Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Seeing
I saw him tonight. I knew it was a possibility, but I decided that I should go to the activity. We had a bi-ward activity and I wanted to go and meet people, but it was at Kiwanis park. That's were he often goes to play pick-up games of ultimate frisbee. Guess whose group he was playing with today? Mine. I thought I was going to be sick when I realized I knew the guy with dark hair, sport shorts, and a button-down shirt playing ultimate. Thank goodness Alisha was there. After a minute of absorbing the fact that he was right there, I got out of the car. I ended up talking with an old friend, Cody, who was throwing a football with some people in my ward. He and I tossed it back and forth for a while, almost until the end of the ultimate game. I'm pretty sure he saw me. I'm hard to miss with both my ankle and knee brace on. Besides..... you recognize how people move. Thankfully he left the group after the game ended. No attempt to say hi. I think I'm okay with that. I was feeling nauseous about seeing him, which was alleviated by the football, but came back and remained after he left. I cried a little. I'm not sure why. I sort of miss him.... or the idea of someone loving me. But I guess I don't know that he ever did, which is perhaps why I've been able to move forward. I invested my whole heart into him and towards the end I was the only one giving anything. Maybe sometimes I just need to cry. I know that I'm better off, that there's someone better suited to me and my personality. Up till today I haven't really cried for several days. I don't really know what upsets/unsettles me and triggers these emotions.... I guess maybe it's simply the heart trying to catch up with what the mind knows. I don't sit around and wonder what he's up to. I do wish him the best, but I really have put him from my mind, for the most part. I try to, at least. Sometimes I'm really glad that not many people read my blog.... this is certainly me at a more vulnerable place and more emotional than most people see. Or maybe I just feel that way but it's not coming through the writing. That's okay too. I'm sad right now. I'm so looking forward to my vacation this weekend in Nebraska and Missouri. I hurt right now and am not sure why. I probably ought to just go to sleep... and pray that I don't dream about him. I need me some Peter Pan tonight -- "think happy thoughts; just think happy thoughts."
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Fried Food and Fine Jewelery
I love cultures. That's basically why I became a Humanities major -- I get to study different cultures and since dance is one of the arts, I can use that as part of my focus. I mean, I'm going to write a hundred-page thesis about dance studies, so that's got to be a pretty clear indication of my interest. Anyways.... I love culture. And today I went with one of my favoritist people up to Salt Lake City to take in the international festival being hosted there. It was wonderful! There's nothing better than spending a few hours appreciating the music and dance and food of other cultures. Being there reminded me so much of tour last year, and I think I've convinced Ananda of the virtues of dancing in festivals... so I'm going to train her in the ways of Clog America so we can go together next year!
If there's one thing I've learned about international events, its that you must sample the food. Going to a foreign country without trying the local grub ought to be outlawed. Of course, sometimes when you're with the festivals it's hard to say how authentic the food is, but I feel confident that I've sampled a taste of all the countries I've been in. Back to the point though, there were, of course, food vendors at the festival. I had a falafel sandwich from a Lebanese food stand, while Ananda sampled some Thai Bhuddist Temple cuisine. We went back for baklava (I'm going to be SO in heaven in Greece). I tried mine from the Lebanese stand and Ananda got hers from the Bosnian stand. It's hard to say which one was better... although hers looked more decadent as it swam in its sticky topping. Mine was not drenched or messy, but it was good, flaky, and had the perfect taste. And later we went back for more food..... hey, it was cold outside. I had some Indian fry bread, and Ananda had some Palestinian samosas. They're definitely different from Indian samosas I've had, but they were very tasty. What it comes down to is that I love food! And I had a nice share of fried food today.
After which, I had a most enjoyable encounter with fine jewelery. (For some reason, I'm trying very hard to make this post follow the title I gave it. Sorry if it seems forced, because it probably is.) So after returning from Salt Lake, I went to the mall to exchange a shirt I got. I went to put it on one day and realized that there was a substantial hole in it where the seam hadn't caught both sides of the fabric. It only took me a week or two after that realization to actually go make the exchange. And then, being at the mall and not quite ready to go spend the evening alone at home, I wandered. I worked my way over to Macy's as I chatted on the mobile with my mom, and passed by a gorgeous black pearl ring. After unsuccessfully wandering the upstairs, I returned back to the jewelery counter to see how much out of my price range the ring was. It was originally $1300, but half off... I think it worked down to $400 something? No way could I justify that much. BUT, the wise man had another ring to show me. And that one was more to my style (less ostentatious, more simple) and much more on sale. He crunched me some numbers and the ring, which was originally around $400, came out to be less than $100!! What a steal! I've been planning to buy a black pearl ring since I graudated (yeah, that was two years ago) so I felt justified in the arguable impulse/splurge.
