I had great intentions of writing more over my Christmas holiday. Of course, I left my journal and my laptop back in Utah. The journal.. well that's hard to replace. I could have gotten on any computer to blog, but I didn't. I definitely did some reflecting at home, thinking over the many ups, downs, twists, and turns of 2012. I was absolutely happy for the last bells to chime its death, closing that chapter and turning to the unwritten pages of 2013. You know what makes me really happy about my prospects this year? It is guaranteed to be better than 2012!! After a year like 2012, there really is nowhere else to go but up. I started off last year with various ailments for the first three months. I'd lost weight due to stress. I wasn't happy in my relationships or in my job. I wasn't happy much at all, in fact. September was the beginning of turning the corner, but that process still took time. But as of the waning days of December, I'm healthy, have some jiggly bits back (which I hope to eradicate through exercise instead of stress), have a job, and am really really happy. I've had several people say that 2013 will be my year.
I was driving home tonight from visiting with Chad/Michelle/kiddos/Jeff/their neighbors the Wards listening to some great music. (I've been having family withdrawals since coming back to Utah.) It reminded me of one of the cute girls in my 1st grade class last year: Katina. It was towards the end of the school year and my life was basically unraveling by the moment. She was a trendy girl, always up on the latest songs and cool pencils. I remember one day when we were outside at recess, she came up to me singing the chorus line of this song. I'm not sure if she was singing it to me, or just singing the song, but every time I hear this song, I think of her.
Of course, once I think of Katina I am reminded of her best friend, Maddy. I feel a little bad about how the end of the year went with Maddy. She was a bit of a favorite... She really latched onto me as a teacher and I enjoyed her as my student. She was a handful quite often, but mostly because she was very bright and creative and friendly. Anyways, I felt bad when the year ended because she left school a week before classes ended. And I was at home canceling plans and making arrangements for my newly upturned life and crying on the last day she was at school. I never got to say goodbye to her. I just hope I remembered to write a note in her yearbook. She'd left it at school for the class to sign... of course, that last week of school I was in such a mire of my life that it's a miracle I managed to teach and maintain the classroom. I'm so thankful misery doesn't kill people. Anyways, when I think of Maddy, I instantly think of the gift she gave me at the end of the year.
Of course, once I think of Katina I am reminded of her best friend, Maddy. I feel a little bad about how the end of the year went with Maddy. She was a bit of a favorite... She really latched onto me as a teacher and I enjoyed her as my student. She was a handful quite often, but mostly because she was very bright and creative and friendly. Anyways, I felt bad when the year ended because she left school a week before classes ended. And I was at home canceling plans and making arrangements for my newly upturned life and crying on the last day she was at school. I never got to say goodbye to her. I just hope I remembered to write a note in her yearbook. She'd left it at school for the class to sign... of course, that last week of school I was in such a mire of my life that it's a miracle I managed to teach and maintain the classroom. I'm so thankful misery doesn't kill people. Anyways, when I think of Maddy, I instantly think of the gift she gave me at the end of the year.
Maybe one reason I felt so close to Maddy is because she reminds me of myself when I was young, in some ways. Blonde girl, a little tomboyish at times, loves reading, loves horses, loves school. I'm not sure I was as spunky or mischievous (hey that was one of our spelling words!) as she was, but I think those similarities were part of our bond. And who doesn't love to feel loved by a child? I have maybe two regrets from 2012, and one of them is that I wasn't able to love my students as much the second half of the year, through no fault of theirs. I sincerely wish I had been able to break through whatever happened that changed so profoundly once the new year kicked in. They were all beautiful, intelligent children. I'm really thankful I had the experience to teach them. For months I struggled with trying to understand why I was going through this challenging teaching experience (though I doubt now that it had anything to do with teaching), and I distinctly remember the day I got my answer. Circumstances played out for me to be a teacher last year so I could learn to love children more and prepare to be a better mother.
I hope 2013 is the year I realize some of those dreams -- marriage to the RIGHT guy, finding fulfillment in a career -- but it's okay if none of those happen. When 2012 comes down to the end, it reveals me as happier than I have been in years. Perhaps a little more sensitive, a little more aware of others, a little more in tune with the Spirit, and definitely happier. I know 2013 still holds challenges, tears, trials, and hard days ahead, but it will be my year. It already is. I am back. I am happy. I am more the person I know I am meant to be. And I'm looking forward to the journey through this new chapter and new year.
1 comment:
Erica, you are wonderful. I've had similar experiences and feelings about this new year. I hope 2013 is fabulous for you!
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