The mighty 400

This is my 400th post! I was going to put a cool picture on here to celebrate that, but most of them were of motorcycles and schmancy cars. And I'm a little bit off-put by motorcycles still, thanks to the X, and fancy cars remind me of someone I'm currently working to forget. So.... no pictures on this one. 

I did want to say a little something about how thankful I am for faith and hope. It still isn't easy, and hasn't been easy, to feel the familiar sting of a mis-timed or mis-matched relationship. It's because it's familiar that makes it hurt more. Re-opening the old wound, scratching at the scar... well, you get the image. I've been striving very much to move forward, and to do so with faith and hope. The gray days of February make it hard sometimes. I'll openly admit that I get a little SAD (seasonal affective disorder) during the winter. And when sad things happen during the cold, drab, dreary winter months, the challenges honestly do seem to be amplified. I was extremely thankful to see the sun pop out from behind the clouds today as I drove in to work. My mood immediately lifted. 

Faith. Hope. Faith that the Lord has a plan for my life. Faith that it is a better plan than mine. Hope that He's working things out for my good right now, not just making me wait for the sake of waiting. Hope that it's true - when the right one comes, it will be easy and natural and it won't have hiccups and it won't get derailed. Faith has to come first. Then hope. I think what it comes down to is I always have faith in these things. I know the Lord directs my paths. But hope: that is when I feel happy and positive about this knowledge. Faith seems to be the last shred of reason and sensibility that I cling to when I'm at my lowest and saddest. Hope seems to be the positivity and forward-looking that peeks through the darkness and motivates me to push through. 

One of the girls I visit teach recently got engaged. She's beautiful, smart, talented, down to earth... and she'll be 30 this year. I felt a little selfish as we visited yesterday, because it's my stewardship to aid her, not the other way around. However, as I asked about her engagement and the fun details of her life right now, I found myself asking and hearing from her the story of faith and trust that brought her to this young man. It wasn't anything spectacular or even very different. She wasn't trying to do one thing or another to secure a man, but was simply living her life and pursuing her dreams. One thing she said stood out to me above the rest.

He wasn't the kind of guy she expected or thought she'd end up with. But, he is everything that she needs. In ways that she didn't even realize at first. 

I know it's coming. Something's coming, something good, if I can wait..... I am continually buoyed up by my family. My friends. My deepening relationship with Heavenly Father. My interactions with the scriptures and talks. I'm thankful I have hard times to wear off some of my rough edges. 

Growing pains

January has brought along some interesting experiences and tons of opportunity for personal growth! I could probably count on one (maybe two) hands the number of days I haven't cried, but a lot of that has been from spiritual influences and feeling the Lord so close to me. I've definitely grown much closer to Him these past few weeks. 

At first it was a matter of survival - ain't no way I was going to "endure" the circumstances without some divine help! Well, I say that, but I just knew that I needed the comfort and peace that comes with seeking the Lord. Emotions are gnarly and tricksy and all sorts of trouble, sometimes. Peace calms the negative feelings and allows the positive feelings to shine through, no matter how weak they are. That's why the gospel makes us happy.... it let's the Lord shine His light through us without the pain blocking its power. The pain is often still there. The trials are often still there. But the light still floods through us and makes the difficulties less noticeable and less burdensome. 

Honestly, which day makes you feel happier: an overcast, cold snowy day, or a bright, sunny, cold snowy day? 

Yeah, that's what I though. It doesn't matter if it's cold and snowy, as long as the sun is shining brightly. Some things in my life have changed that bring in the Lord's light, and I couldn't be more thankful for that!

1. I read the scriptures in the morning before I get out of bed. It has absolutely slowed down my morning routine, but I feel less rushed and more at peace. 
2. Because I've read my scriptures, I tend to pray either right when I wake up or at some point before I leave for work. Again, it's not a conventionally "perfect" prayer, but I converse with the Lord. Sometimes it's even just driving in the car. But we talk every day. 
3. I was never good at either of these things. Now they're become habits. 
4. I am a weak person. I doubt and second-guess. I've turned to prayer and scriptures during the day and evenings to counteract my weakness. It's a great restorative for faith. 
5. My friends and family are amazing. I already knew that, but I love getting reminded of it.

