm so excited to be marrying my best friend. Sometimes it's a little crazy to think how quickly and smoothly everything has happened, but when the timing is right, things just work. I love Dave and can't wait to be with him again - for now through eternity!

Dave's Baptism

I had the best long weekend last week!! I went to Washington D.C. to see my amazing boyfriend, Dave, get baptized. He is such a wonderful man. We met earlier this year, before he had really begun investigating, and even then I was impressed by his moral character, integrity, and especially his kindness and generosity. I feel incredibly blessed to be dating such a great guy, and doubly blessed that his investigation of the church led to a conversion within him. It's a great story, but for now here are some pictures of the day. 

Colin, our mutual friend who introduced us, baptized Dave. 

Linda, Dave's mom, came up from Florida to support him. 

Not pictured are my parents, Elder and Sister Gillespie from the D.C. Temple Visitor's Center, and all the ward family that came out to support Dave on this special day!

Thoughts on Happiness + Getting personal

This post may get a bit personal. But I don't know that anyone reads my updates too much these days, so I'm just going with it. 


It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life's story will develop.

―Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Despite how difficult circumstances may look at the moment, those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out.

―Gordon B. Hinckley

 In life as in the dance, grace glides on blistered feet.. 

— Alice Abrams

I've been thinking a lot lately about happiness. What it takes to bring true, enduring happiness. For me, I'm beginning to realize that happiness and faith are closely linked... especially on the big things. Obviously, a donut always makes me happy. Dancing makes me happy. But intangibles that bring happiness - successful career, love, friendship, marriage, acceptance, etc. - really require faith that happiness is possible even in their absence. 

No one would ever confuse me for a bubbly, happy optimist. I am generally a happy person, but I've got enough of a serious side and realistic side that I'm just never going to be pegged that way. I'm a person that feels deeply. When I chose to care and invest myself in something, I don't do it halfway. I've known this about myself for some time. It's arguably as much of a weakness as it is a strength. 

So here arises the conundrum. How do you make a gentle transition into committing to someone without over committing? History says that I am no good at this. I've been realizing lately though, that it's a matter of focus and a question of what I'm committing to. I have to commit to things I know and trust. 

I know that I am a catch. 

I know that I've been promised that I will get married. And I know it's coming. That means that I'll have to meet a young man who wants to date and court me first. I know that will happen, too. 

I have an amazing job.

I have been blessed with numerous talents.

I have more friends than I think I do.

I have a fabulous family and extended family. 

And I trust that:

If I commit to the Lord, then I can commit 100% like I always do. And He can take care of the rest. 

And He will. 

Peaks and Valleys

I was reading yesterday about a man who complained that life always seemed to be on an up and down rollercoaster... never smoothing out into a nice balance. He happened to be complaining to a nurse, who observed that if you're in the hospital, the peaks and valleys on the heart monitor indicate you're alive! No one wants to get a flat line there. 

It's true. Life is a continual series of peaks and valleys, reminding us that we are alive, living, learning, and growing. Monday was a day like no other for peaks and valleys. There's a few things in limbo for me right now, which is a phase of living that I really don't care for and really don't thrive in. I dislike limbo. Nor am I particularly patient in limbo. Clearly, there's some learning and growing for me to go through right now. 

So limbo. I've been in limbo for a bit. A valley to be sure. About when I entered limbo, though, my new roommate moved in! She is awesome. All three of us are getting along well, and I think she's a great catalyst to bring us together. Fun, outgoing, supportive... definitely a peak. 

Work - another peak in my life. I love my job! It's rewarding and fulfilling, and I am good at what I do. I got some exciting news on Monday about upcoming events, which was definitely a big peak! I'll be sure to elaborate more on that when I get the full details :) . 

Peak: I went ice skating at the Olympic Oval last night and had a great time with the ward! I met some new people I hadn't talked to much in the past. Guys and girls. I also realized that I'm a decent (not great, but definitely not bad) skater, and that I really do have strong legs that don't tire easily. We won't mention the knees.....

