Thoughts on Happiness + Getting personal

This post may get a bit personal. But I don't know that anyone reads my updates too much these days, so I'm just going with it. 


It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life's story will develop.

―Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Despite how difficult circumstances may look at the moment, those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out.

―Gordon B. Hinckley

 In life as in the dance, grace glides on blistered feet.. 

— Alice Abrams

I've been thinking a lot lately about happiness. What it takes to bring true, enduring happiness. For me, I'm beginning to realize that happiness and faith are closely linked... especially on the big things. Obviously, a donut always makes me happy. Dancing makes me happy. But intangibles that bring happiness - successful career, love, friendship, marriage, acceptance, etc. - really require faith that happiness is possible even in their absence. 

No one would ever confuse me for a bubbly, happy optimist. I am generally a happy person, but I've got enough of a serious side and realistic side that I'm just never going to be pegged that way. I'm a person that feels deeply. When I chose to care and invest myself in something, I don't do it halfway. I've known this about myself for some time. It's arguably as much of a weakness as it is a strength. 

So here arises the conundrum. How do you make a gentle transition into committing to someone without over committing? History says that I am no good at this. I've been realizing lately though, that it's a matter of focus and a question of what I'm committing to. I have to commit to things I know and trust. 

I know that I am a catch. 

I know that I've been promised that I will get married. And I know it's coming. That means that I'll have to meet a young man who wants to date and court me first. I know that will happen, too. 

I have an amazing job.

I have been blessed with numerous talents.

I have more friends than I think I do.

I have a fabulous family and extended family. 

And I trust that:

If I commit to the Lord, then I can commit 100% like I always do. And He can take care of the rest. 

And He will. 

Day 18: Helaman 5:30, 46-47

It's getting personal tonight -- consider yourself sufficiently forewarned. Don't worry, it's pretty good stuff. :)

It shouldn't be this hard to find a place to live. 

It's been a rough night. I've been looking more diligently lately for a place in Salt Lake City. I feel like it's about time that I break out of the comfort zone of the grandparents' basement and push myself... and get a more active social life. I really do love it here, but I know that the clock is winding down. I have been trying to find the right place, the right location... maybe even the perfect place. I know very few people in Salt Lake. I am trying to move forward with faith, despite my fears of not making friends and being lonely. Searching, calling people, coordinating with potential roommates (it was a blow when that completely fell flat, not going to lie), figuring out what I'm looking for and where I'm willing to look. Truly, it shouldn't be this hard. But it is. I got lost driving to the place I checked out tonight. It's a decent place. Small but workable room. Plenty of storage. Semi-shared bathroom. But I didn't love the neighborhood. I didn't feel much connection to the one roommate I met. I didn't like the location. There's not much yard, there's no park nearby, and it's not really near much in the immediate surroundings. And I got lost driving there. 

So, my mind was kind of a jumble tonight. I've been trying to understand how the Spirit speaks to me. I think that's something I've been learning better during this walk with Christ. As the tears were overwhelming me, I knew I had to get help and I needed the scriptures. I've just been going through the Book of Mormon chapter by chapter, and I haven't been keeping up on it as well since starting this project. But wouldn't you know, I opened to my bookmark in Helaman 5 and started skimming through the chapter. I needed something, and fast. And there it was in verse 30. And 46-47. Three verse telling me how the Spirit talks and what I should feel when the answer is positive. He is quiet. Pleasant. Peaceful. And that is how I will feel when the answer is right: quiet, pleasant,  peaceful. 

I didn't feel peaceful while contemplating the possibility of moving to this place. My mom could tell when I mentioned in a way that implied my doubts. My brother wisely asked if I felt at home at any of the places I've looked at. No. I haven't. That's pretty straight forward of an answer. I suppose there is some reason for me waiting. I thought I would have been moved out back in September! Or October. I do trust that there's a reason. I understand a little bit why I needed to be here during autumn. I had some great experiences and learned a lot. I truly hope I can figure out where I need to be next. I feel peaceful about continuing to look. If any of you unknown readers out there have suggestions about the Salt Lake scene or anything .... this is a good day to share :)

Doctor who?

For whatever reason, I've been thinking lately of going back to school. I know, am I insane? Probably! I have always enjoyed learning and school. Despite the associated stress, I quite enjoyed doing the research for those lengthy papers I wrote. I remember trying to squeeze oodles of information into my brain my first semester while still working full time. It was a challenge, but I loved it! 

