Seeing

I saw him tonight. I knew it was a possibility, but I decided that I should go to the activity. We had a bi-ward activity and I wanted to go and meet people, but it was at Kiwanis park. That's were he often goes to play pick-up games of ultimate frisbee. Guess whose group he was playing with today? Mine. I thought I was going to be sick when I realized I knew the guy with dark hair, sport shorts, and a button-down shirt playing ultimate. Thank goodness Alisha was there. After a minute of absorbing the fact that he was right there, I got out of the car. I ended up talking with an old friend, Cody, who was throwing a football with some people in my ward. He and I tossed it back and forth for a while, almost until the end of the ultimate game. I'm pretty sure he saw me. I'm hard to miss with both my ankle and knee brace on. Besides..... you recognize how people move. Thankfully he left the group after the game ended. No attempt to say hi. I think I'm okay with that. I was feeling nauseous about seeing him, which was alleviated by the football, but came back and remained after he left. I cried a little. I'm not sure why. I sort of miss him.... or the idea of someone loving me. But I guess I don't know that he ever did, which is perhaps why I've been able to move forward. I invested my whole heart into him and towards the end I was the only one giving anything. Maybe sometimes I just need to cry. I know that I'm better off, that there's someone better suited to me and my personality. Up till today I haven't really cried for several days. I don't really know what upsets/unsettles me and triggers these emotions.... I guess maybe it's simply the heart trying to catch up with what the mind knows. I don't sit around and wonder what he's up to. I do wish him the best, but I really have put him from my mind, for the most part. I try to, at least. Sometimes I'm really glad that not many people read my blog.... this is certainly me at a more vulnerable place and more emotional than most people see. Or maybe I just feel that way but it's not coming through the writing. That's okay too. I'm sad right now. I'm so looking forward to my vacation this weekend in Nebraska and Missouri. I hurt right now and am not sure why. I probably ought to just go to sleep... and pray that I don't dream about him. I need me some Peter Pan tonight -- "think happy thoughts; just think happy thoughts."