Why I disagree with "Mormon Feminists"

The following is a relatively free-hand rehearsal of my thoughts. It has been thought through, but not particularly edited much. FYI. 

There has been a great deal of hoopla going on lately in regards to "Mormon Feminists." Sunday marked a Facebook-wide push for women to wear pants to church. It garnered a lot of attention from many news outlets such as NPR and FOX. Personally, I was too busy with my life to really get caught up in things, but I knew enough of the movement to know that I would not be joining the ranks of pants-wearers. According to their comments, these feminists advocating pants at church did so in order to make a statement and push for united sisterhood. According to one of the Facebook groups: 

The creators of this event are feminists who recognize pants are a symbol of much larger issues that require addressing. This event is the first act of All Enlisted, a direct action group for Mormon women to advocate for equality within our faith. We do not seek to eradicate the differences between women and men, but we do want the LDS church and its members to acknowledge the similarities. We believe that much of the cultural, structural, and even doctrinal inequality that persists in the LDS church today stems from the church's reliance on – and enforcement of – rigid gender roles that bear no relationship to reality.

I must declare that I do not agree with this type of thinking. I do not think we should be using a place of worship as a place to stage, what amounts to, political posturing. I recognize that there are politic of faith, and many people have extremely strong emotions on both sides of the spectrum. I respect that we all do and should have differing viewpoints in regards to the cultural, non-doctrinal aspects of religion. I believe that these differences make our worship and religious cultural experiences richer through their diversity. They celebrate the individuality of each person, while highlighting the similarities that bond us together as followers of Christ. But I feel like what many of the "Mormon Feminists" do, particularly the most vocal ones, is divide to conquer. 

A cursory read of posts on blogs such as Feminist Mormon Housewives quickly reveals the agenda of its adherents. The tag line itself spells it out explicitly: "angry activists" (followed by various culturally common tasks such as "with peaches to can" or "with bonnets to sew"). I do not believe that a group founded on anger can properly solve any kind of problem. Anger muddies the water and distracts from the issues at hand. Many of the posts are from women expressing their deep frustration with the church system. 

I read one where the mother shared profound sadness and and sense of disconnection with her daughter regarding the receiving of her Young Womanhood medallion. The mother was supremely upset that her daughter's leader and bishop handled the matter so quickly and without the fanfare associated with a young man's Eagle Scout award. Her anger blinded her from realizing that Boy Scouts of America is not an LDS-based organization. Her argument couldn't hold water, because by nature the two awards would be different. What particularly bothered me about the story was the blame: it was the institution's fault. She was not culpable in making the experience memorable for her daughter. I disagree. I recall completing the requirements to receive my own medallion. With my good friend, who also received her award at the same time, we and our parents coordinated with the bishopric to create a special Young Women's activity. For our weekly activity, we had a special barbecue where all the Young Women could come and celebrate their accomplishments and our sisterhood. My friend and I received our medallions, which was the primary purpose, but it focused on our accomplishments as young women and helped to set an example for the rest of our younger sisters. Why didn't this mother talk with the YW president or bishopric to see if such an option was available? 

I believe that many of the perceived injustices against women could be alleviated if women proactively proposed solutions. There are ways to make the Young Women's program as fulfilling and empowering as the Young Men's program. Scouting is its own program, but why not have interested young women meet together to do those kinds of activities? I realize that these women might argue that it is the responsibility of the institution to provide equal programs for men and women, boys and girls. To them, I would suggest that they research how many of the Young Men's activities are actually for scouting, a non-LDS based group. I would also suggest that many Relief Society sisters are just begging for someone to propose target shooting instead of quilting nights! Go ahead and be that positive voice to suggest such activities. That is a proactive way to solve what you see as a problem.

Getting back on track with the pants and feminists though... I consider myself a progressive woman in the church. I am educated. I am single. I am confident to go to church and sit by myself if I want to. I worship in the ways that bring me closest to God. If you need to wear pants to feel connected to your God, then by all means do so. I support you. If you feel disconnected from sisters in your ward - I understand. I've been there. It's tough to navigate female relationships, particularly with cultural norms playing a role. I don't feel like wearing pants is going to help me connect with you though. I don't see how pants are demonstrating your pain and anguish with the church. I respect that you perceive yourself as a victim or lesser participant. I would suggest that you are an empowered woman who can do everything in your power to change that. 

