Reading the blog

It started out with a question about my smile. I love my smile. It's grown from where it used to be in my teenage years.  It is slightly lopsided, and you can see at least one dimple 99% of the time. When I am sincerely really truly happy, I have two dimples. I love my smile. And my dimples. And the crinkly eyes that come with all of that. 

I used to be pretty smart and would post interesting things on my blog. Now that I'm less involved in school, that has declined a bit. I hope to improve on that. 

I still love basically the same things, and the same things make me happy. Family, friends, dance, my kindle, peanut butter cups, sunshine... I still love BYU football; if I'm cooking and trying new recipes I'm definitely in a good place in life, and when I enjoy the seasons I'm also doing really well. I'm happy to report that these subtle signs are occurring these days. 

I'm very blessed in how many cool places I've been able to travel to and visit. It's definitely not the normal flow of life for an average joe. Of course, my dance friends are not normal joes either, so it's easy to forget that we live quite cool lives. 

I do take some good pictures now and then. I've got a deal for a 20 page photo book... I'm thinking I'll do artistic highlight shots from my years on tour. And I may include other trips, in case I got some amazing shots other times. 

I loved the relief society broadcast tonight. I didn't love seeing the space where I used to dance and knowing I wasn't good enough, or at least wasn't politically connected enough to make the cut. I've never been on the right side of dance politics anywhere I've danced. 

I did not work out today. I did do some great house cleaning, though. I need a dentist and eye doctor ASAP. I want to hang art on my walls, and I need to eat two paintings mounted. And now I am tired and need to sleep. Oh, and my travel purse broke. MAJOR bummer. 

In the free time...

So, as you learned in my last post, I did not make it into a dance group that I was hoping to be in for Christmas. Ultimately, this is for the best, as my calling is  much more important, and being in this group would have filled the remainder of my week and made it impossible for me to fulfill my calling. While I still will miss performing in that show just a bit, I realized two important things today. 

1. I finally activated the gym membership I bought in April! In my defense, I severly sprained my ankle about 3 days after buying it, so it made absolutely no sense to redeem it earlier. But I'm excited to take a gym bag to work with me and stop there on my way home every day. I'm hoping it helps with my figure, but mostly my sleep. 

2. I have been cooking more than usual. This is kind of huge, because there was quite a while in college where I cooked and tried new recipes because I enjoyed it. I had a bad experience, though, when my cooking was arguably the only reason this guy was in a relationship with me. I mean, he made it a point to eat my homemade german chocolate cake right before he broke up with me. And after dating him I kind of lost the motivation to cook so much. I suppose you could argue that I suffered mostly from that one, but I also learned to hide my cooking skills under a bushel in new relationships. I couldn't say if I'm past that or not, but I'm really happy to be cooking more. It's one of those more subtle markers of me having some time and of being happy. 

Midnight Musings

I've often wondered what others see when they see me dance. Do I look goofy? Do I look elegant? Do I look like I'm embodying the dance I'm doing, or do I just look like a body doing a set of dictated movements? 

I've often wondered this, especially as I've gotten older and done so many different styles of dance. At some point in college I realized - quite vividly - that the dancer in my mind's eye is WAY better than the physical one I actually am in real life. I think I became resigned to that fact many years ago. And honestly, that's okay. I like to think it's my spirit dancing, and one day I'll have the body that won't limit all that glorious movement. 

As the years have progressed, I've become more limited. Time marches on, and the machine that is the body must be maintained more rigorously over time to keep all the range of motion and fluidity that once came so easily. No wonder professional dancers phase out young. I'm not even that good, but even I can recognize that there are natural limits, or at least increasing prices to pay to keep the limits at bay. 

As a senior in high school, I wrenched out my knee cap. Anyone who has had knee issues knows that knee cap problems are just as rough and painful as knee joint problems. It's never gone away. It doesn't have as much "spring" in it. It doesn't bend as far as I would like. And it tends to feel funky when it does. That injury happened ten years ago in October. 

I've rolled both ankles a few times, though surprisingly less than one might imagine for a dancer. In 2009 I turned my left ankle quite severely. I managed to hobble around, although I did go get x-rays. Then in May I sprained my right ankle. Very badly. All my grown up body weight landed on it, and only it, from a lift in the air. I couldn't walk for three days. It was swollen for almost two months. It still hurts on occasion, still is a bit more swollen than it should be, and still has some distinct reduction in range of motion. 

I miss being a whole, physically capable dancer. I suppose I could have always worked harder and maintained more of my ballet skills and flexibility, achieved greater precision and technique in my feet, and developed better stamina and stage presence. I feel like I've matured mentally and become a better and better dancer as I've aged, but in some respects I've lost ground too. I may be able to characterize and portray better,  but only so far as my increased physical limitations will allow. 

I realize I'm not some decrepit old lady. I realize that I still perform on a dance team and will most likely find many more ways to continue dancing. But today I found out I didn't make an audition, which in past years I have made. I know they are changing direction and drastically reducing their cast size from previous years. I know there is really no sane or healthy way that I could have done that, clogging, and fulfilled my calling without sacrificing something. Given some of my past struggles with maintaining a healthy lifestyle, it's surely for the best for me to have a little downtime. But then perhaps I hid those and you didn't know I had struggles. 

I love to dance. I'm sad tonight that a door is shut. I know many  more doors and windows will be open to me still. I want to dance forever. I've danced longer than many people, and I'm impressed with the women I dance with now who have been at it even longer than I have! Perhaps I will be like them, if I can get my aging brain to hang on to choreography like it used to. If I can get my body to do what it's supposed to. If I can have a stage to fill with beautiful movement, with lights and music. For the love of dance...

I want to be a part of it -- New York, New York

New York is a pretty exciting place! I think these pictures highlight my main emotions for our quick day trip into the Big Apple...

On the boardwalk in Atlantic City, life can be peaches and cream

Once upon a time, I traveled to Atlantic City for a business trip... to Miss America. Dena Blizzard, a former Miss New Jersey and host of the event, decided to skip the rest of prelims and the final show, crowning me the new Miss America! 

True story: this is the real crown that Miss America 2014 will be wearing on Sunday when she gets crowned. They have a practice crown too, but why wear that when you can wear the real one that sparkles? 

Tune in to ABC on Sunday to see if they have me pinch-hit as the winner, and to see the new commercial that CMN Hospitals is airing (since that's the real reason why I'm here). You won't regret it!

Labor Day

I'm still working on pics from tour, but here's some shots from the iPod to document September! 

I must say, I feel sadly that I don't post as often as I used to. Writing helps me make sense of my life, often times, and not keeping up to date on here bothers me. I suppose for a while I wasn't happy, but that ended months ago. I have new and exciting things happening, but I guess I'm just afraid of sharing? Lol I don't even know if that's true. Perhaps all my readers have left since I've been so long silent. I'm here. I'm living and learning and working hard to be the person I want to be.... And the person God wants me to become.