I don't think I should write this late at night. It makes me long-winded, I think. To close: here's the nice quote that came up on my ticker for today. Oh, and I caught a touchdown pass in our ultimate frisbee game Thursday night. And my right knee now hurts for inexplicable reasons. Chiropractor? Time to make a phone call, I think. (On Monday, not actually today.) Ok, time to stop. My editorializing of myself is getting old to me, so I can't imagine what it's doing to actual readers. I'll try and just post pictures next time. I took some good ones today (imagine me rambling on about those pics now.....)
I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure that you are of the same kind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of light and speech, and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.
If there's one thing I've learned about international events, its that you must sample the food. Going to a foreign country without trying the local grub ought to be outlawed. Of course, sometimes when you're with the festivals it's hard to say how authentic the food is, but I feel confident that I've sampled a taste of all the countries I've been in. Back to the point though, there were, of course, food vendors at the festival. I had a falafel sandwich from a Lebanese food stand, while Ananda sampled some Thai Bhuddist Temple cuisine. We went back for baklava (I'm going to be SO in heaven in Greece). I tried mine from the Lebanese stand and Ananda got hers from the Bosnian stand. It's hard to say which one was better... although hers looked more decadent as it swam in its sticky topping. Mine was not drenched or messy, but it was good, flaky, and had the perfect taste. And later we went back for more food..... hey, it was cold outside. I had some Indian fry bread, and Ananda had some Palestinian samosas. They're definitely different from Indian samosas I've had, but they were very tasty. What it comes down to is that I love food! And I had a nice share of fried food today.
After which, I had a most enjoyable encounter with fine jewelery. (For some reason, I'm trying very hard to make this post follow the title I gave it. Sorry if it seems forced, because it probably is.) So after returning from Salt Lake, I went to the mall to exchange a shirt I got. I went to put it on one day and realized that there was a substantial hole in it where the seam hadn't caught both sides of the fabric. It only took me a week or two after that realization to actually go make the exchange. And then, being at the mall and not quite ready to go spend the evening alone at home, I wandered. I worked my way over to Macy's as I chatted on the mobile with my mom, and passed by a gorgeous black pearl ring. After unsuccessfully wandering the upstairs, I returned back to the jewelery counter to see how much out of my price range the ring was. It was originally $1300, but half off... I think it worked down to $400 something? No way could I justify that much. BUT, the wise man had another ring to show me. And that one was more to my style (less ostentatious, more simple) and much more on sale. He crunched me some numbers and the ring, which was originally around $400, came out to be less than $100!! What a steal! I've been planning to buy a black pearl ring since I graudated (yeah, that was two years ago) so I felt justified in the arguable impulse/splurge.
I don't think I should write this late at night. It makes me long-winded, I think. To close: here's the nice quote that came up on my ticker for today. Oh, and I caught a touchdown pass in our ultimate frisbee game Thursday night. And my right knee now hurts for inexplicable reasons. Chiropractor? Time to make a phone call, I think. (On Monday, not actually today.) Ok, time to stop. My editorializing of myself is getting old to me, so I can't imagine what it's doing to actual readers. I'll try and just post pictures next time. I took some good ones today (imagine me rambling on about those pics now.....)
I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure that you are of the same kind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of light and speech, and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.George Eliot (1819-1880)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
What I have learned
Patience is not just waiting for something. Somehow it has perpetually evaded my consciousness that being patient is more than recognizing that things won't happen on my timetable. Be patient for dinner, be patient for that phone call, be patient for blessings...... so often it just seems to imply that we're waiting for something to happen. And, in part, we are. Elder Wirthlin gave a talk in 1987 and said this. "Dictionaries define patience in such terms as bearing pain or sorrow calmly or without complaint; not being hasty or impetuous; being steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity." Two out of the three definitions there I have never really considered.
1. Bearing pain or sorrow calmly or without complaint.
Anyone who has talked to me lately (who knows what's been going on the past two-ish weeks) is well aware that I have been openly vocal about the pain of the situation. In fact, I almost felt guilty on Sunday when the bishop asked me how I was and I said "fine." I downright lied to the man. Oh well.... it was better than getting into everything with half the ward standing around. I think that being honest about feeling pain and complaining about the situation are two different things, though. I know I have crossed at times into complaints, and some of that "bearing of sorrow" was anything but calm but..... I think I handled things better, or at least differently, than I have in times past. I hope so. Trials are supposed to be a time of learning, and sometimes I have a hard time moving forward when I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning or doing. I've decided that this particular aspect of patience is something I'll work on - study, practice, improve.