One last thought on "Mormon Feminists" and why I disagree with them - unity versus divisiveness. One major claim of the pants movement was to unite women. In fact, many of their movements and arguments are based on the idea that we women need to unite and let our voices be heard. What bothers me is that the quest to have a resounding voice often results in subjugation of differing opinions. These feminists were thrilled (as was I) with the lower ages for missionaries. What a step forward for our sisters, daughters, etc! Truly it is a great opportunity. But what of the women who still choose not to serve? Will these feminists express them same love and understanding to women who consciously chose to remain more "conventional" despite the broadened options? I don't believe that the "Mormon Feminist" discourse leaves a place for women who believe in progress but desire the conventional expression of life, faith, and devotion. They distinguish themselves through their strong views, which naturally draw lines and boundaries. As long as they put themselves in opposition to other women, they will never achieve the ultimate goal of unifying all women together as simply women. Clothes don't make the woman. They really aren't even important at all. Your sister is important. I believe that if we focus our energies and efforts on getting to know our sisters and loving them, we will effect greater change than any pants movement could do. 

Doctor who?

For whatever reason, I've been thinking lately of going back to school. I know, am I insane? Probably! I have always enjoyed learning and school. Despite the associated stress, I quite enjoyed doing the research for those lengthy papers I wrote. I remember trying to squeeze oodles of information into my brain my first semester while still working full time. It was a challenge, but I loved it! 

I've come to realize something about myself lately... I don't generally settle for just okay. I like to move forward and upward. I think that's why I have always danced: there has always been something more to learn. Maybe that also explains why I haven't settled on a firm career path yet either. I know I can do many things well enough to get a foot in the door, and I know that once I'm in I will work to move up and improve. 

That said, I've been looking at doctoral programs. Mostly (only) at the University of Utah. Partly, that is because I have researched in the past and know some of what is available in other branches of my field in different states. Performance Studies- UCLA, UC -Riverside, NYU, and one in Illinois or Washington. Irish Studies - Boston, a school in New Jersey in quite literally the middle of nowhere. University of Texas is great for the Art History folks, as well as those interested in Pre-Columbian cultures in the Americas. While I haven't researched it a great deal, the University of Utah has a Ph.D. in Communications within the Humanities department. It has different aspects of emphasis, and I imagine they would yield to some interdisciplinary study that would facilitate my particular interests in the Humanities: dance and literature. 

What to do? Applications for the coming year are due fairly soon. As in extremely soon. If I can take a class or two and go slow, that is one thing. If the times require me to be a full-time student... well, I don't think that is the right option currently. I am leaning towards looking into it and seeing what is involved. That will also involve questions about career paths and job placement assistance post-graduation. (As a side note, I find it interesting that only a week after getting a full-time job, I get the impression that I might do well by returning to school. Fact? Fiction? Interesting at the very least!) What to do? What would you do? 

PBS Rocks!

Wow, who knew that your local Public Broadcasting Service was so incredible?? After tonight, I'm sold! It's their fundraising time, so I suppose I really ought to show my support by donating. But I'll give them some free publicity here, at least. First, they showed the 2011 Mormon Tabernacle Christmas Concert... and I saw myself! I promise I'm not completely narcissistic, just interested in seeing how I did, of course. And seeing parts of the show I never saw. Then what should come on next but the Piano Guys Red Butte Garden concert! Jeff and I went to that in September and it was honestly the best concert I have ever been to. And watching it is what is getting me on this train of thought.  

I love the cello. It has such a mellow, soulful, yet soaring sound. Something about the deep low notes completely resonates within me. Sometimes in the past year I have felt really disconnected from my emotions. Like my head was distinctly one thing and my heart was distinctly another... and they weren't getting sync-ed up. Music was one of the things that brought them together for me. I've missed music. Much of last year I didn't listen to music... I was driving/commuting and listened to my local news and traffic. I'm sure a psychiatrist would give more reasons why I didn't indulge in music as much, reasons that had nothing to do with commuting. Regardless, when I did listen to music, it often had a strong melodic and instrumental theme. It's what spoke to me. Yo Yo Ma, slower ballad songs, pure instrumental songs... And those moments when they spoke to me and brought my mind and heart into harmony were wonderful. 

I remember being at this concert and hearing the orchestra come in to this song. The experience of the concert, with parts of the orchestra standing up from the audience... I felt like crying at the end. I noticed that Steven Nelson (the cellist) was crying at the end of the song on the clip they showed from the concert. As a performer, I know it takes more than an amazing personal performance to feel that way - it requires that synergistic moment of performer and audience uniting into one universal force. It was one of those moments when I felt so gloriously mortal and immortal, filled with emotion and experience and unfettered soul. Those transcendent moments are rare in life. They are exquisite. 

Don't only practice your art,

But force your way into its secrets,

For it and knowledge can

Raise men to the Divine.