Peak: I've been doing SO GOOD on my goals of scripture reading and prayer so far this year. Some days it's a little harder to feel the peace, comfort, and tranquility that these usually bring, but I know it's there somewhere. I feel like my relationship with the Lord is improving. That's very important to me. 

Peak: This one might be a questionable peak, but I hit and surpassed my weight goals for the holidays. I wanted to drop a few pounds (literally, like 2) by getting a bit more in shape. Over the two months of Zero Weigh In challenge, I actually lost a bit more than 5 lbs! I had fasted the day before the weigh in, so I think that might have dropped me a few more, but a solid 5 is very nice. My next goal is to work on muscle tone and cardio endurance. 

Peak: I have friends and family who love me and care about me. 

Peak: I am involved in a fantastic dance company that supports me individually and really cares about me as a person. We are also pretty dang good dancers, which doesn't hurt.

Peak: I finally went grocery shopping! I need to go again and get some menu ideas going on, but I am somewhat better stocked and finally have breakfast foods again. Yum!

Peak: I moved to the master room in our house and have a sweet bathtub in my bathroom. I love it. And I have a bay window. And hopefully I will find a few of my monkey hooks so I can hang a picture or two. 

Peak: I have good books on my Kindle! Admittedly, I'm currently reading an old one simply because I know it will be a good brain escape (it's very hard to find things that will occupy my brain so I can stop over-thinking), but I'm excited to start my new gift "And the Mountains Echoed" and a recommendation from my sister in law. Can't remember the name, but I did buy it!

Valley: Limbo. Always has been and always will be hard for me. Gone through some various stages of sadness on this one. I'm not sure where I stand at this point. All I know is who I want to be and how I want to live my life. 

Valley: Delynne Peay, one of my dearest dance professors in college, passed away last night. She had a major role in the course of my life through college, and even beyond. She was passionate about dance, culture, and the great good that comes through these facets. I danced on her team for two years, and remained close to her even after I finished my time with folk dance officially. She was vivacious, compassionate, and always pushed us to be our best. The Lord calls us to different missions at different times - she made a profound difference in my life and helped me discover a passion I didn't know I had. She believed in me and my skills. It has been so impressive to see the response from all the dancers whose lives she touched. I'm thankful to be part of her folk dance family and pray that her immediate family feels the peace and comfort they desire at this time. 

Reminders

Several years ago, this talk came out in the Ensign: Continue in Patience . I'm pretty sure it was written just for me, especially at the time it came out. I think one of the biggest struggles I've encountered as an "older" single woman in the LDS culture is figuring out what to do with myself in these circumstances. I fully believe there is a segment of LDS women my age (+ 5 years/-3 years) who sort of slipped through the cracks. When we were in the Young Women's program, the culture was still marriage at a young age. I don't think anyone anticipated that times were changing and that fewer of us would achieve that "ideal." I often look back and it's so easy to see how unprepared I was for facing an alternate future. 

Figuring out what it means to be single in a culture that still promotes young marriage ages has been a rewarding challenge. I've had so many remarkable experiences that I likely would never have had if I'd gotten married younger. I don't regret the path my life has take, not one bit. 

That said, patience has never been my strongest suit. And learning what it means to be actively patient - aka, not just lolling around waiting for life to happen - was a huge lesson I had to learn. I remember when I read this talk, it finally started to make sense. I began to understand what I needed to do. 

I needed this talk today. Even now, patience is hard for me. This talk is priceless. Don't give up on yourself. Don't forget that the Lord is patient with you. 

To paraphrase the Psalmist of old, if we wait patiently for the Lord, He will incline unto us. He will hear our cries. He will bring us out of a horrible pit and set our feet upon a solid rock. He will put a new song in our mouths, and we will praise our God. Many around us will see it, and they will trust in the Lord. ¹⁴

I know this promise is true. The Lord has taken me out of horrible pits in the past and lifted me to solid places. It continues to take faith and patience as wonderful new experiences appear on the horizon. Even great blessings and opportunities push us out of our comfort zones. So thankful I found this talk today :) 

In Memorium... the victims of Sandy Hook Elementary

December 14, 2012 ...