3. Being steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity.
This trait is something I recognized as being important, but I never really connected it with patience. In my mind I saw it more as -- trials are where you grow, so its not enough to just exist through them. You have to gracefully endure and press forward through them. Patience seems such a passive action, but it actually helps to recognize that there is action and motion involved. President Uchtdorf expressed this in his talk for the priesthood session of general conference (April 2010).
"I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort. There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"
I often wish there were something more tangible I could be doing to reach my goal (this one in specific). I suppose that's something I else I can learn from this- what I need to keep doing to endure well. Ok, well, I guess I spoke too quickly, because Pres. Uchtdorf continues and explains what to do.
Ultimately, patience means being “firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord” every hour of every day, even when it is hard to do so. In the words of John the Revelator, “Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and . . . faith [in] Jesus.”
2. Not being hasty or impetuous.
In Elder Wirthlin's talk, he explained what it really means when we doubt the Lord's timetable.
I think this is one of my hardest things to grasp: that the Lord has a timetable for me and that He answers the prayer of faith. Does my faithful praying change the timetable? If I'm asking for what I want and indicate my wishes that said event occur relatively soon (say, in the next year or so), am I just mocking/questioning His omniscience? I don't know. Sometimes I've erred on the side of "it will come when it should come and the Lord will take care of me." Now I'm much more leaning to the side of "I'm going to pray and pray and pray this here until it gets here, which will of course be sooner and not later because of my prayer of faith." I don't know which one is better, or if one works and the other doesn't. The second option does seem a bit more of an active approach, and its not necessarily precluding the possibility that I'll be waiting just as long as I would have with the first option.
1. Bearing pain or sorrow calmly or without complaint.
Anyone who has talked to me lately (who knows what's been going on the past two-ish weeks) is well aware that I have been openly vocal about the pain of the situation. In fact, I almost felt guilty on Sunday when the bishop asked me how I was and I said "fine." I downright lied to the man. Oh well.... it was better than getting into everything with half the ward standing around. I think that being honest about feeling pain and complaining about the situation are two different things, though. I know I have crossed at times into complaints, and some of that "bearing of sorrow" was anything but calm but..... I think I handled things better, or at least differently, than I have in times past. I hope so. Trials are supposed to be a time of learning, and sometimes I have a hard time moving forward when I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning or doing. I've decided that this particular aspect of patience is something I'll work on - study, practice, improve.
3. Being steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity.
This trait is something I recognized as being important, but I never really connected it with patience. In my mind I saw it more as -- trials are where you grow, so its not enough to just exist through them. You have to gracefully endure and press forward through them. Patience seems such a passive action, but it actually helps to recognize that there is action and motion involved. President Uchtdorf expressed this in his talk for the priesthood session of general conference (April 2010).
"I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort. There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"
I often wish there were something more tangible I could be doing to reach my goal (this one in specific). I suppose that's something I else I can learn from this- what I need to keep doing to endure well. Ok, well, I guess I spoke too quickly, because Pres. Uchtdorf continues and explains what to do.
Ultimately, patience means being “firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord” every hour of every day, even when it is hard to do so. In the words of John the Revelator, “Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and . . . faith [in] Jesus.”
2. Not being hasty or impetuous.
In Elder Wirthlin's talk, he explained what it really means when we doubt the Lord's timetable.
Finally, a word about patience with our Heavenly Father and his plan of eternal progression. How incredibly foolish to be impatient with him, the Father of our spirits, who knows everything and whose work and glory, through his Son, Jesus Christ, is “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39). As Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, “Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually, when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best—better than does God. Or, at least, we are asserting that our timetable is better than his. Either way we are questioning the reality of God’s omniscience” (Ensign, Oct. 1980, p. 28). Elder Wirthlin
I think this is one of my hardest things to grasp: that the Lord has a timetable for me and that He answers the prayer of faith. Does my faithful praying change the timetable? If I'm asking for what I want and indicate my wishes that said event occur relatively soon (say, in the next year or so), am I just mocking/questioning His omniscience? I don't know. Sometimes I've erred on the side of "it will come when it should come and the Lord will take care of me." Now I'm much more leaning to the side of "I'm going to pray and pray and pray this here until it gets here, which will of course be sooner and not later because of my prayer of faith." I don't know which one is better, or if one works and the other doesn't. The second option does seem a bit more of an active approach, and its not necessarily precluding the possibility that I'll be waiting just as long as I would have with the first option.