-Ludwig van Beethoven

How can you not feel inspired after listening to that, seeing it, and reading Beethoven's profound suggestion? Art is completely elevating. It's in these moments when I'm reminded so strongly why I chose to get my degrees in the Humanities. Why I value what I value and pursue the dreams, goals, and hobbies that I do. Oh, to feel that exquisite moment of harmony and resonance more often! 

Every artist makes himself born. It is very much harder than the other time, and longer.

Willa Cather

It has started!!!! (more gratitude)

My new life is finally taking a tangible step forward!! It has started!!! I accepted a full-time job offer today with Cornerstone Home Lending and I'm so thankful to be ending this year employed once again. (It really is time to address my sleep schedule now.) Throughout the past five months of searching for jobs, and searching for myself a bit too, I have always held to the belief that the right job would work out in the right place and the right time. Assistant loan processor is probably not the job I was chasing after in my dream-life scenario, but things work out for reasons. And it feels like the right move. Speaking of moves, I'm also planning to take my country, wide-open-spaces self into the heart of Salt Lake City and try out the downtown scene! I've never considered myself a city girl, but thankfully SLC is one of the smallest big cities you could run across, and it has grown on me a lot in the past few months. 

It's been quite the journey this second half of the year. Quite the journey. I'm so thankful for family that took me in and kept me housed and fed and feeling loved, no matter what. I'm thankful for friends who poured out their support in June, and who have continued to support me through my arduous job search. I really do have a TON of friends!!! I'm thankful for Amber, who helped me in the most difficult moments and is now a great friend for doing crazy/fun stuff! I'm thankful for Jenelle, who was basically a therapist to me through a lot of everything. I'm glad she got married so I could meet Dan, a great friend who helped me come to love SLC and believe in myself again. I'm thankful for my adopted ward in Farmington, who took me in even though I'm an outsider. I have made some great friends in that ward, including Annika, who referred me to this job! I haven't feel so accepted and loved in a ward in a quite a while. I'm thankful for dance - the opportunity to maintain at least one part of myself through thick and thin, stay connected with my friends, and perform. I'm thankful for oodles of down time that allowed me to doodle around and start developing a talent that I hope to one day market. Not to mention all the time I had to work on my cross-stitch project. I'm also extremely thankful for the time I've had to go to the temple regularly and feel peace. To build deeper relationships with family members. To better understand how family always loves you and wants to help you... that was a lesson I learned from so many of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. 

And finally, I am thankful that I can go home for Christmas this year. It just wouldn't be Christmas without my mom and dad and a handful of brothers, all of us doing our holiday traditions in Missouri.  

The desire to feel and know

I feel compelled to write. To fill a page with words that mean something. I feel... something. I feel like life is always darkest before the dawn. I remember a camp out way back when I was in Young Women's. Aside from the fact that I had somewhat slid into the fire pit by the morning, I distinctly remember waking up in time to see the rising sun change the shades of the sky. Ever brighter, ever more beautiful. From the comfort of my slightly singed sleeping bag, the world became bright. 

I feel so much right now. Not sure why. But I feel it. Something. 

I haven't written all that much on my blog this year. Writing is an outlet for me. Sometimes I like to re-read what I've written to see where I was at in the past, where I am now, and what has filled the gaps between those times. I suppose parts of this year have left me disappointed, to say the least. The first half of the year I was basically fighting myself, fighting reality. And then reality delivered its blow, for which I am so thankful! It knocked some sense back into me, which I desperately needed. But so much struggle, plus a wake up call of that magnitude... it changes you. It does break you for a while. And if you don't look carefully, you might go on thinking that you are still broken and not mending. I have spent the second half of the year mending. Growing. Rebuilding. It hasn't been easy most of the time, but there have been sweet moments all throughout it, if only I pause to reflect on them. It has been hard. It has been emotional. 

I realized something this week. I know, it's only Monday... how could I have already realized something?? It happened yesterday. The circumstances weren't exactly pleasant. But in my attempt to cling to hope, faith... anything that would keep me feet properly on the ground, my heart properly in my body, and my head properly attached, my internal voice shouted at me. 

It's always darkest before the dawn. It's always darkest before the dawn. It's always darkest before the dawn.

And I realized in that moment that everything was all right. There is an end. And I think it is actually in sight, too. A fresh start. A new beginning. The dawning of a new day of possibilities for a girl who has also grown and changed through the night. This year has been one that I hope fades rapidly in my memory... at leas the hard parts. The lessons I've learned will stay with me a long time. The new friends I have met, the old friends who so quickly gave their love and support - they too will stay with me for a long time. 