Like most tragic and shocking events, the news of this elementary school shooting came by word of mouth. I was at work, thinking more of my performance that evening than anything else. I suppose we never really feel the full impact of these events unless we are personally tied to them. So many people experienced a tragedy that day that I can't even begin to comprehend. Despite being far from the events and the deep emotions of that day, I was profoundly touched that evening by what I consider to be the greatest tribute I've heard.  

That Friday evening, the official opening of the Mormon Tabernacle Christmas Concert 2012, Lloyd Newell began the evening with remarks on the tragic events of the day. We dancers were in our places in the aisles as the entire Conference Center bowed head and paused in a moment of silence for the victims and families. It was a somber beginning to the evening performance, though it didn't darken the mood. 

The day's events jumped poignantly to the forefront of the show, however, when Alfie Boe sang "Bring Him Home." I had heard the song several times before, between dress rehearsals and other shows. This time was different. In the musical Les Miserables, the song is often titled "The Prayer." When Alfie sang on Friday, December 14, 2012, it truly felt like a prayer for the beautiful children and teachers who had lost their lives. 

May our God always bring us home to Him. 

A year ago

I was watching my life fall to pieces 

I was saying all the wrong things, knowing I wasn't supposed to beg

I was wondering why crying didn't come faster 

I was wondering how to escape the emotions, willing my mind to far away places

I was at my brother's home, never to return and sleep on my bed in my Bountiful apt

I was calling my mom and telling her its over

I was calling work and claiming illness

I was on an air mattress, lying awake for hours because sleep was harder

I was broken in every possible way

Today, I am happy

I am watching my life continue to unfold in exciting ways

I am closer to my family

I am more humble and willing to accept guidance from my family

I am healthier 

I am closer to my Heavenly Father

I am making new friends

I am living old dreams that still light up my life 

I am stronger and more confident in what I deserve

I am settled in a new home

I am (90%) out of boxes 

I am single and learning again the joys that can bring

I am more loving and forgiving 

Happy anniversary to me and the beginning of the life God had ready for me. It's not been an easy first year, but the blessings have far outweighed the pains. I hope I can continue to live in a way that brings continued blessings, happiness, and perhaps even a desired miracle or two. 

The desire to feel and know

I feel compelled to write. To fill a page with words that mean something. I feel... something. I feel like life is always darkest before the dawn. I remember a camp out way back when I was in Young Women's. Aside from the fact that I had somewhat slid into the fire pit by the morning, I distinctly remember waking up in time to see the rising sun change the shades of the sky. Ever brighter, ever more beautiful. From the comfort of my slightly singed sleeping bag, the world became bright. 

I feel so much right now. Not sure why. But I feel it. Something. 

I haven't written all that much on my blog this year. Writing is an outlet for me. Sometimes I like to re-read what I've written to see where I was at in the past, where I am now, and what has filled the gaps between those times. I suppose parts of this year have left me disappointed, to say the least. The first half of the year I was basically fighting myself, fighting reality. And then reality delivered its blow, for which I am so thankful! It knocked some sense back into me, which I desperately needed. But so much struggle, plus a wake up call of that magnitude... it changes you. It does break you for a while. And if you don't look carefully, you might go on thinking that you are still broken and not mending. I have spent the second half of the year mending. Growing. Rebuilding. It hasn't been easy most of the time, but there have been sweet moments all throughout it, if only I pause to reflect on them. It has been hard. It has been emotional. 

I realized something this week. I know, it's only Monday... how could I have already realized something?? It happened yesterday. The circumstances weren't exactly pleasant. But in my attempt to cling to hope, faith... anything that would keep me feet properly on the ground, my heart properly in my body, and my head properly attached, my internal voice shouted at me. 

It's always darkest before the dawn. It's always darkest before the dawn. It's always darkest before the dawn.

And I realized in that moment that everything was all right. There is an end. And I think it is actually in sight, too. A fresh start. A new beginning. The dawning of a new day of possibilities for a girl who has also grown and changed through the night. This year has been one that I hope fades rapidly in my memory... at leas the hard parts. The lessons I've learned will stay with me a long time. The new friends I have met, the old friends who so quickly gave their love and support - they too will stay with me for a long time. 

