It's another Monday. Once again, I'm sitting here at my computer, looking for jobs. Applying for jobs. Doing miscellaneous work related to jobs and job searching. I may or may not be watching "The Office." I have emails to send to prospective openings, calls to wait for from past interviews, and an arguably promising offer to be a substitute teacher at a near (ish) school district. I think of ways I can be an interesting teacher, a dedicated worker in whatever role I take on... yet it is essentially all in my head.
What am I supposed to be? Where am I supposed to be? Am I becoming what and who I need to be as I go through this seemingly endless period of ... waiting?
I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned about finding satisfaction with who I am, regardless of outside impulses. It certainly does help that I'm dancing again and have that outlet, but I'm not sure it necessarily makes me happy. I've gotten to the point where rehearsal isn't nearly as thrilling as performing. But in other things I wonder a lot. Satisfied and happy aren't exactly the same thing. I want real happiness. I want to believe that I can have what I've dreamed of, and things I haven't dreamed of too. I want to believe that I will be gainfully employed. I want to believe that the Lord wants me to be as happy as possible. Well, I know that He does. But I want to believe that His way will align with my dreams in some part as well.
I know one day I will be blessed with what I desire so much. It's a promise. It's a responsibility I have - to share the gospel with my family, especially my children. I am that I might have joy. Satisfaction is fine, but joy is another realm entirely. So I will press on, ever on. Joy surpasses all. Joy can be elusive. When it happens, it is amazing. I believe it is when your body, soul, and the universe all strike that same chord and resonate. Here's how I described that in my personal tour recap, July 24, 2011.
What am I supposed to be? Where am I supposed to be? Am I becoming what and who I need to be as I go through this seemingly endless period of ... waiting?
I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned about finding satisfaction with who I am, regardless of outside impulses. It certainly does help that I'm dancing again and have that outlet, but I'm not sure it necessarily makes me happy. I've gotten to the point where rehearsal isn't nearly as thrilling as performing. But in other things I wonder a lot. Satisfied and happy aren't exactly the same thing. I want real happiness. I want to believe that I can have what I've dreamed of, and things I haven't dreamed of too. I want to believe that I will be gainfully employed. I want to believe that the Lord wants me to be as happy as possible. Well, I know that He does. But I want to believe that His way will align with my dreams in some part as well.
I know one day I will be blessed with what I desire so much. It's a promise. It's a responsibility I have - to share the gospel with my family, especially my children. I am that I might have joy. Satisfaction is fine, but joy is another realm entirely. So I will press on, ever on. Joy surpasses all. Joy can be elusive. When it happens, it is amazing. I believe it is when your body, soul, and the universe all strike that same chord and resonate. Here's how I described that in my personal tour recap, July 24, 2011.
"I'm so happy we closed with the double shows on Friday! I haven't felt that way dancing for a while... They talk about how music needs a vibrator for sound to resonate through - the feeling/reverberation I felt at moments during those two shows was magical and incredible."I believe that feeling is a special kind of joy, saved for special moments. I look forward to feeling it again, especially as my life unravels itself to reveal which path I will be on next. If anyone has a spare prayer, though, feel free to cast it my way for a job.
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