I have grown. I have become stronger. This I also realize last night. I am more prepared to stand on my own feet. To pick up the reins and start directing my life again. To face the fierce future without needing someone by me to hold me up. I still want everyone by me, but I can stand on my own power. Which wasn't true for much of the past while. And there may still be days... Well, you understand. I am strong. I can do it. And I think I am finally really ready to do it, after all this time. 

This went somewhere completely different than I expected when I wrote the title and got started. Oh well. Here's a song that I feel fits the post and maybe that will help it all make sense. 

Girls and kitchens

My titles have been pretty boring lately. I'm sorry. I'll work on that for ya'll. Girls. Girls are pretty fun creatures. I had the great opportunity of spending some time with some friends in my ward tonight and it was a blast! My friend Raeann invited me and some of her other friends over for Sunday dinner after church. As I knew would happen if I went early, I kind of became a fixture in the kitchen. What can I say... I like to help and I like cooking. She had me put together her fruit salad and asked my opinion on the progress of the slow cooker food. She had a great meal put together, and I really enjoyed spending time with girls my age making dumb comments and jokes, laughing, and cooking. Some big personalities arrived for dinner, so I wasn't so talkative then, but it was still very fun to hear their interesting stories and drama. I guess I'd forgotten what it is like to be around girls (or people my age) and just have a fun time and do whatever you feel like. I love living with my grandparents and I certainly can do whatever I want, but there's moments when I miss the independence afforded by living on my own with roommates. The jokes and laughter. The shared time together. And yes, even some of the drama. (Just not too much.) 

I'm excited for this week. Tomorrow is a ward Hawaiian Thanksgiving (basically we're having Hawaiian haystacks the week of Thanksgiving...??) and they sent around a list for dessert contributions. Actually, I believe it is something of a contest, and anyone who knows me knows that I am not at all competitive. Therefore, I have been contemplating my contribution for a week. I've decided on the Apple Caramel Cheesecake I made once before (I blogged about it back then). I'm debating on whether or not to do a legit cheesecake or divide it into two pie shells, or just put it in one like last time.... Suggestions? I hope it really is a contest and I hope I win it resoundingly!! I'll be sure to take some pictures and document the cheesecake adventures tomorrow.

Thankful part 2

So I've been looking for a job for awhile. I know, news flash, right? I've been trying to network more and search harder... Well interesting story tonight. I was able to make contact with someone in training this week and have been watching for related jobs to open up. Tonight I was at the temple and had some time to ponder. Like has been common, I felt peace. Nothing much more specific, just a definite sense of peace. Then I got home and checked my email. And there I saw an email telling me a job was open, from my contact! The time stamp puts it around when I was pondering, give or take ten minutes. Pretty great story, I think. Now to go apply and hope I get an interview from the opening!

Thankful

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.

Ralph Waldo Emerson(1803-1882)

One thing I really enjoy about November and Facebook is that so many people have jumped on the thankful-a-day bandwagon. It's fun to see the good things in peoples' lives. Positivity is a powerful influence! As I've been continuing the job search, as well as over the past few months, I've had ample opportunity to self-analyze. Which is why I really enjoy this quote from Emerson. As a transcendentalist founder, he believed in the innate goodness of man and nature. The soul was very important as part of man, and I think it there is great truth to the idea that nothing can bring you peace but yourself. I use my faith and religion, rather than transcendentalism, but the basic idea holds. External factors aren't the true source of peace. It's about the soul finding peace. 

Well, I didn't mean to wax philosophical there. Where I meant to go was how my journey to finding peace has been closely related to how I look at the world around me: if I express thanks for the good things in my life. Here's just a few of the things I'm thankful for this November!

1. I have an amazing family and extended family that loves me!

2. I am in a ward where I am making friends.

3. I get to sleep in a lot.

4. I have the chance to develop my writing skills through freelance employment.

5. I'm sort of employed (see #4 and substitute teaching).

6. I have the opportunity to dance in the Christmas Concert and Clog America.

7. I get to practice interviewing a lot. 

8. I got to enjoy a beautiful snow storm over the weekend.

9. I'm blessed with wonderful friends who are examples, pals, and personal cheerleaders.

10. I went to a great eye doctor who gave me a discount and is helping my eyes be happy. 

My Future ... taking input

Options I am considering for my future, as the job hunt is a brutal reminder that whatever plan I had before isn't panning out super well at the moment. 