I've come to realize something about myself lately... I don't generally settle for just okay. I like to move forward and upward. I think that's why I have always danced: there has always been something more to learn. Maybe that also explains why I haven't settled on a firm career path yet either. I know I can do many things well enough to get a foot in the door, and I know that once I'm in I will work to move up and improve. 

That said, I've been looking at doctoral programs. Mostly (only) at the University of Utah. Partly, that is because I have researched in the past and know some of what is available in other branches of my field in different states. Performance Studies- UCLA, UC -Riverside, NYU, and one in Illinois or Washington. Irish Studies - Boston, a school in New Jersey in quite literally the middle of nowhere. University of Texas is great for the Art History folks, as well as those interested in Pre-Columbian cultures in the Americas. While I haven't researched it a great deal, the University of Utah has a Ph.D. in Communications within the Humanities department. It has different aspects of emphasis, and I imagine they would yield to some interdisciplinary study that would facilitate my particular interests in the Humanities: dance and literature. 

What to do? Applications for the coming year are due fairly soon. As in extremely soon. If I can take a class or two and go slow, that is one thing. If the times require me to be a full-time student... well, I don't think that is the right option currently. I am leaning towards looking into it and seeing what is involved. That will also involve questions about career paths and job placement assistance post-graduation. (As a side note, I find it interesting that only a week after getting a full-time job, I get the impression that I might do well by returning to school. Fact? Fiction? Interesting at the very least!) What to do? What would you do? 

Dreams

In my task of rebuilding myself, I find that I am in need of some dreams. Or, perhaps I have the dreams but have not articulated them very well. So here is my list of dreams, in no particular order. (Except perhaps my first dream.)

I dream of...

1. Being a wife and mother

2. Getting a piece of writing published 

3. Swimming with dolphins

4. Learning how to write in calligraphy

5. Traveling to a tropical location... maybe Costa Rica?

6. Visiting my brother's family in London

7. Owning my own home, which will have a beautiful, bright kitchen and a big library

8. Becoming a skilled amateur photographer

9. Learning how to create visual art (sketch, paint)

10. Performing as often as possible with dance groups

What do you dream of doing and becoming? How did you figure out what your dreams are?

Rainy Monday

Okay, so I don't know if today is actually very rainy, but if sure feels like it is. I'm not sure what triggered it... maybe it started in Relief Society yesterday when I tried to make a comment in class and got attacked by the teacher for it. That was pleasant. Maybe it was when we drove past a neighborhood I don't want to be near still. Maybe it was the acknowledgement that I'm going to be one of those who gets married "later in life," in contrast to the "young marrieds" so prevalent in LDS culture. Maybe I just get sad sometimes, even on the best of days. I'd like to think that that's okay every now and then. It does get a bit more challenging when I add on a Monday like this though. 

Job searching is the bane of my existence right now. I've applied for probably 20-30 jobs in the past few weeks, and have heard approximately nothing from them. One in particular was exciting for me... an editor position near Provo. I was able to make some connections and start networking. The reply I got from one individual today felt like that Relief Society attack yesterday. I truly just wanted to network, of course with the hope that that would be advantageous in my job hopes. After "not implying" that my goal was to get a backdoor interview for a job, the person then got on my case for trying to talk to people while I had a job application in. Person again implied that I was just trying to get the inside track for this job I applied for. What do you say to that? Feeling attacked, I responded saying that I was looking into the industry with many contacts and did not want to create a conflict of interest. 

Is it really too much to ask that I obtain gainful employment? I have a Masters degree. I feel like that counts for nothing positive on my behalf. The one job that's seeking me out is answering phones for customer service..... I did that before I had bachelor's degree! I'm just really at a loss as to what to do, and my confidence is not where it needs to be to do more job stuff today. 

In case this read wasn't what you hoped to read, stay tuned for me sharing my recent missionary experience!! Now that is something to smile about. 

All I need is love... and chocolate

I had an "appointment" today. It was extremely successful, actually! Which was surprising and exciting and happy all in one. Until they mentioned that it is contract, not full-time, no benefits. 

-boo-

Overall, I was kinda bummed out after I left, because I knew that the offer just didn't have enough to make me take it. It's nice that I was good enough to merit such a rapid offer, for what sounds like a very dynamic and exciting job. But in the end, I'm probably not looking for a career, just a stable position that will keep me happy for the short term. Maybe I'm Debbie Downer right now, but it just wasn't what I hoped it would be. Getting the offer is almost worse than not getting it at all. On the positive side, it's nice to know that at least one company/industry found me highly qualified and desirable. 