I have grown. I have become stronger. This I also realize last night. I am more prepared to stand on my own feet. To pick up the reins and start directing my life again. To face the fierce future without needing someone by me to hold me up. I still want everyone by me, but I can stand on my own power. Which wasn't true for much of the past while. And there may still be days... Well, you understand. I am strong. I can do it. And I think I am finally really ready to do it, after all this time. 

This went somewhere completely different than I expected when I wrote the title and got started. Oh well. Here's a song that I feel fits the post and maybe that will help it all make sense. 

When you doubt:

"Never let anyone take away your dreams. Every challenge you face will only help you achieve your dream, even if it breaks your heart at the time. The Lord loves you, and in His time He will give you every good gift. I love you, always and forever. Never forget that you are loved." 

Sabbath Morning

There was a time when I was much more vigilant about reading conference talks on a consistent basis. My new ward doesn't meet until 1pm, and since I can't sleep in much later than 8:30 these days, that left me a lot of time to think this morning. And read. I should have spent more time reading, I imagine, but..... oh well. I did manage to make my way over to LDS.org for some inspiration. The new conference issue is available! A quick scan of talk titles quickly revealed which one I needed to read: You Matter to Him, by President Uchtdorf. The weeks and months since early August have been a long string of uncertainty, change, and newness. I like change. I thrive in that environment, even. But the big life changes often carry significant stress and anxiety. I've woken up many a time at 4 or 5 am, fully awake and filled with a sense of... expectancy? Uncertainty? Anxiety, most likely. Not having a home. Not having a job. Moving to a new home. Interviewing for jobs. Not getting jobs. Getting a job! Starting a job by diving headfirst with minimal preparation.... Dating. Not dating. Finding my way in new social settings. Making new friends. Missing old friends. I am generally emotionally-stable and can handle a large amount of stress without many negative effects. But it definitely has been building up. So, with my internal reserves wearing thin this week, I found these final words particularly encouraging and applicable. 

"...please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be. You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever. We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him.²¹Have hope and faith in that promise. Learn to love your Heavenly Father and become His disciple in word and in deed.

Be assured that if you but hold on, believe in Him, and remain faithful in keeping the commandments, one day you will experience for yourselves the promises revealed to the Apostle Paul: “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.”²²

Brothers and sisters, the most powerful Being in the universe is the Father of your spirit. He knows you. He loves you with a perfect love.

God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him." 

What a blessing, to know you matter to God. If He cares for me, the other things don't matter quite as much. He'll take care of me. He has in the past. I have been richly blessed in so many ways, and if I can just keep my perspective and be firm in my commitments and covenants, I know I will be blessed continually. 

Infamous Pamplona

Approx. 8 pm, Sunday July 10th. Thus begins the 13 hr saga of Pamplona and the Running of the Bulls.

Approx. 9:15 pm. 12 hours left in Pamplona. 

Approx. 9:50 pm. This is our reaction to the news that we still have 11 hours until the bus comes back. 

About 10:15 pm. Looking at food is always a good distraction. 

About 11 pm. Fireworks show begins. 

About 11:30 pm. Fireworks show wraps up. Very impressive finale!

Shortly after midnight, now July 11th (Monday). 

12:15 am. Much partying and dancing in the plaza. 

About 12:20 am. Feeling not so bad about Pamplona! It got more enjoyable as we walked along the running route and saw these people dancing in the square. After all, we are in Pamplona at the Running of the Bulls! The whole night couldn't be a complete loss/countdown.

12:30 am. At the bull pens. This is one of the bulls that runs daily. 

12:35 am. About to head down to the carnival across the river/down the hill. 

About 4:15 am. Tuckered out homeless Americans sleeping on cardboard (the lucky ones) and nasty sidewalk. And "sleeping" is a relative term. 

About 6:45 am. The arena opens and people start filling in. It's still cold. 

About 7:45 am. The run is minutes away from beginning and the crowds are packed! We are just happy the sun is up and the main event is about to begin. And then my camera dies. It's okay; words and pictures can't describe the joy we felt at seeing our bus pull in at 9:30/10:00 am!