• Go back to school and get a Ph.D so that I can teach as a college professor. 
• This will cost a lot of money.
• This will take probably 3-7 years. 
• Go back to school and get a different Master's degree: Instructional Design, MBA MPA...
• Taking suggestions for this. 
• I think organizational behavior would be cool. 
• I do have 3 years work experience, so I'm probably qualified on that part.
• I don't know which school I'd go to and it will cost a lot of money. 
• Not sure what the end game is with this course of action.
• Get started with a teaching certificate
• I can either do the Alternative Route or go back to school and just pound it out (I think)
• End goal: Teach high school language arts, writing, etc. Or even humanities!
• Take a job that doesn't reflect my education or skills but that will open doors ... eventually..... for further progression. 
• I would get paid. 
• I'm not sure what the end goal is here. 
• Do other stuff for a few (many) months, wait for teaching jobs at BYU to open, and apply to teach English there. 
• I hate to think I'd still be searching for a job after all that time, but this is a viable and attractive option to me as well. 

My current plan while I wait/search/interview/wait is to do freelance writing and substitute teaching. You know what I really want? I really just want to understand where the Lord wants me to be so I can go there, find a job there, and contribute there. 

Long Day

I have been working hard today, I promise. It started off with working on my PowerPoint Presentation for my 2nd interview this week. Very excited for that! I got through all the basics of getting set up for a blog on Blogger (I'm teaching them how to do that) , and then I decided to amp up my example blog. There went the afternoon!! CSS, HTML, coding, parameters.... I was definitely in over my head. I finally was able to understand how to use a template and upload it. The new blog I created is a pet project that I've been stewing over for a while. I love the arts and humanities and have often thought it would be fun to post about those topics for the general enrichment of others. However, I don't think readers of my personal blog necessarily want to be bombarded with that all the time; nor do I think readers about arts and humanities want to hear about my personal life drama. So it works out well to put it on another blog, one that isn't exactly associated with me. I have no intention of linking out to my personal blog from the arts/humanities site, but you are all more than welcome to follow this link and hop on over! I hope that if you're interested, you will follow the other blog and get an un-daily dose of culture, arts, humanities, etc. 

** Friends, assuming this other blog takes off, I know many of you are artistic in your own ways and I'd be happy to have you share your voice there as well! Let's educate the world about the arts! 

Gateway to Art : please be aware that the cool stuff on the page is still under construction and hopefully will be less crazy and more awesome very soon. 

PS: did I mention that the post over there  is all about Halloween? 

Good words

Rare
Beautiful
Intelligent
Unique
Spiritual
Amazing

Good words. Words to make one happy, strong, and believe in oneself. It's been an interesting week, but I'm thankful for these good words from a friend who sees me better than I see myself sometimes. 

Thursday Times

What an interesting day. Good moment: I had a great interview with the company InContact for an Education Consultant position. Basically I'd be training people all the time! I have a second interview next week where they get to see me in action, so I'm looking forward to that. Bad moment: super lame rehearsal. Seriously, we sat all too much time tonight. There were also some interesting cuts (?) made that were rough on all the girls except the 12 who got the top spot. It was not very fun. I did not enjoy it. Obviously, I was not one of the blessed 12. Darn favorites. Granted some girls really deserved it from their dancing. Some I think I was just as good as. Oh well. So tonight was a rough venting night for a bit. And I'm excited for Friday!! It will be an exciting day for sure, if for no other reason than it will be better than tonight. 

Happiness not a destination; it's a way of life. 

Whens-day

Basque region of France - grape arbor

I totally borrowed that title idea from a friend of mine on Facebook (we are also friends in real life, but I saw that idea on Facebook). Today was the day when I interviewed for an office manager position in Kaysville. I realized that despite being a "grown-up" of sorts, I still don't think in terms of long-term commitments. Can I see myself sticking around here for three years? Probably. Five years? Whoa buddy, whipping out the big guns! I didn't see myself staying in Centerville for much more than a month... and it has been so long now that I've had to go "shopping" at my storage unit for my winter clothes, coats, etc. Speaking of which, I'm really befuddled as to where my shoes are. I swear I had a trash can filled with shoes. I know I did. The can must be well hidden in the unit, because I couldn't spot it. I was even climbing around on my nightstands to get a better vantage point and visit my stuff. 


Did I mention that sometimes I just miss my stuff and have been known to go to the storage unit just to look at it? Yeah.... It's true. My bed. Oh my beautiful wonderful bed!!! My dresser and nightstands that I built myself. Go IKEA. My bookshelf. My pictures. No idea where those are at.... My books. It's a good thing they are packed or I would spend too much time just looking at them and thinking of reading them. I would like to find where Swann's Way, by Marcel Proust, is at. I never really read the whole thing and I think I'm ready to try it the second time. 


Tomorrow I have an interview as an education consultant for a company in Salt Lake. I should also be hearing back from Granite School District about whether or not my fingerprints cleared for me to be a substitute teacher. I need to follow through on a freelance writing job as well and get them the forms back. Can I just say it? I keep holding out for the real job. That's what I want. But I've also learned that what I want isn't necessarily where I need to be headed. So on this Whens-day I am again working on finding my path in this nice big world!

