Home Alone

I've decided that people aren't meant to live alone. Last summer I lived mostly alone, with the occasional squatter staying for a few weeks before getting married. Yeah, that was lovely living with a girl AND her fiance. Ok, it really wasn't all that bad, but.... you get the picture. This summer I am living with a roommate (hooray!) who is very fun and awesome to hang with... when we are home at the same time. I am missing her again. Stacia often goes home to St. George area for the weekends, and honestly who wouldn't want to leave Provo for a long weekend like Memorial Day weekend? I was planning to, but the best laid plans of mice and men... suffice it so say I find myself rather boring company. (Hm, is that a clue as to why I rarely date? Nah... I'm awesome.) It's just when you have all day long to spend to yourself, well, its easy to convince yourself to stay in bed or be a bum all day. For the record, I pulled some clothes to go to DI and packed up some of my winter stuff, in an attempt to clean/organize my bedroom. You really can't tell that there's a difference-- at least not a positive difference-- but I know it's been done, and that makes me happy. And I did eventually shower, put on a little makeup, and fix my hair.

It was so weird to go outside today and go to the store. It was like I'd spent all day inside my apartment, to the extent that an outside world seemed strange to me. Trippy, huh? And then, despite being hungry and anxious to eat the pizza I got, I didn't want to go back inside after I got home. Sorta like I didn't want to go home when I got off work early yesterday. It's just empty.

Now, I don't want to seem like I'm complaining. I do enjoy having time to myself, and squandering time is a rare luxury, although even I know that squandering time really isn't good at all. I should have gotten my shoes for dance (Europe is 5 weeks away!!) and cleaned my bathroom and practiced my dances.... but that's okay. I did laundry. That definitely needed to be done. You know when you have your cute underwear and you wear those first and as you go through they get progressively older and less cute? Yah, I was way past anything cute and just at functional. I'm excited for tomorrow. Cute underwear just gives you confidence.

Speaking of confidence, I read something in my journal last night that really made me stop my mental madness and murmuring. A few weeks back (April? March?) I hit a rough patch and was severely disheartened at my lack of social life and lack of dating life. On a Sunday, I had a beautiful, spiritual day, and I wrote that day in my journal saying that I felt like it was the beginning of the end. Meaning, that maybe something wasn't going to happen immediately, but that perhaps finally I'm past the midpoint in this wait/journey. I feel content today, remembering those words and the emotions I felt then. I also have incredible people in my life that help me out and help me see the big picture.

Like today. Today I spent bored with myself, doing minimal work, alone. And yet, in a few days I will be very busy again with work, friends, activities, and this day of loafing will be long forgotten. It's a matter of perspective. A) It's okay to have a day where you're a bum, as long as it's not a consistent lifestyle. B) A day is so short, a moment so fleeting, when compared to the bigger picture. So maybe I really did do something useful today, beyond the menial tasks aforementioned. I think I stepped back and saw the blinders of the moment, and was able to take them off, just a little bit.

I still don't like being home alone. Remind me that I don't like it if I ever say I want to just live by myself. But once you get through the quotidian routine, it's nice to pause and reflect in the silence. We make more sense when we can actually hear ourselves think.