Thoughts on Happiness + Getting personal

This post may get a bit personal. But I don't know that anyone reads my updates too much these days, so I'm just going with it. 


It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life's story will develop.

―Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Despite how difficult circumstances may look at the moment, those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out.

―Gordon B. Hinckley

 In life as in the dance, grace glides on blistered feet.. 

— Alice Abrams

I've been thinking a lot lately about happiness. What it takes to bring true, enduring happiness. For me, I'm beginning to realize that happiness and faith are closely linked... especially on the big things. Obviously, a donut always makes me happy. Dancing makes me happy. But intangibles that bring happiness - successful career, love, friendship, marriage, acceptance, etc. - really require faith that happiness is possible even in their absence. 

No one would ever confuse me for a bubbly, happy optimist. I am generally a happy person, but I've got enough of a serious side and realistic side that I'm just never going to be pegged that way. I'm a person that feels deeply. When I chose to care and invest myself in something, I don't do it halfway. I've known this about myself for some time. It's arguably as much of a weakness as it is a strength. 

So here arises the conundrum. How do you make a gentle transition into committing to someone without over committing? History says that I am no good at this. I've been realizing lately though, that it's a matter of focus and a question of what I'm committing to. I have to commit to things I know and trust. 

I know that I am a catch. 

I know that I've been promised that I will get married. And I know it's coming. That means that I'll have to meet a young man who wants to date and court me first. I know that will happen, too. 

I have an amazing job.

I have been blessed with numerous talents.

I have more friends than I think I do.

I have a fabulous family and extended family. 

And I trust that:

If I commit to the Lord, then I can commit 100% like I always do. And He can take care of the rest. 

And He will. 

Day 6: Colossians 4:2

Of all nights to post "early,"  I have to chuckle a bit that it's a Friday night. You know, when most singles are out on dates or at gatherings... not home going to bed early. But the ward activity - which was actually really very fun - got done around 9 so I headed home. There are moments when I definitely love the ward I attend! Tonight was one of those. Back to the matter at hand though.... I'm posting early. What you may not realize is that I read, write things out in my journal, and then write a blog post. My night time routine takes a lot longer that way!! Plus I pray in there.. either after the scripture and before the blog, or after both. Depends. Anyways, I'm dozing off and haven't even written the good stuff....

Prayer is about gratitude!

Some of the most meaningful prayer experiences I've had have been when I spend most, if not all, my words thanking Heavenly Father for my blessings. Its important for several reasons. First, expressing gratitude makes us more cognizant of our blessings and it becomes like a giant snowball getting bigger and bigger.... and the bigger it gets the happier we are! Grateful people are happy people because they see the world in terms of what it has given them already, not in terms of what it continues to hold back. Second, we need to explicitly tell the Lord what things we are grateful for. Who doesn't appreciate being told what a great job they're doing? I imagine the Lord doesn't need our validating words of gratitude, but that's not the point. I believe it brings Him happiness when we say - list/describe/enumerate - the blessings we see Him bestowing in our lives. Third, I'm reminded of the concept that there are very few things we can actually give the Lord. He has put us on this Earth and one of the few things we can honestly give back is our heart and our will. I feel that expressing gratitude helps us access those pathways where we voluntarily place our heart and will at the feet of the Lord. These things are not requisite or proscribed. They are voluntary actions on our part to consciously move us towards God. 

Like all things, it's easy to say we should express gratitude in prayer, yet sometimes challenging to put it into practice. We all need things, even if it is just a good night's rest before the labors of the coming day. Forgiveness, repentance, a future spouse, guidance on how to deal with family challenges, life challenges, world challenges... A lot of things need the Lord's attention. Maybe start by tipping the scale in His favor; if you can't simply say a rousing round of thanks for this, that, and the other, then make the gratitude section the most important part of your prayer, and make your requests briefly at the end of your prayer. I'd ask you to share how it goes but... whoever is reading this doesn't seem to be the commenting type. (Aside from you, mom!) So try it and maybe write in your own journal instead. And have a gratitude-filled weekend!