Best un-edited picture from 2011 Basque region. Even my photographer friend (Fez Alama) said it was good! I will confess, it was partly luck. Mostly luck. But it's still awesome!

It's only Tuesday?

Time is a mysterious thing. It boggles my mind to consider that time only exists for mortals. How does that work on the other side? Does it have something to do with the E=MC2? The speed of light? That we'll be so filled with literal light that time slows down or does its funky time-ness and...... well, I can't really complete what I'm thinking there because I didn't study much about physics. But yes. Time. Is a wheel that keeps on turning, always moving us around (Thanks LeeAnn). 

I can't believe it is only Tuesday. Monday seems rather far away. Maybe because I actually did things yesterday. For example, I went and got fingerprinted so I can be a substitute teacher in Granite School District. Ideal? No. Something to do and get money for? Yes. After that, I visited my sis-in-law Michelle, and her kids. Actually, my brother was there too, but he was home sick from work so... we didn't visit much. His kids are super cute, as is his wife. (He's a lucky guy!!) We had a fun time just talking and playing together. Then I went to WalMart -- I know, but it really is cheap and I'm on a tight budget these days -- and who should I see getting out of the car in front of me, but my Grandma Burgin! I haven't visited with her since before I left this summer. Long story short.... she lives about one street away from my ex and I just couldn't bring myself to get that close to those memories. I'm really glad we saw each other though! It's nice to visit with family, not to mention important. We didn't talk super long since I had to get dinner and go to FHE. It was a Halloween dance and I went as a nerd. And I watched "The Interpreter" after the dance. Fascinating flick. 

Sorry, my iPod doesn't have the greatest camera and I didn't figure out the best way to transfer it to my  computer...

Well, just got the email that I didn't get the Financial Aid Counselor position at the U of U. I guess I'm happy that I don't have to change my colors.... yes, I'm happy that I get to remain true to my BYU colors. I'm going to watch some Dancing With the Stars now. 

Another Monday

It's another Monday. Once again, I'm sitting here at my computer, looking for jobs. Applying for jobs. Doing miscellaneous work related to jobs and job searching. I may or may not be watching "The Office." I have emails to send to prospective openings, calls to wait for from past interviews, and an arguably promising offer to be a substitute teacher at a near (ish) school district. I think of ways I can be an interesting teacher, a dedicated worker in whatever role I take on... yet it is essentially all in my head. 

What am I supposed to be? Where am I supposed to be? Am I becoming what and who I need to be as I go through this seemingly endless period of ... waiting? 

I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned about finding satisfaction with who I am, regardless of outside impulses. It certainly does help that I'm dancing again and have that outlet, but I'm not sure it necessarily makes me happy. I've gotten to the point where rehearsal isn't nearly as thrilling as performing. But in other things I wonder a lot. Satisfied and happy aren't exactly the same thing. I want real happiness. I want to believe that I can have what I've dreamed of, and things I haven't dreamed of too. I want to believe that I will be gainfully employed. I want to believe that the Lord wants me to be as happy as possible. Well, I know that He does. But I want to believe that His way will align with my dreams in some part as well. 

I know one day I will be blessed with what I desire so much. It's a promise. It's a responsibility I have - to share the gospel with my family, especially my children. I am that I might have joy. Satisfaction is fine, but joy is another realm entirely. So I will press on, ever on. Joy surpasses all. Joy can be elusive. When it happens, it is amazing. I believe it is when your body, soul, and the universe all strike that same chord and resonate. Here's how I described that in my personal tour recap, July 24, 2011. 

"I'm so happy we closed with the double shows on Friday! I haven't felt that way dancing for a while... They talk about how music needs a vibrator for sound to resonate through - the feeling/reverberation I felt at moments during those two shows was magical and incredible." 

I believe that feeling is a special kind of joy, saved for special moments. I look forward to feeling it again, especially as my life unravels itself to reveal which path I will be on next. If anyone has a spare prayer, though, feel free to cast it my way for a job.  

 

Swirling leaves

So earlier this year, as summer was first beginning to fade into fall, I decided that this year I would like Fall. It's not that I had anything against it in the past, but I'm not sure that I necessarily loved it. It is amazing what a conscious attitude choice can do! Not only are the fall leaves more beautiful, the weather is fantastic! I do miss my fall-appropriate shoes and scarves (not sure I'm ready for another trip to the storage unit to forage for them...) but hey, that's a minor thing. 

Another quaking aspen picture (unedited)

I also happened to see this fabulous quote this morning. It seems to fit pretty well with the idea of leaves and fall and swirling up. 