Tomorrow is Joan's birthday... 25 on the 25th! I had always wanted to do something cool for my 25th.... I ended up extending my Christmas vacation that year and having a quiet night with the fam. Which was actually perfect! But I'm not sure what to do for my honey. Especially since there are time constraints...... I think I will attempt to make the following, though. He requested chocolate, but he isn't a fan of coconut so no German Chocolate Cake. I thought a dump cake would be s i m p l e and perfect, but he doesn't care for cherry pie filling.  So, I'm taking out all the stops! I already know I don't want the white chocolate on top, so I think I'll drizzle chocolate and have whipped cream to top it. I better get to the store and get cooking! It could get interesting, as I don't have a springform pan and will mostly likely buy the pre-made cookie crust. I'll be sure to take pictures and document! And if anyone has any last-minute fun ideas for what I can do with Joan from 8-10 pm tomorrow night besides eat divine cheesecake, let me know!!

Momentous Moments

First, I have to announce that in two months from today, I will be Mrs. Erica B. Gonzalez!! June 15th keeps inching closer and closer, despite all of life's attempts to make it seem far away. WOW! That's super exciting and I'm glad we still have some time to plan and get things finished up. In all honesty, most of the wedding things are taken care of... at least the major ones. Announcements are in progress of being designed, we've found an apartment, the honeymoon is coming together (from what I'm allowed to know about it) and soon it will all be happening. The best part of being engaged? Realizing ever so slowly just how much Joan loves me by all the small things (and big things) he does just for my happiness. 


Second, I now have over 300 blog posts. I love writing!!


Third, I think Spring Break really worked for me. I had gotten really run down emotionally with work, and even spiritually too. (And physically.) It was so wonderful to sleep in! To stay up late reading a book! The days were still rather stressful, particularly with searching for an apartment. I have driven so much in the past week, it is nuts! Today was very rewarding though. Joan came to church with me, which was fantastic, and several of the talks and lessons touched on happiness. It's been a difficult winter for me to maintain a healthy emotional balance. Of course I've been thrilled with many aspects of my life, but others have been so opposite in the other direction that... it's been a challenge. Today though, I feel like I am back in charge of my life and my happiness. Some days will still be hard, I know. Some days I might not remember that I am in charge of my happiness and my attitude. But I will do my best to remember!


There is so much in the world for us all if we only have the eyes to see it, and the heart to love it, and the hand to gather it to ourselves.

Lucy Maud Montgomery (1874-1942)

Doors and Windows

So 2012 has been very interesting so far. VERY good so far! And it looks to be extremely promising on some fronts, which makes me happy happy. Of course, you can't have a house where all the windows and doors are open at the same time. So naturally, some windows have had to close. For the first time in my left, I voluntarily chose not to participate in dance. 

WOW.

It was surprisingly easy. Easy in the sense that I've been dancing for over two decades and have always ended prior dance commitments through someone else's choices - moving away, not making a team, etc. Actually choosing my future? Choosing to say no to dance?? Yes. I did it. And it feels right. 

My travel journal documents my impressions from our very last performance in Lisbon. It was a back-to-back show for LDS church members from three stakes in the area. Both shows were packed! The audience was so wonderful and it was an amazing synchronicity of performer and audience. Perhaps my words that night sum up this choice. "Absolutely best way to end dancing :) " At least for now, one chapter of my dancing story has closed, but I am confident that it's not the end!

Night In - Soliloquy

A man dies as often as he loses his friends.

Francis Bacon(1561-1626)

I've gotten to do plenty of thinking lately... thinking about choices I've made in life. How the outcomes work themselves into intriguing shapes and important lessons. For example: I'm dancing at the Mormon Tabernacle Christmas Concert this year. I randomly saw an audition posting in September and decided to give it a shot, not having a clue where I would really be come December. (I did figure that I'd still be in Utah.) It went great! I made it, got to add some rehearsals to my weeks, and started meeting people in the area. It's been a very rewarding experience so far, even if it makes for extremely long days now that I have a job. That was a good choice. Even more interesting to me, though, is the choice my mom made about 21 years ago. She put me in my first ballet class. Over two decades later, I've danced all over the world in all sorts of venues doing all types of dance. In a few weeks I will add to my resume the massively huge Conference Center, where I will end up dead front and center in front of everyone.
Wow. I'm glad I had Folk Dance and the Marriott Center performances to prep me for big audiences. And to teach me to perform to the top row in the way back, not the illustrious figures in the front rows. It's the ones in the back that really deserve your absolute best: it takes the most effort to get your energy to reach all the way to them. 

