It has started!!!! (more gratitude)

My new life is finally taking a tangible step forward!! It has started!!! I accepted a full-time job offer today with Cornerstone Home Lending and I'm so thankful to be ending this year employed once again. (It really is time to address my sleep schedule now.) Throughout the past five months of searching for jobs, and searching for myself a bit too, I have always held to the belief that the right job would work out in the right place and the right time. Assistant loan processor is probably not the job I was chasing after in my dream-life scenario, but things work out for reasons. And it feels like the right move. Speaking of moves, I'm also planning to take my country, wide-open-spaces self into the heart of Salt Lake City and try out the downtown scene! I've never considered myself a city girl, but thankfully SLC is one of the smallest big cities you could run across, and it has grown on me a lot in the past few months. 

It's been quite the journey this second half of the year. Quite the journey. I'm so thankful for family that took me in and kept me housed and fed and feeling loved, no matter what. I'm thankful for friends who poured out their support in June, and who have continued to support me through my arduous job search. I really do have a TON of friends!!! I'm thankful for Amber, who helped me in the most difficult moments and is now a great friend for doing crazy/fun stuff! I'm thankful for Jenelle, who was basically a therapist to me through a lot of everything. I'm glad she got married so I could meet Dan, a great friend who helped me come to love SLC and believe in myself again. I'm thankful for my adopted ward in Farmington, who took me in even though I'm an outsider. I have made some great friends in that ward, including Annika, who referred me to this job! I haven't feel so accepted and loved in a ward in a quite a while. I'm thankful for dance - the opportunity to maintain at least one part of myself through thick and thin, stay connected with my friends, and perform. I'm thankful for oodles of down time that allowed me to doodle around and start developing a talent that I hope to one day market. Not to mention all the time I had to work on my cross-stitch project. I'm also extremely thankful for the time I've had to go to the temple regularly and feel peace. To build deeper relationships with family members. To better understand how family always loves you and wants to help you... that was a lesson I learned from so many of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. 

And finally, I am thankful that I can go home for Christmas this year. It just wouldn't be Christmas without my mom and dad and a handful of brothers, all of us doing our holiday traditions in Missouri.  

The desire to feel and know

I feel compelled to write. To fill a page with words that mean something. I feel... something. I feel like life is always darkest before the dawn. I remember a camp out way back when I was in Young Women's. Aside from the fact that I had somewhat slid into the fire pit by the morning, I distinctly remember waking up in time to see the rising sun change the shades of the sky. Ever brighter, ever more beautiful. From the comfort of my slightly singed sleeping bag, the world became bright. 

I feel so much right now. Not sure why. But I feel it. Something. 

I haven't written all that much on my blog this year. Writing is an outlet for me. Sometimes I like to re-read what I've written to see where I was at in the past, where I am now, and what has filled the gaps between those times. I suppose parts of this year have left me disappointed, to say the least. The first half of the year I was basically fighting myself, fighting reality. And then reality delivered its blow, for which I am so thankful! It knocked some sense back into me, which I desperately needed. But so much struggle, plus a wake up call of that magnitude... it changes you. It does break you for a while. And if you don't look carefully, you might go on thinking that you are still broken and not mending. I have spent the second half of the year mending. Growing. Rebuilding. It hasn't been easy most of the time, but there have been sweet moments all throughout it, if only I pause to reflect on them. It has been hard. It has been emotional. 

I realized something this week. I know, it's only Monday... how could I have already realized something?? It happened yesterday. The circumstances weren't exactly pleasant. But in my attempt to cling to hope, faith... anything that would keep me feet properly on the ground, my heart properly in my body, and my head properly attached, my internal voice shouted at me. 

It's always darkest before the dawn. It's always darkest before the dawn. It's always darkest before the dawn.

And I realized in that moment that everything was all right. There is an end. And I think it is actually in sight, too. A fresh start. A new beginning. The dawning of a new day of possibilities for a girl who has also grown and changed through the night. This year has been one that I hope fades rapidly in my memory... at leas the hard parts. The lessons I've learned will stay with me a long time. The new friends I have met, the old friends who so quickly gave their love and support - they too will stay with me for a long time. 

I have grown. I have become stronger. This I also realize last night. I am more prepared to stand on my own feet. To pick up the reins and start directing my life again. To face the fierce future without needing someone by me to hold me up. I still want everyone by me, but I can stand on my own power. Which wasn't true for much of the past while. And there may still be days... Well, you understand. I am strong. I can do it. And I think I am finally really ready to do it, after all this time. 

This went somewhere completely different than I expected when I wrote the title and got started. Oh well. Here's a song that I feel fits the post and maybe that will help it all make sense. 