Love...roots up the will like a leaf, and sweeps the whole heart into the abyss.

Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)

"Romantic" Getaway

Now here is a fun story. When Amber and I went to the State Fair, we totally lucked out! See, the first day of the fair they had a vendor tent where people were handing out free samples of their local wares. We totally made the rounds through the tent, trying everything from garlic olive oil dip (pretty awesome on peaches), ice cream sandwiches, local honey, meat, granola, salsa, apples.... to cheese and cake and all sorts of yummy stuff! As we were heading out to see the actual fair, we passed a KSL booth with a drawing for.. well I'm not sure I paid much attention to what it was.... but it was for a weekend getaway to Park City. Amber and I both put our names in, just for the fun of it. We said we'd take each other if one of us actually got drawn.

Guess who won?

ME!

It took a few weeks to get it scheduled up, but we went up to, not Park City, but Deer Valley! It's the swanky ski area. And we were at the fancy Austrian-themed hotel, the Goldener Hirsch Inn. David Duchovny stayed there during Sundance last year! Amber totally got a kick out of that. We had a three-course meal our first evening there and were so stuffed we practically rolled upstairs to our room! I wish I had taken my camera down that night.... actually I also wish I had taken extra batteries on the whole trip, because I ran out during our day out! Thank goodness for my iPod. So here is my romantic getaway to Deer Valley with Amber.

Quaking aspens along the lift ride

Red rose in front of our intricately carved mirror

The sign to our hotel/inn. It's modeled after a much larger space in Salzburg, Austria. I loved the charm of the interior!

The front facade with beautiful wood decks. You can see our deck from here! Top.. middle?  Somewhere on the top. 

With Franz, the famous bear!! 

We are close. And happy. He's on Main Street in Park City, which is where we spent our day Saturday. It was so fun to see such an old-style town and just wander the ritzy streets. (Because it's very old-style, but most shops cater to the Sundance crowd). 

View along Main Street. We were up there during the peak off-season, which I really enjoyed. I'm not a huge crowd person. The weather was also super fantastic! A little cool, but the most perfect fall day ever. 

Loosey the Moose! They have some fun random art up there. 

If I had written this post after I got back, I could tell you some smart fact about just how old this theater is.  So I went and looked it up for you! The original Opera House was built in 1888, but a fire burned a lot of the town, including the original building. This version opened in 1926, highly influenced from the discoveries at King Tut's Tomb. Maybe next time I'll go inside and give you a better description. 

Statue of a miner. Park City more or less got going through silver mining in the mountains. Had the city museum actually been free, I could also share more details you don't exactly care about. Sadly for us all, the museum cost money so I didn't get a great history lesson beyond what I saw along the streets. 

Still, the streets have some great pieces of history. This building was not a hotel anymore, but it still had the original (?) glass work in the pediment space above the doors. Oh, did I mention there were several art venues there? It was great to go see the works of local artists, along with a few works by famous deceased artists. Oh, and they had some stunning sculptural pieces. Loved the natural stone and organic design. 

I saw this cute store front and just had to get a picture! Seriously, Park City Main Street has so much character along that strip of road. Tons of charm. 

We rode the lift up the mountain for some nice scenery. They're probably resort homes, but talk about cute and charming! 

Fall leaves and ski runs.

Probably my favorite picture. I love the look of quaking aspens (thanks mom!) and these ones just looked fabulous with the blue sky behind them. No editing done. Lol, do I ever edit pictures? Umm.. not too often. 

Awesome "closet" at the Inn. I think this one was in the hallways, but it's super cute. I love the hand-painted wood  and the European charm. Some of these had names over each door, kind of like a his and hers. Cute. 

Hand-painted chest with old butter-churn  on top. 

They had lights in the trees!! I love lights. 

There is a hilarious story relating to Amber and I going out and taking pictures. It was a little chilly outside. She had already used the jetted tub (while I was gone at a dance performance). I had probably too much make-up on and both of us were in a state of dress... well that you don't usually go out to meet company in. Especially if it's cold. And then as we dropped the key off with the front desk, I made a brilliant comment about pants. We were wearing them. Flannel ones, even. However, I sort of did not use an adjective with the  pants comment. Rather than saying, "That's why we're wearing long pants, or warm pants," I simply said that to combat the cold: "That's why we're wearing pants."

Did I mention they thought we were a couple when we checked in?? Lesbians that wear no pants. Awesome impression. For what it's worth, I did some damage control for the pants comment once we got inside again to pick up our key. We talked to the front desk guy for like 40 minutes, so I think we effectively removed any ill effects of my awesome comment. It was in that conversation that we learned how expensive our room is during Sundance ($1200+ per night), that David Duchovny stayed in the hotel last year, and that if we come back during Sundance, he might give us some tips for star-spottings.