An interesting tangent to that thought and my staging (which was mostly a happenstance thing) is that the girls dancing around me are several years younger than me. As in, I've danced longer than they have been alive and breathing on this beautiful earth. Sure, they started dancing at age 3. But I was dancing before they even made it through the veil. Sometimes I truly relish those thoughts, acknowledging the dedication and work that has gone into my dancing. A lot of those choices have been mine. But I'm forever indebted to my mom for making the first brilliant decision that started my feet dancing. 

Well, I've definitely strayed from the original quote by Sir Francis Bacon. But I wanted to do a positive thought first. His quote points out the importance of friends in ones life. Having moved recently in a bigger way than the past 7 years of moving, I have become acutely aware of the dynamics of friendships. They truly do so much in making a place feel like a home. In making life feel full. In promoting mental and emotional stability. Looking back over my college years, there are thankfully few times that I can say I literally "lost" friends. There was one watershed event before my senior year that did a lot towards unearthing those who were my real friends and those who were acquaintances. That was a rough time. But other than that, I have been blessed to have many wonderful friendships grow and develop. A lot of them I left in Provo when I moved away. And it's just not the same in Salt Lake. Probably the biggest reason is because I'm not in school anymore, which significantly changes the social dynamics. I've wondered lately if I really made the right choice in leaving Provo. I think I did need a break, but sometimes I very much miss my dear friends there. 

I sometimes wonder if I made the best choice when I decided to be a 1st grade teacher. Well, not that I even decided! I merely accepted the offer that was almost thrust upon me. Is it going to be a fulfilling career? It's definitely not one where I'll make major social connections and potentially find a spouse. (Not that marriage should be a consideration in work, but I work, yet again, primarily with females. That's all I'm saying.) I often feel like I have to verbalize my significance, qualify the statement that I teach 1st grade, as if that makes me not good enough. Who gets a Masters in Humanities to teach 6 year olds?? I always felt like being a teacher was more of a calling than a career and I admired those who went into that profession. But I just don't see myself as being all that special now that it's me being the teacher. 

I sometimes wonder if it was even right to move out of my grandparents' basement! I truly enjoyed living with them. I talked to them more than I talk to my roommates now, probably. It felt so homey with them. The spirit was always present, and when that's in a home it makes it extremely comforting. Most places I've lived I've felt the spirit there, but it's different when you're with a married couple. Visiting married friends, family of course... it seems more tangible. Probably because the household is extremely united, not a temporary fixture of disparate parts. (I know, waxing loquacious here with big words.) As long as my room feels comfortable, I know I'm doing what I need to to have a spiritual tone. But it's so much nicer when it pervades the house. I feel like I should have done more to show my grandparents how much I appreciated living with them. I left while they were out of town and then I was very busy getting re-settled and with school.... 

Well, you can't live a life of regrets. That's not living at all. I'm not sure where these choices will lead me: leaving Provo, being an elementary school teacher, moving out with roommates again. Moving to south Salt Lake rather than downtown like I had envisioned. Changing wards right when I had started getting into my last one. Moving away from an area where some boys were interested in me. I'm not sure if it was me or the new location that deterred them so efficiently. Now I wonder again if I'll ever meet anyone that fits the basic bill, let alone could be considered "great." The older I get, the more I realize that the great guys figured out they should marry a few years ago. The ones that are left.... in fairness some great guys exist in the older ages. But they are a rare find. It's like panning for gold in a river full of pyrite. 

Well, I meant to post pictures of the furniture I built. But apparently I needed to type. I miss writing papers. I miss typing words and saying important things for people to care about. Granted, only my teachers really cared about those essays, but... it was something. It was intellectual. And I really enjoy typing. And writing. Expressing myself through the written word and being intelligent in the process. I was one of those students that generally enjoyed writing research papers. I don't think I'll ever want to stop learning more. 

I do imagine though, dear reader, that you are ready to stop reading. I'm sure this is quite lengthy by now, and it really is just my own personal musings. I suppose I'll stop there and get ready for my big long day of rehearsals tomorrow. It starts at 8:30am and probably won't end until 11-12 hours later. And at least 6-8 of those hours will be full-on dancing. I think I'll pull a bath-n-book tonight to help prepare. Sleep might be more useful, but it's less of a sensory experience; and while my body may be tired, my brain is quite awake still. 