Girls and kitchens

My titles have been pretty boring lately. I'm sorry. I'll work on that for ya'll. Girls. Girls are pretty fun creatures. I had the great opportunity of spending some time with some friends in my ward tonight and it was a blast! My friend Raeann invited me and some of her other friends over for Sunday dinner after church. As I knew would happen if I went early, I kind of became a fixture in the kitchen. What can I say... I like to help and I like cooking. She had me put together her fruit salad and asked my opinion on the progress of the slow cooker food. She had a great meal put together, and I really enjoyed spending time with girls my age making dumb comments and jokes, laughing, and cooking. Some big personalities arrived for dinner, so I wasn't so talkative then, but it was still very fun to hear their interesting stories and drama. I guess I'd forgotten what it is like to be around girls (or people my age) and just have a fun time and do whatever you feel like. I love living with my grandparents and I certainly can do whatever I want, but there's moments when I miss the independence afforded by living on my own with roommates. The jokes and laughter. The shared time together. And yes, even some of the drama. (Just not too much.) 

I'm excited for this week. Tomorrow is a ward Hawaiian Thanksgiving (basically we're having Hawaiian haystacks the week of Thanksgiving...??) and they sent around a list for dessert contributions. Actually, I believe it is something of a contest, and anyone who knows me knows that I am not at all competitive. Therefore, I have been contemplating my contribution for a week. I've decided on the Apple Caramel Cheesecake I made once before (I blogged about it back then). I'm debating on whether or not to do a legit cheesecake or divide it into two pie shells, or just put it in one like last time.... Suggestions? I hope it really is a contest and I hope I win it resoundingly!! I'll be sure to take some pictures and document the cheesecake adventures tomorrow.

Thankful part 2

So I've been looking for a job for awhile. I know, news flash, right? I've been trying to network more and search harder... Well interesting story tonight. I was able to make contact with someone in training this week and have been watching for related jobs to open up. Tonight I was at the temple and had some time to ponder. Like has been common, I felt peace. Nothing much more specific, just a definite sense of peace. Then I got home and checked my email. And there I saw an email telling me a job was open, from my contact! The time stamp puts it around when I was pondering, give or take ten minutes. Pretty great story, I think. Now to go apply and hope I get an interview from the opening!

Thankful

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.

Ralph Waldo Emerson(1803-1882)

One thing I really enjoy about November and Facebook is that so many people have jumped on the thankful-a-day bandwagon. It's fun to see the good things in peoples' lives. Positivity is a powerful influence! As I've been continuing the job search, as well as over the past few months, I've had ample opportunity to self-analyze. Which is why I really enjoy this quote from Emerson. As a transcendentalist founder, he believed in the innate goodness of man and nature. The soul was very important as part of man, and I think it there is great truth to the idea that nothing can bring you peace but yourself. I use my faith and religion, rather than transcendentalism, but the basic idea holds. External factors aren't the true source of peace. It's about the soul finding peace. 

Well, I didn't mean to wax philosophical there. Where I meant to go was how my journey to finding peace has been closely related to how I look at the world around me: if I express thanks for the good things in my life. Here's just a few of the things I'm thankful for this November!

1. I have an amazing family and extended family that loves me!

2. I am in a ward where I am making friends.

3. I get to sleep in a lot.

4. I have the chance to develop my writing skills through freelance employment.

5. I'm sort of employed (see #4 and substitute teaching).

6. I have the opportunity to dance in the Christmas Concert and Clog America.

7. I get to practice interviewing a lot. 

8. I got to enjoy a beautiful snow storm over the weekend.

9. I'm blessed with wonderful friends who are examples, pals, and personal cheerleaders.

10. I went to a great eye doctor who gave me a discount and is helping my eyes be happy. 

My Future ... taking input

Options I am considering for my future, as the job hunt is a brutal reminder that whatever plan I had before isn't panning out super well at the moment. 

• Go back to school and get a Ph.D so that I can teach as a college professor. 
• This will cost a lot of money.
• This will take probably 3-7 years. 
• Go back to school and get a different Master's degree: Instructional Design, MBA MPA...
• Taking suggestions for this. 
• I think organizational behavior would be cool. 
• I do have 3 years work experience, so I'm probably qualified on that part.
• I don't know which school I'd go to and it will cost a lot of money. 
• Not sure what the end game is with this course of action.
• Get started with a teaching certificate
• I can either do the Alternative Route or go back to school and just pound it out (I think)
• End goal: Teach high school language arts, writing, etc. Or even humanities!
• Take a job that doesn't reflect my education or skills but that will open doors ... eventually..... for further progression. 
• I would get paid. 
• I'm not sure what the end goal is here. 
• Do other stuff for a few (many) months, wait for teaching jobs at BYU to open, and apply to teach English there. 
• I hate to think I'd still be searching for a job after all that time, but this is a viable and attractive option to me as well. 

My current plan while I wait/search/interview/wait is to do freelance writing and substitute teaching. You know what I really want? I really just want to understand where the Lord wants me to be so I can go there, find a job there, and contribute there.