Old trestle downtown. 

More trees from the lift ride

Us on the lift! It was chilly in the shade. Sorry for the picture on the side...  I clearly didn't figure out how to import from my iPod very well. 

We stopped at this restaurant for a late lunch. I got some great pizza and lunch was fun... until I took an entire glass of water to the lap!! Their tables aren't very stable. Pretty much everyone in the restaurant saw it happen... haha at least they told me that it didn't look too bad and that I was rocking it. 

Two cool things: jetted tub and fluffy robe. You bet I rocked that out, complete with bubbles!!

And that was our romantic trip to Deer Valley! I wish I had food pictures and spa night pictures to share... well... I may have spa night pictures :) But I don't think you really want to see my face with goo on it. If I get the food pics though, I will definitely update! That meal was to DIE for.

Perfect weekend to kick off fall. I've decided this year to embrace the fall season and so far, so good. 

Utah State Fair

Still playing catch up.... how about some State Fair action? 

Tight rope walker

Unicycle on the tightrope

Backflip on a tightrope! So the first time he did this, he landed off-centered and  had to hop down. It looked really painful actually (poor man), but he got back on and tried again! I caught him mid-air in his successful flip. 

High diving men!! You better believe we had great seats for this one :)

They had springboards and these teeny tiny platforms ... I think the highest was 3 meters! 

Not sure I would have been so chill with diving off a tiny platform with the wind blowing as strong as it is ... see those flags? But hey, they're professionals. And attractive.... yeah. :D 

Awesome

Also awesome.... although it would have been better if I'd caught the dive instead of the take off. 

Goofy "dives"!

We went and said hi to the divers afterwards. After we had walked away, I was looking back watching this guy and I guess I wasn't too subtle because they all waved goodbye when they went backstage. Haha oops! 

He's way up there!!

At the end. He survived the jump!

What's a State Fair without some quality butter sculpture? 

In case you can't really tell, it's a cow take on the Hunger Games. That's Katniss... um, Cowness? with the bow there. 

LEMURS!!

Isn't he so cute!?

Awww, so soft and furry.

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled post to show the very first thing I took a picture of at the fair.. the horses!! They had quite a lot and I love them!!
Now returning to your normal post....

AWW!!! So cute! This little guy was pretty tame and was fine being petted and touched. He's holding Amber's hand here. He picked a winner!

Baby lemur!! Seriously, very tiny little guy and super cute. 

See how tiny? See how cute?

At one point he actually climbed into the cup holder. What a sweetie!

Uhm.... I forget what these animals are called. But they're cute too!

Thirsty. Or hungry. Probably both. 

Cute little thing from some exotic place.. awwww...

This is for my mom. I saw this red quilt and thought it was super cute, just had to take a picture!

Owl. Open one (Harry Potter). Watch one. Love one. 

Rodeo!!! Okay, not pictured is the amazing dinner I had at the rodeo. I couldn't find a corn dog that cost less than $7, so I headed off for something cheaper. I decided on a sweet potato, absolutely loaded with butter, sour cream, cheese, green onions, some parmesan... WOW it was amazing! This rodeo clown was great too, and so was the rodeo itself. But I absolutely loved my food. And I felt healthy eating it. Haha, self-deception is alive and well I guess :) . 

Nighttime on the fairway.

Ferris Wheel

Party all night long!

Pretty lights. 

You know, it's really interesting that within the past six weeks or so I've done so many fun things! I guess part of me thought that being jobless and somewhat lacking direction in my future would translate into a boring life. But I feel like I have been learning a valuable lesson: enjoy the journey. In fact, I absolutely loved attending General Conference this weekend and hearing at least two different talks that specifically referenced joy in the journey. I feel like I am slowly learning how to find happiness withing myself, instead of needing external things to make me happy. Perhaps that's a lesson I've needed to learn for a very long time.... if so, then I'm thankful that I am finally getting it through my sometimes-stubborn head. I still really wish I had a job. I still would love to have my own mattress and have my stuff with me. Lol especially if I start needing winter coats soon.... but I'm pretty happy. Content. Enjoying the phase of life that I'm in right now. It's rough every now and then, and then I get a reminder of how happy and blessed I am! 

 I would recommend this same exercise to you—namely, that you take an inventory of your life and look specifically for the blessings, large and small, you have received. ~ President Monson October General Conference 2012

Coming soon to a blog near you: Romantic Getaway for 2 in Deer Valley! Tune in next time for the story and the story behind the story.