And there you have it. You made it to the end!! 

Good news minute

Remember, friends, I'm not in Provo anymore. That means this good news minute has nothing to do with engagements, dating, or exams. It has to do with my ...

new job!!

That's right, I'm now a first grade teacher at Challenger School in Salt Lake City. Technically, I'm not a "teacher" yet, but by the end of the month I will be taking over my class of 27-28 students. The school is pretty rigorous, so I don't have much (read: any) latitude in decorating my classroom. Campuses are in California, Utah, Nevada, and maybe another state, and they want uniformity for the students. So, if you go to a 1st grade class in California, then transfer to mine, it will look the same. I didn't become a teacher to decorate, though, so that's not a big deal to me. 

Why did I become an elementary school teacher?? That's a good question, and I'm not sure I have the answer. Obviously, I needed a job. And I have experience teaching, albeit at the college level. And I quite enjoy teaching, on a personal level. If I could make the bookoo bucks at any occupation, I would teach college. If I had desired to teach elementary students, I would have majored in that. For whatever reason I'm unsure of, I felt like teaching was the right step for me to take. I surely prayed, fasted, and attended the temple enough that I trust  the Lord helped me find this position. Whatever happens, I feel like I can make a small difference in the lives of these children. I know they will make a difference in mine, if only to train me how to handle young children! I also get the benefit of being able to continue pursuing my hobbies of dancing and traveling. 

The Lord works in mysterious ways. I don't usually understand the why until long afterwards, if it even comes then. But I do know it is worth it. Now I can focus all my prayers on some unsuspecting young man....... that might take a bit longer than finding a job did!!

An Apple for the Teacher?

Well friends, I applied to be a teacher. I know, I thought it was too late this year too!! But a charter/private school in Salt Lake said they're accepting applications so I decided to throw my hat in the ring. I've always said that I'd prefer to teach older students (aka college-age), but maybe I've been limiting my vision. I'm currently waiting to hear back on another job I interviewed for last week. It would be very exciting to work there, and I would be very happy to get an offer. But, I trust that the Lord is guiding my job quest, so if I don't get an offer, then I know that it's not where I need to be. In an effort to pull my life together, I have decided that if that job doesn't work out, I'll contact the local school district and become a substitute teacher! They don't require a teaching certificate; plus, my masters degree and college teaching experience ought to serve as some type of qualification. It's so interesting to see how life morphs from one expected pathway to another unforseen trail. Is there a God? With all that has happened in my life, I think the more appropriate question is, how could there not be?? I'm ever so thankful that He is. 

Friends

Suffice it to say, this was a less than pleasant day. I hate stress. And uncertainty. Thankfully, I got a tiny answer resolved and feel peaceful about that, but I wasn't particularly happy afterwards, as it leaves me swimming in uncertainty about many many other things. However, a crazy thing happened... I got a bazillion texts from various friends asking about me. I usually only get a few texts, and that's on a busy day! So to those who thought of me when I really needed happy thoughts: Thank You! I surely needed those extra thoughts and it was so helpful to talk to you and think about something besides myself. 

Also, a special shout out goes to Amy, who helped me find some art resources last semester. I stumbled upon a an art blog today and thought I'd share with her and all the other art lovers out there!

Art21 Blog

The Great Debate

I am in the midst of figuring out my future. No pressure, right? My formal educational pursuits are at an end, at least for several years. My time at BYU is drawing rapidly to a close. I am definitely ready for some change at this point. I've been in Provo for 7 years; like Jaocb, I didn't exactly get the Rachel I was hoping for. Let's hope it doesn't take 7 more years to get my true love!! I have enjoyed my time here and have a LOT to show for it, but I do want to try something new. As I search for jobs, I'm increasingly drawn to two very different locations: Salt Lake City, UT and  Washington D.C.

Salt Lake City: good weather, lots of family around, nieces and nephews to play with, lots of singles, lots of hiking/camping possibilities, lots of friends still in the state. Still not a huge change from Provo. Potential to start a performing dance company with 2 friends, and/or continue dancing with my international folk ensemble. 

Washington D.C.: untold adventures. Free art museums and historic sites all over the place, lots of singles, some friends in the area. Very big change from Provo, very far away from Utah and Missouri, where my family is. Possible jobs working at said art museums! Lots of traffic, expensive housing. Pretty good weather, and not quite as dry as Utah. 

Obviously it depends on where I get job offer(s), but if you were me, where would you go?