I don't know if anyone has survived to read this far. Sorry: I guess this post is more for my benefit than anyone else's. To sum up: I'm happy today. I have slept well now for two nights, and I think my streak of poor sleep is over. (Up until Tuesday night, I'd only had one decent night of sleep since the 9th.) I can listen to 99% of music again. I feel like I am a lot closer to reclaiming my confident, independent self. I might still cry sometimes. I reserve that right. I guarantee that I'll still get down-hearted sometimes. But today, I feel like I'm stepping out of the muck and moving back towards the green pastures. If I can add a personal note, I never was angry at him for breaking my heart. Deeply hurt, but not angry. I wish him the best. I'm happy to be happy. And maybe, just maybe, I won't be waiting another 4 years to be in a serious relationship again.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Virtue of Heavenly Patience
“Life is full of difficulties, some minor and others of a more serious nature. There seems to be an unending supply of challenges for one and all. Our problem is that we often expect instantaneous solutions to such challenges, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required.”
Topics: Patience
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Lemonade
Friends, I might be taking a brief hiatus from posting. Today I received some unpleasant news..... essentially I'm rejoining the ranks of Provo singles. As in, no boyfriend singles.
Anyways, I just don't have much to add to that right now. I'm okay. And I'll be more okay in time.
Anyways, I just don't have much to add to that right now. I'm okay. And I'll be more okay in time.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Crazy Dreams Remembered
I used to think I didn't have very cool dreams. And I would never remember them. So... that really made them uncool. Lately, though, I have remembered a few more dreams, and I gotta say, they are pretty crazy. Take last night, for example.
I was flying to Normandy, France with my dance group Clog America. We got there and settled into our dorms and whatnot. For some reason, though, I had to be back in the states the next day, so I stayed for a few hours, wandering around streets that definitely were not French, then went back to the terminal and flew home. We were staying over on 9th East at Chatham Towne Condos and I was with two guys. It was rather odd because one of them was Aric, and the other was Aric's French-speaking brother Keith, but neither one had the right faces. In fact, I think at one point one of them looked like my sophomore roommate's brother who I saw at church on Sunday. Then, for some reason, there was another girl with us on a grassy field who had an English Bulldog. It had a HUGE mouth! How do I know this? It was trying to bite me. Actually, at one point, as I was trying to get it away, it got my hand in its mouth. HUGE mouth. I told the girl he wouldn't let me go and she said to just let him drag me where he was going, and then he'd let me go. So I basically played dead for a few seconds while I got dragged across the grass. And then he let go. I was very glad he didn't bite my head or anything else as he puttered away. Then I think it was time to get ready to fly back to Normandy, but I woke up before that finished.
In other news, I'm happy to have a (mostly) working body. I've been being careful lately to not aggravate the lovely nasty sprain I got about 2.5 weeks ago and it just about kills me to not be able to do what I normally do. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be laid up on crutches for weeks or to not be able to move in general. I watched Aric play a game of ultimate last night while I read some homework. It's a good thing I hadn't wrapped my foot, otherwise I would have been sorely tempted to go join the game.
Finally, in this modge podge of thoughts, I offer my personal "quote of the day" which I coined earlier this week... Monday I think it was. Enjoy.
I was flying to Normandy, France with my dance group Clog America. We got there and settled into our dorms and whatnot. For some reason, though, I had to be back in the states the next day, so I stayed for a few hours, wandering around streets that definitely were not French, then went back to the terminal and flew home. We were staying over on 9th East at Chatham Towne Condos and I was with two guys. It was rather odd because one of them was Aric, and the other was Aric's French-speaking brother Keith, but neither one had the right faces. In fact, I think at one point one of them looked like my sophomore roommate's brother who I saw at church on Sunday. Then, for some reason, there was another girl with us on a grassy field who had an English Bulldog. It had a HUGE mouth! How do I know this? It was trying to bite me. Actually, at one point, as I was trying to get it away, it got my hand in its mouth. HUGE mouth. I told the girl he wouldn't let me go and she said to just let him drag me where he was going, and then he'd let me go. So I basically played dead for a few seconds while I got dragged across the grass. And then he let go. I was very glad he didn't bite my head or anything else as he puttered away. Then I think it was time to get ready to fly back to Normandy, but I woke up before that finished.
In other news, I'm happy to have a (mostly) working body. I've been being careful lately to not aggravate the lovely nasty sprain I got about 2.5 weeks ago and it just about kills me to not be able to do what I normally do. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be laid up on crutches for weeks or to not be able to move in general. I watched Aric play a game of ultimate last night while I read some homework. It's a good thing I hadn't wrapped my foot, otherwise I would have been sorely tempted to go join the game.
Finally, in this modge podge of thoughts, I offer my personal "quote of the day" which I coined earlier this week... Monday I think it was. Enjoy.
You are the subtext to my stream of consciousness
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Kitchen Adventures
Wisconsin Cauliflower Soup
It's not quite up to the Zupas flavor, but I'm not sure what was missing.
Bowties with Homemade Sauce, Tomatoes and Mushrooms
Oreo Truffles
These were a batch in January (?) that actually turned out
And that's all she wrote for today!
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